A Booty Call to Ignore

A model wears Booty Pop panties (on right) to plump her posterior
(amazing how it improves her posture and gives her bigger boobs too!-lolamouse)

For centuries, women have wriggled into girdles and other slimmers to minimize their rear ends. Now, a fascination with the hind-quarters of celebrities like Beyoncé and Kim Kardashian is fueling a booming market for undergarments that amplify the derrière.

On Booty Pop's late-night infomercials, which began airing in December, viewers are entreated to "forget about doing endless squats—and cosmetic surgery, who can afford that?" as models prance around in tight jeans flaunting their backsides.

What will the marketing gurus think of next to torture us women?!! The above drivel is an actual advertisement for a product called "Booty Pop." Booty Pop is not an alternative sexual activity but an undergarment with built-in pads to "plump" one's hindquarters. Consider it a push-up bra for your ass. Apparently, it is now not only OK to have "junk in the trunk," it's sexy. Flat or "pancake" butts are OUT.

Of course, women are still required to have tiny waists, thin thighs, and no hips along with the perfectly rounded and perky derriere. Thus, Booty Pop to the rescue! I can think of no bigger pleasure than wearing panties with padding sewn into them all day long, especially in the summer. Put me down for 7 pairs, one for every day of the week! How sexy I will feel carrying around two big pads on my ass. I bet they get really nice and heavy when you sweat too! It'll be just like wearing a wet diaper all day or pasting Kotex all over your backside. I'll have to fight the men off with a stick!

I'm waiting for the day when belly blumps are considered the new sexy (you women know what I mean, that wedge of fat under your navel that you can't get rid of?) I can just see it now: "Don't waste all your time and money buying and eating high calorie food to try and get that sexy 'muffin top!' With our new Muffin Topper Pantie, the muffin top look you so envy can be yours!" Millions of skinny chicks will flock to the lingerie department to buy panties that give them belly bulges. I won't have to because mine will be au natural! It will be a proud moment.