Get Off Your Asana! It's Time for Yoga!

As I sit here at the keyboard with sore shoulders, achy hamstrings, a crick in my neck, and tight as a rubber band that's been left in a middle school locker over the winter holiday, I wonder again when I will begin feeling all the wondrous, youth enhancing benefits of the yoga I've been practicing for about 2 years now. Then again, maybe if I hadn't been doing yoga all this time, I'd be feeling even worse than I do now! Can't prove the negative, right? Let's go with that.

I have a great yoga teacher. She's not one of those "access your third eye" types who reeks of patchouli and looks like she hasn't seen the inside of a shower stall in 6 weeks. She's actually quite a normal person, aside from being over 40 having stolen the body of a svelte 20 year-old and grafted it onto her head. Her ass won't quit, and I say that in a totally non-lesbianish but very envious sort of way. I could do lunges from now until 2012 and I'd NEVER achieve the awesomeness of her ass. But I digress.

Since you can't all come to Southern MD (and if you could, I know you'd be off like a herd of stampeding turtles!) and take a class with my yoga teacher, I thought I'd give you the next best thing. Then I realized that I can't friggin' do that either, so I thought I'd draw you some lame ass pictures of what I look like during my yoga class so you can mentally transport yourself and snicker behind my back from wherever you happen to be. 

This is how I look when class begins. I'm fresh (well as fresh as someone who's been dragged out of bed at 5 effin' 30 in the morning can be) and in a yoga state of mind (like a New York state of mind but without the traffic and panhandlers). I fully plan to breath deeply throughout the hour long class and achieve maximum mindfulness and bodily relaxation.

The first few minutes are a breeze. We breath. We close our eyes and "be" in the moment. We stretch a little. We warm up. We look to the sky and rotate our wrists and arms. Easy stuff. Nice. I love yoga.

Just as I'm about to get lured into a false sense of serenity, my yoga teacher starts pulling asanas out of her ass and doesn't stop for the rest of the hour! Here is but a small sampling of some of the pretzelifications I am humiliatingly contorted into each week:

This little gem is called "Warrior." See the power and strength? Neither do I. By the time I've faced a sink full of dirty breakfast dishes, cleaned up puddles of dog piddle, and dealt with some serious teen 'tude, all this warrior wants is to curl up and die in the field hospital.

What is the name of this pose? Does it even have one? It often follows several "Warrior" poses and is supposed to stretch out my legs and feel good. The leg part I can deal with, but for some reason (okay, not "some reason" but because I'm a totally uncoordinated klutz of the highest calling), this pose often throws me off balance and makes me dizzy and drunk feeling (and not in a good way!) This is especially true if we're having class outdoors and I decide, in my yogic nature mindedness, to watch the passing clouds overhead. Sway, sway, sway, throw up in my mouth a little, berate, re-focus, repeat.

This asana, brought to you from the Annals of Sadomasochism Monthly, is called "Pigeon." It is what affectionately is known in yoga circles as a "hip opener." Yes, that odd popping noise coming from your pelvic region and that vague sense of lower parts being rearranged is your hips being opened. This is a good thing! You should practice this on a daily basis, perhaps in front of the TV so that your spouse and children can be entertained by your cries of pain during particularly dull portions of their TV shows or during commercial breaks.

"Downward Facing Dog" is a favorite among yoga enthusiasts. They claim it's because this pose stretches your arms, legs, and shoulders, but I know the real reason-comic relief! Ever see a room full of people with their heads pointed down toward the floor and their derrieres sticking up in the air? It's funny. Laughter is good for you. Just make sure you look at your neighbor on her mat doing this pose and not EVER in a mirror at yourself. Then you would cry.

After an hour of bending my middle aged body in ways that nature never intended, comes the sweet reward-relaxation time! We slowly lower each vertebrae onto our mats, allow our hands and feet to fall naturally, and relax into a comfortable position. We release muscle tension and BREATH. Ahhhh....For about 20 seconds! Then it's time to pack up and leave! WTF! That's the best part! Well, I'll just go home and practice yoga on my own this week and then I can do the relaxation part for as long as I want. Or maybe just skip the yoga and move right on to the relaxation part!