Based Upon a True Story (part 2)

(the 2nd and final installment of the greatest story known to man, woman, and perfect princess-for part 1, see previous post)
co-written by my beautiful, one-of-a-kind, frabjous, goddess-like daughter Allison (Temari)

At last the Christmas feast had arrived. The dining hall was adorned festively with pine boughs and holly wrapped in red and green ribbon. Everything was perfect. The family had just begun to take their seats when Princess Temari ran in to announce the arrival of their newest guests. "The trolls are here...again," she stated flatly. As if on cue, the trolls burst into the room, happily oblivious to the others' discomfort. "Oh it's so...good to see you again," Princess Lolamouse chirped. "Do join us." "I hope you didn't come for the gingerbread, I doubt there's any left," SteeDee muttered. The trolls wobbled over to the table and plopped down in the empty seats across from Princess Temari, much to her chagrin.

"Have I told you about the new boards I put on the bridge?" asked Papa Troll. "Yes," groaned Princess Temari, for the third time that evening. "Well they really are spectacular. They're made of a new composite material. You should come by and see it some time." The next remark was directed at Prince Luke Warm, M.D. "What are your castle floors made of? I could replace them if you want." "Yeah," Prince Luke Warm, M.D. said, clearly not listening. "Speaking of flooring, did I tell you I'm having my fangs sharpened? That's why I can't eat anything," babbled Gramma Troll. "And last week I had my hump enlarged, and before that..." "Tomorrow I'll be replacing the ropes on the bridge. I could use what's left to replace the ones on your drawbridge," interrupted Papa Troll.  "Did Luke Warm ever tell you all about the time he saved the king's life?" bragged SteeDee. "He's sooo smart." The princesses couldn't help but notice Deven looking utterly dejected.

"How about dessert?" asked Princess Lolamouse, hoping to change the tone of the evening. "That sounds great! I wish I could eat it!" clucked Gramma Troll. "Is there even any dessert left?" SteeDee grumped. "Deven's been eating nonstop!" Princess Temari entered the dining hall bearing trays of exquisitely prepared delicacies. "It looks so good!" Gramma Troll exclaimed. "I really wish I could eat it!" "Well, why did you schedule your fang sharpening for this week? That wasn't too bright," Papa Troll teased. With that, the trolls began bickering loudly over everything. Prince Deven reached for some gingerbread but was stopped by SteeDee. "Are you going to eat more cookies?!!" "Yes, hers are better than yours anyway! Eating cookies makes me happy! What's your problem with that?!!" Deven yelled. SteeDee looked as if she had just sucked a large lemon. "I just want my sons to be happy. I won't come here anymore if you're just going to treat me this way!"

While the family feud raged, Prince Luke Warm, M.D. had slipped away unnoticed. Suddenly, he burst back in to the dining hall and exclaimed "Horrible news, folks! The astrologer just read on her Starpad that the castle is about to be attacked! We're all in terrible danger!" Though it seemed impossible, more chaos erupted. Desserts were left unfinished, chairs were flung aside as the Christmas feast guests rushed to make a fast escape. Within minutes, the guest were gone.

"Should I get the swords?" Princess Temari asked eagerly. Prince Luke Warm, M.D. chuckled, "There's no need for weapons. I made the whole thing up! I thought it would get them out of here fast. Merry Christmas!"

Princess Lolamouse smiled brightly. "Can we invite my family for New Year's?"

Based Upon a True Story (part 1)

 Co-written by my fabulous, wonderful, and utterly flawless daughter Allison (Temari)

Once upon a time there were two princesses, both shining examples of consummate perfection. Unfortunately, the rest of their family was not, and this family was coming over to the castle for a Christmas feast. The princesses toiled away for days preparing for the family's arrival until all of the food, decorations, and entertainment were nearly as perfect as they were. Princess Lolamouse had only just finished an intricate plating design with the gingerbread when her husband, Prince Luke Warm, M.D., obliviously thrust his hand in the middle of it to snatch up a reindeer. "That was for company, dear," squeaked Princess Lolamouse. "Mmpfpmfpfm," he said around a mouth of crumbs.

Suddenly Princess Temari ran in, a look of urgency and disgust gracing her perfect features. "Sister, sister, " she cried. "Deven and SteeDee are here!" Princess Lolamouse groaned. Why her husband had insisted on inviting his brother and stepmother she would never understand, but being the supportive and perfect princess that she was, she accepted it graciously. Princess Temari opened the castle gate and warmly welcomed Deven and SteeDee. As she attempted to bestow a hug upon her step grandmother, she was promptly ignored as SteeDee flew past her to complain to her son the doctor. "This was such a miserable trip! That carriage was so bumpy! I'm not coming next year! I'm not getting any younger, you know! And that boy nearly got us lost 3 times-he couldn't steer a horse to save his dear mother's life!" Prince Deven, looking haggard, trudged into the castle rubbing his temples. "She didn't shut up the whole trip. I'm going to take a nap." And he disappeared into the castle dungeon for the rest of the afternoon.

SteeDee gave an exaggerated sigh. "I think he sleeps way too much!" The princesses exchanged a knowing glance, sensing that their perfect serenity was about to come to an abrupt end.

That evening the family gathered for a glorious repast made much less glorious by SteeDee's constant harping upon Prince Deven to find a more stable job. "What happens when the king tires of mimes? Then what will you do, hmm? I always insisted that my husband have a steady, reliable job, and I'll tell you, he made a fine tailor!" Prince Luke Warm, M.D., in a vain attempt to distract Deven from SteeDee's insults, said, "Deven, I'm having a horrible time getting the trees in my orchard to grow. Perhaps you could give me some advice out in the garden?" Prince Deven replied, "No need to go outside, bro. I already know what the problem is. You're trying to grow pear trees in soil that isn't right for them. What you need are apple trees! They'll grow like weeds!" SteeDee, never one to drop an issue, squawked "Well, if you know so much about apples, maybe you should sell them for a living!" "Yes," said Deven. "And after my first day of work, I could go home and throw myself in the moat." He then grabbed several pieces of gingerbread and returned to the dungeon. "Watch how many cookies you eat, Deven! You're getting fat!"

The next morning the princesses entered the dining hall to find SteeDee on another endless tirade. Prince Luke Warm, M.D. was nodding along to appear sympathetic. "...got no sleep at all! Deven and his lyre had me up all night! He was up way too late! That boy doesn't sleep enough!" The princesses made a prompt exit without comment.

Later, at lunch, the dysfunctional family sat around the table; only Deven was missing. "Is that boy sleeping again?" SteeDee whined. "I swear, all he does is sleep!" Just then, Deven ascended from the dungeon to grab more gingerbread. "I'm glad you like the gingerbread, Prince Deven," Princess Lolamouse exclaimed. "SteeDee told me it was your favorite." "Yes, they're really goo-" "Are you eating more cookies? Save some for other people!" SteeDee interrupted. Deven sighed and slumped back to the dungeon.
To Be Continued...

2 Giant Microbes, and a Box of Penis Shaped Pasta

There's less than a week left until Christmas, and I know some of you out there are panic stricken because you haven't completed your holiday shopping yet. Well, fear not! Lolamouse is here with a list of gifts that, although they may not arrive by Christmas (I view deadlines as mere suggestions), will be well worth the wait for the memories they create. It's always a joy to me when I behold someone opening my gift, see their eyes widen, and hear the gasp in their voice as they say, "My! How... inappropriate!"

Books

Books are always a lovely gift for anyone of any age. A charming little book to help children learn the alphabet, as well as avoid some of the dangers of life, is The Gashlycrumb Tinies by Edward Gorey. Set to a sing-songy rhyming patter, The Gashlycrumb Tinies recounts the hideous deaths of 26 alphabetically ordered children from various ailments, accidents, and assaults. A perfect addition to any child's library.

Remember the Sally, Dick, and Jane books from grammar school (those of us who are of "a certain age)? Remember how dull and mundane they were? Well, Sally, Dick, and Jane are back but their stories are new and improved! Meet Dick and Jane and Vampires! Never too young to be introduced to the sexy vampire genre, this reading primer adds some much needed intrigue and foreboding to the first grade reader. Makes for great bedtime stories!

 
Stuffed Animals

They're infectiously cute!

Known around our house as "plushies," stuffed animals are always a good "go to" gift for the holidays. What? You think plushies are only for little girls? Then you haven't seen Giant Microbes! Giant Microbes are stuffed animals that look like tiny microbes, only they are millions of times bigger and have faces! They come in different varieties, such as Health (flu, common cold), Calamities (anthrax, mad cow), Critters (bed bug, dust mite), and Venereals (herpes, syphilis). Need a last minute teacher gift? How about a head louse or H1N1?  Something for your mail carrier? How about anthrax? Bet he'd get a real kick out of that! The possibilities are endless!
 
 What do you do when your daughter asks for an indie comic strip character plushie that doesn't exist? Most normal parents would just explain that it isn't possible. But, those of you who know me know    that I'm anything but normal! Thus, we have Frupert. Frupert is the teddy bearish character from the defunct cartoon strip Pink Chickens. Read this cartoon and you will begin to understand my warped psyche just a bit better! 

Clothes

There will be no ugly Christmas sweaters found under the tree at my house. There will, however, be some uber-cool T-shirts! Here is one that my family got for me for Hanukkah this year. It's from Hyperbole and a Half, one of my all-time fav blogs. I've written about my neurotic need to clean, clean, clean before a vacation (Dirty Thoughts), so this shirt is the perfect gift! There are more at Allie's store on her blog-check her out; she's hilarious!

Nothing says "I'm well read" like wearing poetry on your chest. Especially nonsense poetry from      Lewis Carroll. Justin Hillgrove's Jabberwocky T-shirt will guarantee that people will be   staring   quizzically at your chest! Who wouldn't want that? Wear this shirt on a date; if the guy has Jabberwocky memorized by the end of the evening, you know he wasn't listening to a thing you've said!
 
Jewelery

Sure, I love diamonds, you love diamonds, everyone loves diamonds. But sometimes we just can't afford to give diamonds. So what's the next best thing? LIPS!!! (and I'm NOT talking about hummers!) Not just any lips, though. The infamous lips from the opening credits of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I know you want one! And you can get one too, from Etsy, and show your allegiance to the sweetest transvestite that ever was.

 
Food

What would the holidays be without food? Let's be honest, though. Cookies, candy, fruitcake-it's been done. Why don't you really surprise someone on your list this year with a box of penis shaped pasta! I know this is one gift that won't be regifted! It's perfect for those big (meat)balls you love too! Just be careful when preparing. Don't overcook or it will get limp, and no one likes limp penises!

Now that you've got some great last minute gift ideas, go get your cash or credit card and get busy. There's only so much time left, and the Penis Pasta could sell out at any minute! Happy Shopping!

Happy Holidays (Sorry, Didn't Mean to Offend You!)

Would you be offended if someone were to wish you a happy holiday? Apparently the good folks at the Liberty Counsel would be. They want to hear "Merry Christmas" at this time of year, and nothing else will do. In fact, they find reference to anything other than Christmas so abhorrent that for the past 8 years they have carried on a "Friend or Foe Christmas Campaign" in which they publish a list of "Naughty" or "Nice" retailers based on whether or not the Counsel finds the store "Christmas friendly." Their concern is that Christmas is no longer being properly acknowledged in America.

Mathew D. Staver, Founder and Chairman of Liberty Counsel and Dean of Liberty University School of Law, stated, "...Retailers that profit from Christmas while pretending it does not exist will find that consumers will shop elsewhere.” Now, I don't know about you, but from where I stand, the Liberty Counsel need not worry about Christmas ceasing to exist or losing its stronghold over retailers during the time between approximately early November and January 1. While I may spy a few Hanukkah or Kwanzaa cards or decorations in some corner of a store or two, the overwhelming majority of retailers are inundated with red and green decorations, Christmas greetings, Santas, costumed salespeople, and Christmas music. The word "Christmas" is not difficult to find anywhere. It's precisely the opposite; if you're looking for a holiday card or gift without Christmas connotations, good luck!

The Liberty Counsel doesn't approve of the idea of generic winter themed school parties either. They want the traditional Christmas party restored to our children's schools, replete with Christmas cookies, Christmas carols, and Christmas trees. They don't really specify whether or not children of other faiths should have their traditions included in the party as well or just pretend to be Christian for the day and fit in dammit!

I will be the first to admit that I'm hardly objective about this issue. Growing up Jewish in a predominantly Christian environment, I sometimes felt left out, isolated, and overlooked. I appreciate when someone says, "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" to me because I never personally celebrated Christmas, although I do now with my family. I don't assume everyone I meet celebrates my holiday, so why should they assume I celebrate theirs? Although I enjoy seeing the Christmas decorations in stores, I feel a certain sadness when I can't find even one thing for Hanukkah. From where I stand, every retailer is "Christmas friendly."

So, here's what I have to say to Mathew D. Staver and the Liberty Counsel: You think you have it hard? Feh! You should see what I have to go through in the stores! I could plotz from the frustration! I should have it so hard as you. Oy vay. Quit your kvetching, get off your tuchis, and go shopping already or you'll miss all the good sales! Oy vay iz mir!