Dear Señor Stewart,
My name is Juan Araña, and I am an arachnid. I am also a huge fan of the Daily Show and tune in regularly for your humorous and informed take on the current events in our world. I was so excited when you announced your Rally to Restore Sanity on the National Mall and immediately began planning my trip to Washington for this historic event. Now, because of your fearmongering, I worry that my life may be in danger should I attend.
You, Señor Stewart, are usually such an educated and rational man and display more than tolerance, but acceptance, toward minorities of all persuasions. This is why I am so disappointed in your statement about my brethren, arachnids. You stated, "I'm not afraid of Muslims, Tea Partiers, socialists, immigrants, gun owners or gays, but I am kind of scared of spiders." Shame on you, Señor! As a gay, Hispanic, Arachnid American, I have been subject to all sorts of prejudice and discrimination. I am in this country legally. I and my 367 brothers and sisters hatched out of our eggsack in America to an American born mother, who ate our American born father. Nevertheless, there are those who think I do not belong in this country. I am harassed for my sexual orientation as well. I ask you, if mating with a female could end in literally being killed and devoured, might you not try the other team? And even though only just a few of the many thousands of spiders that exist are poisonous to humans, we arachnids are feared and reviled. You could have helped our cause by educating the public about our usefulness and beauty, but, no, you heightened the hatred. If I had tear ducts, I would cry.
Señor Stewart, you are a good man. Please reconsider your stance on spiders. It's time to end the fear and the hatred and the squishing and join hands and legs and legs and legs and legs and...well, you get the point, in unity. Arachnid Americans have rights too!