You're Not the Boss of Me! or Why I Hate Airline Travel: Part III

I don't like other people telling me what I can and can't do. I like autonomy. Airline travel and autonomy don't mix. Ipso facto, I HATE airline travel!!! I can deal with the assigned seat (after all, I get to choose it), but that little light above my seat that tells me when I can and can't "move about the cabin" is a complete nuisance. I haven't been told to "sit down" since I was in public school, and I hated it then. So what if there's turbulence? I'll pretend I've had a couple of glasses of merlot and am wearing heels and deal. Permission to use the bathroom? You've got to be kidding!

And with airport security so paranoid, you can't bring much in the way of snacks or drinks with you on the plane, so you're at the mercy of the flight attendants (aka Air Nazis) for your sustenance. "Did you see the drink cart?" "I think I might have seen the drink cart!" "Oh no! It's going down the other side! What if she forgets our side?" Not since infancy and bottle time has liquid loomed so all important. And then, if we're lucky, and the flight attendant/air nazi tosses a tiny bag of snack-type foodstuff on our tray, we light up like we've hit the big one on Lotto. "Ooh, what is it?" "I don't know....it looks like some kind of crunchy corn-type thing and maybe a piece of a nut!" How pathetic! It's like we're dogs begging for treats. It's humiliating.

Crank it up another notch come "meal" time. As soon as we think we see the magic cart, we're like Pavlov's dogs. "I WANT FOOD! PLEASE GIVE ME FOOD!" We're all craning our necks to see what the masters are bringing us and trying to make eye contact so maybe we'll get ours first. "See me? I'm a good passenger. Give me my food, please?" So undignified. Would we EVER act this way on solid ground for a tiny tray of microwaved processed meat food, a limp leaf of lettuce, and a rock hard, cold roll? What is it about air travel that turns adults into sniveling babies?

Then there's the whole set of ludicrous rules they impose of you for take-off and landing. Who are they kidding? I'm old enough to decide when I've had enough TV time, and I don't appreciate some air slut who isn't even old enough to remember the first "Airplane" movie telling me to turn off all electronic devices. Then they walk by your seat to check that your seatbelt is fastened and your seat is "upright." Ha! What are they going to do? Not land the plane if I'm comfortably reclined that extra 1/2 inch? "Young lady! You put your seat upright this instant or the captain is going to pull this plane over-do you hear me?! We will not land this plane until you fix your seat!" And the little seatbelt show? I'm sure that being safely buckled in my seat will be the difference between life and death when the plane plummets from 25 thousand feet in the air. I just hope they don't find my body in the plane lavatory because I ignored the sign above my seat!