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Poetry and snark blogger who also has a creative side (who knew?)

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


So, still doing the yoga thing. This morning, my mind had things on its mind other than "being here now." It's really amazing how many irrelevant and garbled thoughts can travel through my brain in the space of one respiration!


Oh my God! My feet look disgusting! How long has it been since I've used moisturizer on them?!! They have more cracks and peels than the ceiling of a tenement! 

Maybe I should've stayed home. My daughter is sick. What if she starts puking and chokes on her vomit and here I am in relaxation pose. The guilt!

What do I need to get at the store after this? What are those thingies called that prevent colds? I wonder if they work or if they're just a rip-off.

What is with that woman on the mat next to me? She sounds like Darth Vader when she breathes!

Why is my left side still so much tighter than my right? I've been doing this for years now. You would think I'd have achieved some symmetry at this point!

My yoga mat smells like a combination of dirty socks and Fritos! How can that be? How does one clean a yoga mat?

Why did I paint my toenails such a bright red color? It's like I'm saying, "Hey, look over here at my disgusting feet!" I may as well have put a neon sign on them. 

I didn't think my yoga teacher's butt could get any rounder, but yet it has. It's like a perfect little bun. I hate her so much!

Looking at my watch is not "being here now." I will not look at my watch. OK, maybe just a glance. Just once. 

I think it must have stopped. We've definitely been doing this more than 20 minutes already.

WTF is a reverse triangle? Isn't a reverse triangle just a triangle? You can't fool me.

Why did they have to kill off Angela on Boardwalk Empire? What's the message here? Smart, independent, free thinking  women who don't fit society's expectations wind up dead? 

Oh no! Balancing poses. I hate balancing poses. Keep your focus. Stare at that doorknob. Stop glancing around! You're going to fall...crap.

I wonder if anyone else can hear my stomach growling.

I can't believe I forgot to buy milk at the grocery store yesterday! Is that a sign of Alzheimer's? Who goes grocery shopping and forgets milk? Who does that?!!

If I have to hold this twisted lunge position one more second, I think I'm going to get a hernia.

What is a hernia, anyway?

Oy vey, did the teacher fall asleep up there? Maybe she died, and her body rigor mortised into a twisted lunge position, and now we'll never get out of it!

I hope I don't run into anyone I know in the store after class. There's some serious camel toe happening in these yoga pants today. Ugh.

It has to be almost relaxation time. I know it. I can feel it winding down. Aw, man! Low plank?!! That's not cool.

Yes! Finally! 



  1. Reading this, I am starting to wonder if you are crazier than I am ;-)
    Oh, I forget to order milk all the time and take the ear bashing that goes with it.
    BTW, this is not a stalk, I read Wild and followed a link here, so that's down to you that I am here and making daft comments ok.

  2. You're too cerebral. Us 'dudes' just think about how most surreptitiously with the least amount of whistling or rattling we can fart. Then who we can blame and what kind of face is appropriate for the moment.

  3. I can relate! I loved this! Also like the asanas with their new names--very accurate.

    You go, yoga mouse!

  4. For some reason the "Land Ho!" position cracked me up!

  5. Put a couple of inches of warm water and gentle shampoo into the tub. Add your yoga mat. Let it soak for an hour or until you remember it (hopefully not right before the next class). Then rinse it off and hang it over the shower curtain to dry.

    I really can't remember if it's gentle shampoo, dish detergent, or laundry detergent but I know it was something liquid so I'd go with the shampoo-it will do the least harm.


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