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Poetry and snark blogger who also has a creative side (who knew?)

Friday, June 17, 2011

I'll Be Back!

Well, I'm off to the Garden State for a week. It's too far to swim back home, so think of me while I'm gone, my lovelies, and I'll eat a cannoli or 3 for you!

We Never Covered This In Driver's Ed!

And you thought it was dangerous to drive and text at the same time! From the files of inexplicable behavior, I bring you a recent case from the Fairfax County, VA Circuit Court that is set to go to trial next week: "Having sex at 85 miles per hour while drunk on a freeway is willful and wanton negligence."(

The defendant, court records show, crashed into a taxi on the Beltway near Telegraph Road in May of last year. He was convicted of drunken driving, but the cab driver filed suit asking for $75,000 in damages. Among the allegations of this lawsuit are the following: (from Washington Post)

Paragraph 10. “At the time of the collision, Defendant was going 85 miles per hour.”

Paragraph 12. “At the time of the collision, Defendant was having sex with a female.”

Paragraph13. “At the time of the collision, Defendant was driving admittedly drunk.”

Paragraph 14. “At the time of the accident, Defendant was partially or totally in the backseat of the car.”

For those readers who are not from around these parts, this accident occurred on "The Beltway," a major thoroughfare around the Washington, D.C. metropolitan area. There is always major traffic on the Beltway. Traffic on this road moves like a herd of stampeding turtles. Thus, my first thought when reading these allegations was, "How the heck could anyone possibly drive 85 on the Beltway?!!" My second thought was, "What happened to Paragraph 11?" Wasn't there some important allegation in there? And lastly, "In the backseat of the car?!!" Now either this guy is sporting some major porn star quality junk or has the flexibility of Gumby, but I still don't see how this is possible.

The explanation, of course, is that the defendant insists that someone else was driving the car at the time, but that person claims that he wasn't driving either! The woman involved has been dismissed from the case.

So, to sum up: We have one woman, two guys, at least one of whom is drunk and having sex, all in a car traveling at 85 miles per hour on a freeway with no one driving. Sounds like a YouTube video to me!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

You Tell Em, Neil!

Well, I'm off then! Seeing Billy Elliot next Wednesday!!! Of course, being an intellectual, liberal Jew-mouse anyway, I didn't need this reassurance, but I thought I'd pass it along to anyone who was still hesitant about seeing Broadway shows! Guys, take the ladies. You may just earn some major points.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Shake Your Groove Thang

Hell on Wheels

Rolling right along
Two wheels and a gyroscope
Move! Mouse on the loose!

So my goodest friend, kirf, and I FINALLY made it to the National Harbor for our Segway Tour today. Surprisingly, I was not only able to operate said machine but did not grievously injure myself or anyone else! Huzzah! We toured the entire shopping complex, the surrounding area, the riverfront park, and even went partially over the Wilson Bridge, with the traffic zooming by on our side. Pretty freaky! All in all, lots of fun. I'd recommend it if any of you darlings get the opportunity.

Lolamouse and kirf on the bridge

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Absolute Power (I Love It!)

As you may know, I had been given the Overlord Award a while back and had dutifully fulfilled my obligations in regard to World Domination and the "passing of the sceptre" as it were onto several other world domination worthy bloggers. One of these bloggers, however, thought it clever of herself  to toss said sceptre right back at me (now who would that be? Hmmm? Who might be rebellious and enjoy a good laugh when she's not busy composing Trimetrans?), necessitating that I devise 3 more rules for World Domination. Sure, give me MORE control. You don't know what you are creating. Soon, everyone will be required to wear at least one item of clothing in hot pink (that's fuchsia to you, Doug!) Country music will be forever banned (country-rock can petition for exceptions on a case by case basis), and at weddings, the insipid "chicken dance" will be replaced with the Time Warp. And those aren't even my 3 rules! Ha! Those are edicts! Edicts, I say!!! See what happens when you do tag backs, Ms. Fireblossom? Here, then, are my 3 rules:

    1. No person, male or female, will be allowed to have on his or her person a greater number of tattoos than he or she has healthy teeth in his or her mouth. If said person has fewer good teeth than tattoos, any money to be spent on tattoos shall instead be spent on dental care.

    2. No chef is allowed to be skinny. Exceptions will be made for chefs who smoke excessively and thus maintain a lower weight due to nicotine and/or drinking/drug use, especially heroin (i.e. Anthony Bourdain). A chef should look like he or she eats. My personal poster child for inappropriate looking chefs is Giada DeLaurentiis. She's a skinny bitch. With big boobs. I hate her. Nuff said.

    3. Any person who begins a sentence with the clause "I'm not a bigot..." will immediately have his or her nose grow 6 inches and his or her pants fall to the ankles if said person is not being truthful. Thus, everyone who utters these words will have their noses grow and their pants fall. Really, have you EVER heard someone who's not bigoted have to state that he or she is not bigoted? And, of course, this clause is usually followed by a "but" and a statement of why some group should not have the same rights as everyone else. For example, "I'm not bigoted, but I don't believe in gay marriage." Or "I'm not homophobic [variant of bigoted] but I don't think they need to flaunt it." Or "I'm not a bigot, but I'd rather my kid have Christian friends."
    There, those are my rules. I'm not awarding the Overlord Award to any more bloggers, as I have already done so in my previous post. I'm Overlord, and I can make the rules. Bwah, ha ha! 
Damn, I look GOOD in a crown!