Breathe...

So, still doing the yoga thing. This morning, my mind had things on its mind other than "being here now." It's really amazing how many irrelevant and garbled thoughts can travel through my brain in the space of one respiration!

"Inhale..."

Oh my God! My feet look disgusting! How long has it been since I've used moisturizer on them?!! They have more cracks and peels than the ceiling of a tenement! 

Maybe I should've stayed home. My daughter is sick. What if she starts puking and chokes on her vomit and here I am in relaxation pose. The guilt!

What do I need to get at the store after this? What are those thingies called that prevent colds? I wonder if they work or if they're just a rip-off.

What is with that woman on the mat next to me? She sounds like Darth Vader when she breathes!

Why is my left side still so much tighter than my right? I've been doing this for years now. You would think I'd have achieved some symmetry at this point!

My yoga mat smells like a combination of dirty socks and Fritos! How can that be? How does one clean a yoga mat?

Why did I paint my toenails such a bright red color? It's like I'm saying, "Hey, look over here at my disgusting feet!" I may as well have put a neon sign on them. 

I didn't think my yoga teacher's butt could get any rounder, but yet it has. It's like a perfect little bun. I hate her so much!

Looking at my watch is not "being here now." I will not look at my watch. OK, maybe just a glance. Just once. 

I think it must have stopped. We've definitely been doing this more than 20 minutes already.

WTF is a reverse triangle? Isn't a reverse triangle just a triangle? You can't fool me.

Why did they have to kill off Angela on Boardwalk Empire? What's the message here? Smart, independent, free thinking  women who don't fit society's expectations wind up dead? 

Oh no! Balancing poses. I hate balancing poses. Keep your focus. Stare at that doorknob. Stop glancing around! You're going to fall...crap.

I wonder if anyone else can hear my stomach growling.

I can't believe I forgot to buy milk at the grocery store yesterday! Is that a sign of Alzheimer's? Who goes grocery shopping and forgets milk? Who does that?!!

If I have to hold this twisted lunge position one more second, I think I'm going to get a hernia.

What is a hernia, anyway?

Oy vey, did the teacher fall asleep up there? Maybe she died, and her body rigor mortised into a twisted lunge position, and now we'll never get out of it!

I hope I don't run into anyone I know in the store after class. There's some serious camel toe happening in these yoga pants today. Ugh.

It has to be almost relaxation time. I know it. I can feel it winding down. Aw, man! Low plank?!! That's not cool.

Yes! Finally! 

"Exhale."

HOT Yoga

As some of my regular readers (bless your insane little hearts!) know, I've been practicing yoga for several years now (you'd think with all this practice, I'd be decent by now!) My yoga teacher (she of the impossibly tight, round butt and not an extra ounce of body fat on her 40 something year-old frame) likes to lead her classes outdoors in her yard when the weather is warm. Now, I'm all for this in the fall and spring, as the birds and butterflies provide a lovely distraction from my own pain, and frankly, I'd much rather watch Mother Nature than my own flabby self in the wall mirror. HOWEVER, most of the country has probably noticed a nasty HEAT WAVE recently, which we also have here. The temperatures had already climbed into the 80s by early morning with high humidity, so when I approached my yoga class, I thought to myself, "There's no way she's going to make us do this class outside today." How wrong I was!

Now I know that some people pay big bucks for bikram yoga, which is a form of insanity where they heat the room to 105 degrees and force you to do 90 minutes of impossible yoga asanas in the heat. This laugh riot was dreamed up by Bikram Choudhury, who claims that "...the heated studio facilitates deeper stretching and injury prevention, while reducing stress and tension." That is, if you don't die of heat exhaustion first. I, however, do NOT pay for bikram yoga. I want my yoga room temperature, thank you very much. I do not choose to pay extra for heat stroke.

Today's class, however, would have done Bikram Choudhury proud. The sun was burning, the air was stifling, and the humidity was sticky. I was dripping sweat before the warm-up was even finished. Not my yoga teacher! What a bitch inspiration she was! Her blond hair glistening in the sun, her tanned face and body radiating a warm glow, and not a drop of sweat on her svelte, toned body. It just made me want to stick a fork in her neck work even harder! Which, of course, she made us do! Balancing poses! My absolute worst and a total nightmare with the gnats buzzing in my ears and ants crawling up my legs. No, I was not experiencing drug induced hallucinations-there were really ants crawling on my legs! Yeesh!

I don't think my hour of yoga has ever gone so slowly. By the end, I had done Downward Panting Dog, Roasted Pigeon, Warrior with Heat Stroke, Cat On a Hot Tin Roof, and Lunge for the Water. If I didn't lose at least 5 pounds of water weight, I'll be really pissed off! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with an air conditioner, some ice cream, and a long shower! Namaste.

I'm melting, melting.

Get Off Your Asana! It's Time for Yoga!

As I sit here at the keyboard with sore shoulders, achy hamstrings, a crick in my neck, and tight as a rubber band that's been left in a middle school locker over the winter holiday, I wonder again when I will begin feeling all the wondrous, youth enhancing benefits of the yoga I've been practicing for about 2 years now. Then again, maybe if I hadn't been doing yoga all this time, I'd be feeling even worse than I do now! Can't prove the negative, right? Let's go with that.

I have a great yoga teacher. She's not one of those "access your third eye" types who reeks of patchouli and looks like she hasn't seen the inside of a shower stall in 6 weeks. She's actually quite a normal person, aside from being over 40 having stolen the body of a svelte 20 year-old and grafted it onto her head. Her ass won't quit, and I say that in a totally non-lesbianish but very envious sort of way. I could do lunges from now until 2012 and I'd NEVER achieve the awesomeness of her ass. But I digress.

Since you can't all come to Southern MD (and if you could, I know you'd be off like a herd of stampeding turtles!) and take a class with my yoga teacher, I thought I'd give you the next best thing. Then I realized that I can't friggin' do that either, so I thought I'd draw you some lame ass pictures of what I look like during my yoga class so you can mentally transport yourself and snicker behind my back from wherever you happen to be. 

This is how I look when class begins. I'm fresh (well as fresh as someone who's been dragged out of bed at 5 effin' 30 in the morning can be) and in a yoga state of mind (like a New York state of mind but without the traffic and panhandlers). I fully plan to breath deeply throughout the hour long class and achieve maximum mindfulness and bodily relaxation.

The first few minutes are a breeze. We breath. We close our eyes and "be" in the moment. We stretch a little. We warm up. We look to the sky and rotate our wrists and arms. Easy stuff. Nice. I love yoga.

Just as I'm about to get lured into a false sense of serenity, my yoga teacher starts pulling asanas out of her ass and doesn't stop for the rest of the hour! Here is but a small sampling of some of the pretzelifications I am humiliatingly contorted into each week:

This little gem is called "Warrior." See the power and strength? Neither do I. By the time I've faced a sink full of dirty breakfast dishes, cleaned up puddles of dog piddle, and dealt with some serious teen 'tude, all this warrior wants is to curl up and die in the field hospital.

What is the name of this pose? Does it even have one? It often follows several "Warrior" poses and is supposed to stretch out my legs and feel good. The leg part I can deal with, but for some reason (okay, not "some reason" but because I'm a totally uncoordinated klutz of the highest calling), this pose often throws me off balance and makes me dizzy and drunk feeling (and not in a good way!) This is especially true if we're having class outdoors and I decide, in my yogic nature mindedness, to watch the passing clouds overhead. Sway, sway, sway, throw up in my mouth a little, berate, re-focus, repeat.

This asana, brought to you from the Annals of Sadomasochism Monthly, is called "Pigeon." It is what affectionately is known in yoga circles as a "hip opener." Yes, that odd popping noise coming from your pelvic region and that vague sense of lower parts being rearranged is your hips being opened. This is a good thing! You should practice this on a daily basis, perhaps in front of the TV so that your spouse and children can be entertained by your cries of pain during particularly dull portions of their TV shows or during commercial breaks.

"Downward Facing Dog" is a favorite among yoga enthusiasts. They claim it's because this pose stretches your arms, legs, and shoulders, but I know the real reason-comic relief! Ever see a room full of people with their heads pointed down toward the floor and their derrieres sticking up in the air? It's funny. Laughter is good for you. Just make sure you look at your neighbor on her mat doing this pose and not EVER in a mirror at yourself. Then you would cry.

After an hour of bending my middle aged body in ways that nature never intended, comes the sweet reward-relaxation time! We slowly lower each vertebrae onto our mats, allow our hands and feet to fall naturally, and relax into a comfortable position. We release muscle tension and BREATH. Ahhhh....For about 20 seconds! Then it's time to pack up and leave! WTF! That's the best part! Well, I'll just go home and practice yoga on my own this week and then I can do the relaxation part for as long as I want. Or maybe just skip the yoga and move right on to the relaxation part!

Yoga Thoughts

"...Breathe slowly in and out. Now close your eyes, clear your mind, and bring yourself here." So begins another yoga session. I can breathe; I can close my eyes, but my mind has other things on its mind! This morning, instead of going to a blissful state of nirvana, here is where my mind went instead:

I'm so tired. I could fall asleep right here.
Geez, my eyes are dry. They're going to feel like sandpaper when I open them.
What am I going to make for dinner tonight?
Oh! I know! How about that salmon dish with the noodles?
But I've got a ton of peppers in the fridge. I should do something with them.
Stop thinking about dinner. Clear your mind!
I need to go to the grocery store after this class.
I hate going to the grocery store in my yoga clothes, but I don't want to go home and back out again.
Why does my back crack so much when we do that twisty move? Maybe I need a chiropractor.
God! My feet are dry! I wish I could splurge on a pedicure!
Okay, feeling relaxed. Nice stretch there. I like leg stretches. I can do those.
Hey! That other chick is stretching farther! Shit! Now I'm pissed.
Don't compare yourself to other people. And she's fatter than you anyway.
But these yoga pants really don't do much for the old muffin top.
Ooh, muffins....
You're thinking again! Clear your mind, girl!
We look SO stupid in this pose!
God, I hope my tampon's not leaking!
How does the instructor repeat this sequence of asanas by memory? She's like a yoga savant!
Hey, I think she missed a pose!
Nope. My mistake. She nailed the sequence (as always).
Why is it so freakin' hot in here? Is anyone else sweating or am I having a hot flash?
I wonder how often I'd have to work out to have a butt like my instructor's?
Who am I kidding?!!
I hope we finish on time.
Why does my mind wander like this? Stop it!

That's a useless pose. What am I supposed to get from that one?
Hey, we're almost done! I see the light!
Oh no! Balancing asanas!
My tree is falling....
I hate balancing poses. I have no coordination. I'm not a gymnast dammit!
We're done! Yay!
I love yoga. It's so relaxing.