Breaking news!!! What's in the water?!! Pathos in the pond!!! A bizarre tragedy ended what should have been a fun-filled family fishing expedition for little Timmy Anybody. The spunky 4 year-old was holding his pint-sized fishing rod aboard his family's boat in local waters when he felt a tug and began reeling in his catch. His father remembers...
"He was so excited. He was yelling, 'I got one, Daddy! I think it's a big one!' I'm sorry, it's just so sad. It was his first big fishing trip. I don't usually cry like this, sorry."
That's when it all went wrong for this local fishing family. As Timmy reeled in his catch, and his proud Daddy helped him scoop it up in the net, they both soon realized that Timmy's "big one" was more than either could have bargained for. Timmy's father again,
"I don't know what that SOB was! I ain't never seen nothing like it! It was HUGE! And fierce! As soon as it came outta the water, it started for Timmy, biting at him like some kind of rabid animal! It grabbed onto his arm and wouldn't let go. I kept trying to pry it off, but its teeth were too strong. It just kept biting and biting. It was the biggest dang fish I ever seen. I thought it was gonna swallow him whole, but it dropped onto the deck of the boat. I grabbed my gun and blew that demon back to hell."
Timmy is now in a local hospital where he is listed in critical condition due to multiple bite wounds, blood loss, and ichthyophtirius. Tissue samples from the shot fish have been sent to a lab for analysis, but it appears that Timmy may have caught a previously unseen species of salmon.
Breaking news!!! Frankenfish identified! Laboratory and DNA analysis have confirmed that the gigantic fish which attacked 4 year-old Timmy Anybody yesterday afternoon is a type of salmon produced by the Genoplay Corporation and approved by the FDA for marketing as "food" last year. Speculation runs wild (unlike this salmon) as to why this particular salmon grew so monstrously large and aggressive so quickly. The Genoplay Corp. was quick to defend its product. Their CEO, Ted Richerstill, stated, "When raised in proper conditions, fed a proper diet, harvested under proper procedures, shipped properly, stored in the proper manner, and cooked according to proper directions, our salmon is totally safe." When questioned about Genoplay's salmon farm, located within the perimeter of the ProfitFirst Nuclear Energy plant, Mr. Richerstill boasted that the inexpensive land he was able to purchase for this facility saved his company money, which he was then able to pass on to consumers.
Both Genoplay and ProfitFirst downplayed the danger to the public from genetically altered salmon and/or salmon raised near a nuclear power facility. "While our hearts go out to little Timmy and his family, we believe this tragedy is an isolated incident. It is highly unlikely that another salmon would escape from the salmon farm into public water, and even if one did, they are sterile, and even if they're not, they're just like normal salmon, except they grow a little faster. And there is absolutely no reason to think that nuclear waste would escape from the ProfitFirst facility. And even if it did, there would just be a tiny amount and it would have a negligible effect. We have the utmost faith that salmon and nuclear energy are healthy and safe for our community!"
Breaking news!!! Gigantic snakeheaded salmon attacks elderly woman and dog!!! Feral cat saves the day! They said it couldn't happen, but somehow it has! In what sounds like a script from a horror movie, an elderly woman out walking her Pomeranian was wounded in an unprovoked attack by a mutant fish!
Idamae Stoop (78) was taking her daily stroll around her pond in Seniors Siesta when she noticed something crawling out of the water. "I thought maybe it was a beaver or some other cute critter, so I went over there with Miss Pom Pom, my dog, to have a looksee. Well, then quick as you know, this fish thing sort of jumps out of the pond and scurries over and tries to bite my leg! Good thing I had on my support stockings! Miss Pom Pom started barking, and that fish tried to eat my dog!" Luckily for Mrs. Stoop and Miss Pom Pom, an observant cat residing in the neighborhood and hungry for a meal, launched a surprised attack of its own on the snakehead salmon, biting and clawing chunks of mutant fish flesh from its body. The fish retreated back to the pond, and the cat enjoyed some salmon sushi!
Residents in the area of Seniors Siesta are advised to be wary, especially around water. It appears as though the genetically modified, potentially nuclear-enhanced salmon have now breeded with the dreaded snakehead fish, which is able to crawl out of the water onto land. CEOs of Genoplay Corp. and ProfitFirst are now offering $200 to any resident who catches a snakehead salmon and brings it to either corporation for "further study." They are also offering $500 to the winner of a recipe contest using snakehead salmon as the main ingredient.