Not Fit for Print

Well, Dave and I both entered the Style Invitational for the Natalie Portmanteau contest. This is where you take a name and combine it with another name or an object and define the result. An example that I submitted that won NOTHING: Elton John Kennedy: the first gay, Catholic president. Unfortunately, neither Dave nor I were "losers" this week (that is, we didn't win), but being the obsessive compulsive that those of you who know me know that I am, I checked out the Style Conversational, which is the blog for the contest where each week's contest is discussed in more detail. Lola and behold! My "not fit for print" entry got e-ink (enk?) Eminemeril is mine, folks! Should I be proud or ashamed? Too hard to find on the web unless your as OCD as myself, so I copied it here for your prurient perusal.

Risque Business

Well, really, it's hard to beat the "eat a peach" allusion in this week's runner-up. But it was an opaque allusion, not a direct reference, and hence entirely printable.

Not printable, on the other hand:

Jenna Jameson Irish Whiskey: You Won’t Believe How Easy It Goes Down. (Phil Battey, Alexandria)

Eminemeril: "Bitch don't like my cooking?! BAM! Right in the f-in' face!" (The entrant specified "not for print," so I don't know if she wanted to take credit for this one. If it's you, feel free to identify yourselves

Done. I am id'd.

Palin Makes Teen Motherhood Bristol Clear

Want to make $30,000 for talking to people? Want to be on TV? Want to have premarital sex and be a teen mom like me? Of course not! It's BAD!!! Don't do it! Well, of course, I did, and I'm famous now and making TONS of money, but YOU shouldn't. I ditched my baby daddy like so much used tissue and now make a mint marketing my darling little mistake, but it's wrong for you. In fact, I so strongly believe that teen sex and motherhood are wrong that I have my own foundation (how cool is that?!!) to promote abstinence. People pay me to tell you not to do what I did! So, listen to the words I'm speaking from both sides of my mouth; I'm a role model (sort of). Now that we're clear on that issue, I'm going to go get a latte, buy a new outfit from my speaking engagement money, and hire a nanny.

It's WAR!!!

"You lookin' at me?"

The war is on! Sheri vs. the evil squirrel empire (Part...I lost count). Those rabid little psychopaths have been swinging maniacally from my seed feeder all winter and scattering sunflower seeds all over the ground to eat (and I WILL get photographic evidence of this, despite their uncanny ability to scamper away the minute I point a lens at them). They may have won the birdseed battle, but now the war is really ON! It's hummingbird season, and I just hung my feeder full of nectar. I am determined to look out of my kitchen window and gaze contentedly upon the graceful beauty of a hummingbird sipping from my feeder and NOT have my sight assaulted by a furry, fat rodent dangling clumsily off my hummingbird feeder, tipping it backward to drunkenly chug my carefully concocted sugar water and spill it all over the deck to attract armies of ants! This summer I may just allow Soni the attack poodle to chase them away. They'll be running for their mortal little lives! HA! This summer I WILL NOT coddle them by offering the squirrels their own dish of sugar water near the trees in the vain hope that they will leave my hummingbird feeder alone. They're a squirrel mafia! Give them a little; they demand more and more until they own you! No, I must take back my yard from these fluffy tailed delinquents! I'm ready; I'm mad; I will not fear the squirrels!!!

I'm a Loser! Again!

Guess what?! I "made ink" in the Washington Post's Style Invitational a second time! My first was with my lovely title for a Bob Staake book cover and this one is for a "googlenope," which is a set of words that get no hits when entered into Google. I won 4th place (again!) and another Loser t-shirt! Yay me! I'm a born LOSER! Mom will be so proud. Here's the link to this past Saturday's Invitational (scroll down to the entries for Week 865) so you can read all the entries that were more clever than mine! http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/05/14/AR2010051402491.html