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Poetry and snark blogger who also has a creative side (who knew?)

Monday, November 1, 2010

Say "Squeeze!!!"

Had the girls' pictures done today. Couldn't get them to smile, though! Oh, how I do love the annual mammogram! I know I need to do it, and I'm thankful the technology exists, and blah, blah, blah, but I still can't help but think that there's a Nobel Prize waiting for the person (who am I kidding-it's got to be a woman!) who figures out how to x-ray our boobs without having to shove them between two metal plates and compressing them into a booby panini! Hold the cheese on mine please-I'm lactose intolerant!

I remember the first time I went for a mammogram almost 2 decades ago.  I was mortified to see what that horrible machine did to my poor little breasts. I had been warned about the discomfort, which honestly, was just that-discomfort, not pain. When you've been a migraine sufferer for nearly your whole life, it takes a lot for you to call something "pain." But, what, dear God, was happening to my boobs? Never very rotund to begin with, they were getting flatter and flatter by the second! I honestly began to doubt that they'd ever spring back to life!

Now, of course, I'm an old pro. I warm up for the annual ritual by standing sideways next to the refrigerator with my upper body unclothed and slowly closing the door tighter and tighter while grasping the hinges on the other side. This method is much more sanitary and draws fewer odd looks from neighbors than my old method, which involved lying naked on the garage floor and closing the garage door on my boobs. Since we installed the child proof doors, I haven't figured out a work around for that method.

So today, well-prepared, I bravely strode into the mammography suite to wait my turn. Have you ever noticed that when you're waiting for a mammogram, all the articles in the magazines you pick up are about cancer? Do they do this on purpose?!! I think they should only allow cooking and Cosmo mags in waiting rooms. My turn arrives, and I have my girls' pictures taken. Lefty was being a pouty bitch this morning and wouldn't smile nicely. At least the tech's hands were warm this year! I should hear the results in 7 to 14 days (I call this stretch of time the "Days of Diazepam.") Maybe if the pictures come out good, I can order extras for my holiday cards!


  1. Sometimes it is soooooooooooooooo good to be a guy. I do hope your results will be OK.

  2. I never like the phrase "the girls." Did a girl come up with it? Sounds like a guy came up with it. It's stupid. You don't hear men come out of a prostate exam going "Got my man's tummy tickled today!" Am I right? Or maybe "Got the walnut wave today!" Bleah!

  3. Dave from the "male" roomNovember 1, 2010 at 9:53 PM

    Wow, I guess I got my brain caught in one of those mammo machines - somehow I posted as you when I was trying to post as me! How did I do that? Does that mean I'm you? Does that mean I'M the one who has to get a mammogram now? Hokey Smoke Bullwinkle! (man.......betcha Bullwinkle never needed a prostate exam!)

  4. Hilarious! I've had a mammo just once to rule out a tumor because I was having some pain. Now they want me to come back every year. Fuck that! I have another year and a half before I have to get regular mammos and I'll be damned if they're going to make me start early!
    Hope all is well! xoxo


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