Happy Holidays (Sorry, Didn't Mean to Offend You!)

Would you be offended if someone were to wish you a happy holiday? Apparently the good folks at the Liberty Counsel would be. They want to hear "Merry Christmas" at this time of year, and nothing else will do. In fact, they find reference to anything other than Christmas so abhorrent that for the past 8 years they have carried on a "Friend or Foe Christmas Campaign" in which they publish a list of "Naughty" or "Nice" retailers based on whether or not the Counsel finds the store "Christmas friendly." Their concern is that Christmas is no longer being properly acknowledged in America.

Mathew D. Staver, Founder and Chairman of Liberty Counsel and Dean of Liberty University School of Law, stated, "...Retailers that profit from Christmas while pretending it does not exist will find that consumers will shop elsewhere.” Now, I don't know about you, but from where I stand, the Liberty Counsel need not worry about Christmas ceasing to exist or losing its stronghold over retailers during the time between approximately early November and January 1. While I may spy a few Hanukkah or Kwanzaa cards or decorations in some corner of a store or two, the overwhelming majority of retailers are inundated with red and green decorations, Christmas greetings, Santas, costumed salespeople, and Christmas music. The word "Christmas" is not difficult to find anywhere. It's precisely the opposite; if you're looking for a holiday card or gift without Christmas connotations, good luck!

The Liberty Counsel doesn't approve of the idea of generic winter themed school parties either. They want the traditional Christmas party restored to our children's schools, replete with Christmas cookies, Christmas carols, and Christmas trees. They don't really specify whether or not children of other faiths should have their traditions included in the party as well or just pretend to be Christian for the day and fit in dammit!

I will be the first to admit that I'm hardly objective about this issue. Growing up Jewish in a predominantly Christian environment, I sometimes felt left out, isolated, and overlooked. I appreciate when someone says, "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" to me because I never personally celebrated Christmas, although I do now with my family. I don't assume everyone I meet celebrates my holiday, so why should they assume I celebrate theirs? Although I enjoy seeing the Christmas decorations in stores, I feel a certain sadness when I can't find even one thing for Hanukkah. From where I stand, every retailer is "Christmas friendly."

So, here's what I have to say to Mathew D. Staver and the Liberty Counsel: You think you have it hard? Feh! You should see what I have to go through in the stores! I could plotz from the frustration! I should have it so hard as you. Oy vay. Quit your kvetching, get off your tuchis, and go shopping already or you'll miss all the good sales! Oy vay iz mir!

All I (Don't) Want for Christmas

When is bigger not better? When is more too much? I’ve been pondering these questions as the holidays approach and as I see increasing evidence of the eagerness of the American public to buy into every ridiculous fad that is offered up in the name of beauty, luxury, or pampering.

With this blatant over-the-top consumerism in mind, I offer you a sampling of some of the items that are NOT on my Hanukkah or Christmas lists this year:

      Collagen enhanced lips: When did it become sexy to look like you're having an allergic reaction to something you've eaten? Or maybe it's that "I've just been punched in the mouth" look that you're going for?  If you want to look pouty, just pout. It’s not that hard. If you really want that swollen lip look, come on over to my house and I’ll hit you for free. I enjoy hitting really stupid people. 

      Beach ball boobs: Okay, I get it that if you’re in the entertainment industry and you have little tits, you’re going to get a boob job. I understand going from A to C or even D or maybe even larger. But have you seen some of the boobs that are NOT bouncing around these days (real boobs bounce, people!) They look like over-inflated beach balls! Not only are they huge, but they’re perfectly round! Natural breasts are not spherical!  Why do men ogle these monstrosities? I don’t think I’d find it sexy if a man had tennis ball sized implants in his testicles, so why are freak-of-nature breast implants so effin’ drool-worthy? 

Flesh eating fish pedicures: I am so not making this up! There is a species of fish that eats human flesh.  Someone has seen the money making potential in this weirdness and thought, "Someone will pay for this!" and he  was right! There are nail salons where you can pay to stick your feet into a tank full of these little flesh suckers (they technically don't have teeth) and have them eat your feet as a part of your pedicure. Sounds like bliss, no?                       

                                                                                                                           

Vajazzling: Somehow I didn't get the notice that pubes are now "out." When did this happen? Seems that once a woman is old enough to have any hair "down there," she goes in for a Brazilian to get it waxed off. Ouch, I say. Ouch. Certainly, one doesn't want rogue hairs poking out from a bathing suit, but totally bare? I don't quite get this trend. If the guy I'm with insists that my lady parts be totally bare, that seems a tad pedophilic to me. But I digress...Vajazzling. Once the canvass is blank, so to speak, Swarovski crystals and glitter are applied to decorate. Why I would need my nether regions to sparkle is beyond me, but apparently Jennifer Love Hewitt made this stupid trend popular. Kathy Griffin had it done on national TV before her PAP smear, so at least hers was a "public cervix" or "pubic service" or, oh, forget it! 

      Botox: I know it's bothersome. You look in the mirror and see smile lines, creases by your forehead, wrinkles, etc.  Add those to the gray hairs and you don't look quite as young and nubile as you used to. Sigh. "I know!" you think to yourself. "Why don't I pay hundreds of dollars every few months and have a known toxin injected into my face to make me look younger?!!" What asshat sold this to the American public as a viable option and why do so many people blindly buy it? It's Bo-tox, people. The -tox part stands for "toxin." It just stuns me that so many folks are so desperate to retain their youthful looks that they are willing to have poison injected into their faces, no once, not twice, but on a regular basis! And, frankly, most don't end up looking youthful; they end up looking like victims of Medusa, with faces frozen in stone.

And by the way, I don't want a Chia Pet, a Snuggie, a Ginsu Knife, any type of cleaning appliance, or cheap-ass scented candles either. Cash is always good. Happy Holidays!