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Poetry and snark blogger who also has a creative side (who knew?)

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

What Does Your Condom Say About You?

Ladies, how many times has this scenario happened to you? You're in your favorite trendy bar. Suddenly, you spot some gorgeous hunk of man meat across the room and advance upon said specimen to introduce yourself. You chat for a bit, and he graciously buys you a couple of expensive cocktails. You see no ring on his finger and no tell-tale tan line where a ring should be. You hightail it out of the bar back to his place in his Porsche. He takes you up to his apartment, in a very high-rent part of town. You glance around his place and notice chic furnishings and upscale artwork on the walls. Now it's go-time. You slink back to his bedroom with him and fall upon his king sized bed with the 500 count Egyptian cotton sheets. He reaches over to his nightstand and discreetly grabs...A TROJAN?!! Oh, hell no. Game over. You're outta there right NOW!

Or gentlemen, does this vignette sound all too familiar? You've scored a table at the newest and most desirable restaurant in town. You and your date haughtily walk past the throngs of peons trying to make a reservation for months from now and enter the dining establishment. You give the maitre de your name and a hundred dollar bill and are escorted to a premium table where you can see and be seen. You order an uber-expensive bottle of wine and hope to get your date a little drunk. The lady you've chosen to accompany you this evening is lovely; she's from a wealthy family, attended an Ivy League school, has a well-paying job, and is a knock-out! She's dressed in a tasteful yet expensive dress, with jewelery to match. Just perfect. After dinner you head back to your place as planned. She's a bit tipsy, as planned. One thing leads to another, and out of her Ferragamo clutch she pulls out...A DUREX CONDOM?!! Oh, hell no. You feign food poisoning and get her out of your apartment immediately!

You drive an expensive car. You live in an expensive house or apartment. You eat at the best restaurants. You wear only the finest clothes. Why should you settle for anything other than THE BEST CONDOM?!! That's why 2 French aristocrats decided to introduce a luxury condom to the market. Company vice president Count Gil de Bizemont, who co-founded the Original Condom Co., with His Royal Highness the Prince Charles Emmanuel de Bourbon Parm, claims that there is a demand for prestige in prophylactics. "There [is] always a need for quality, good taste (insert sophmoric joke here!) and beautiful objects."  "Condoms protect everyone from disease, ours protect from tackiness," stated G. de Bizemont.  And isn't that really the most important thing? Any old condom can prevent sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy, but how many can look good while doing it? How many condom brands would you be proud to carry around in your pocket or purse? How many come with their own faux black suede pocket or elegant display box, inspired by the world of jewelery? Or, as one of the founders of the company asks, would you be proud to have a "traditional" condom on your table when Mom visits? This, of course, makes me question why he would have any condom out on a table when his mother visits. Um, yuck.

The Original Condom is pricey, as any luxury good can be expected to be. One condom is $2.00, the "Pocket," which contains 3 condoms and can be refilled, is $13.50, and the "Regular," which is a  refillable box, contains 6 condoms for $20.00.  Instead of a tacky, foil envelope shouting "RIBBED FOR HER PLEASURE," these precious gems are neatly packaged in discreet, little black boxes or packets, more like English tea than a contraceptive. The company expects they will be sold at "finer" hotels and restaurants, as well as online. No gas station restrooms for these babies! Those of us with high standards owe a debt of gratitude to the founders of this company for finally allowing us to differentiate riff-raff rubbers from prestige prophylactics. We now have one more weapon in our arsenal to strain out the commoners from our pool of possible sexual partners. Bravo!



  1. You deserve an "A" for this one girl. What a lesson! I really loved the video. Great post.

  2. Oh how I envy your WILD imagination, but I am so thankful you share it with us ( your readers ).
    Long live Lolamouse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Odie and f, Ishyn: Thanks so much for the compliments! I have great fun finding these nuggets of nonsense!

  4. riff raff rubbers and prestige prophylactics . . . . you never cease to delight me with your talent!

  5. kirf-thank you, my dear! if only I could make some $$$ from all the time I put into this!

  6. While, as a mother, I would be glad that my son is being safe, I still don't want his condoms at any table where I am to be seated. WTH is that about?


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