2 Giant Microbes, and a Box of Penis Shaped Pasta

There's less than a week left until Christmas, and I know some of you out there are panic stricken because you haven't completed your holiday shopping yet. Well, fear not! Lolamouse is here with a list of gifts that, although they may not arrive by Christmas (I view deadlines as mere suggestions), will be well worth the wait for the memories they create. It's always a joy to me when I behold someone opening my gift, see their eyes widen, and hear the gasp in their voice as they say, "My! How... inappropriate!"

Books

Books are always a lovely gift for anyone of any age. A charming little book to help children learn the alphabet, as well as avoid some of the dangers of life, is The Gashlycrumb Tinies by Edward Gorey. Set to a sing-songy rhyming patter, The Gashlycrumb Tinies recounts the hideous deaths of 26 alphabetically ordered children from various ailments, accidents, and assaults. A perfect addition to any child's library.

Remember the Sally, Dick, and Jane books from grammar school (those of us who are of "a certain age)? Remember how dull and mundane they were? Well, Sally, Dick, and Jane are back but their stories are new and improved! Meet Dick and Jane and Vampires! Never too young to be introduced to the sexy vampire genre, this reading primer adds some much needed intrigue and foreboding to the first grade reader. Makes for great bedtime stories!

 
Stuffed Animals

They're infectiously cute!

Known around our house as "plushies," stuffed animals are always a good "go to" gift for the holidays. What? You think plushies are only for little girls? Then you haven't seen Giant Microbes! Giant Microbes are stuffed animals that look like tiny microbes, only they are millions of times bigger and have faces! They come in different varieties, such as Health (flu, common cold), Calamities (anthrax, mad cow), Critters (bed bug, dust mite), and Venereals (herpes, syphilis). Need a last minute teacher gift? How about a head louse or H1N1?  Something for your mail carrier? How about anthrax? Bet he'd get a real kick out of that! The possibilities are endless!
 
 What do you do when your daughter asks for an indie comic strip character plushie that doesn't exist? Most normal parents would just explain that it isn't possible. But, those of you who know me know    that I'm anything but normal! Thus, we have Frupert. Frupert is the teddy bearish character from the defunct cartoon strip Pink Chickens. Read this cartoon and you will begin to understand my warped psyche just a bit better! 

Clothes

There will be no ugly Christmas sweaters found under the tree at my house. There will, however, be some uber-cool T-shirts! Here is one that my family got for me for Hanukkah this year. It's from Hyperbole and a Half, one of my all-time fav blogs. I've written about my neurotic need to clean, clean, clean before a vacation (Dirty Thoughts), so this shirt is the perfect gift! There are more at Allie's store on her blog-check her out; she's hilarious!

Nothing says "I'm well read" like wearing poetry on your chest. Especially nonsense poetry from      Lewis Carroll. Justin Hillgrove's Jabberwocky T-shirt will guarantee that people will be   staring   quizzically at your chest! Who wouldn't want that? Wear this shirt on a date; if the guy has Jabberwocky memorized by the end of the evening, you know he wasn't listening to a thing you've said!
 
Jewelery

Sure, I love diamonds, you love diamonds, everyone loves diamonds. But sometimes we just can't afford to give diamonds. So what's the next best thing? LIPS!!! (and I'm NOT talking about hummers!) Not just any lips, though. The infamous lips from the opening credits of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I know you want one! And you can get one too, from Etsy, and show your allegiance to the sweetest transvestite that ever was.

 
Food

What would the holidays be without food? Let's be honest, though. Cookies, candy, fruitcake-it's been done. Why don't you really surprise someone on your list this year with a box of penis shaped pasta! I know this is one gift that won't be regifted! It's perfect for those big (meat)balls you love too! Just be careful when preparing. Don't overcook or it will get limp, and no one likes limp penises!

Now that you've got some great last minute gift ideas, go get your cash or credit card and get busy. There's only so much time left, and the Penis Pasta could sell out at any minute! Happy Shopping!