Objets D'Crap

Um, I think something dripped down your neck

Well, wouldn't you know it, as soon as I completed my list of "don't wants" for the holidays, one of my favorite sites, Neatorama, posted some rather "unusual" items that I also do not want but were rather intriguing. One in particular, the "pearl necklace," I had to research further. I found that it was designed by artist Leah Piepgras and is described as an "amorphous cast silver shape...that is actually an accurate representation of semen. It is a visual marker of chaos turned perfection through an act of beauty and lust...." I see. So, it's not just an overpriced blob of silver splooge on a chain! How unsophisticated of me not to recognize the artistic merit in the piece!

In case wearing silver representations of bodily effluvium doesn't float your boat, Ms. Piepgras also offers some lovely objets d'art of the dinnerware variety. Entitled "Consumption Dinnerware," this five piece place setting is for the "mental, physical, and spiritual act of consuming," by which I assume she means eating. The plates feature a "map of the digestive track from mouth to anus" and promote mindfulness. If I were served on these plates, I believe they would promote nausea and perhaps vomiting and several days of fasting. 

 

When I'm through fasting, however, I will need a caffeine fix. What I won't need (or want) is a cup of Kopi Luwak or Civet Crap Choice Coffee. Yes, there is a coffee more expensive and more exotic than Starbucks! The Asian Palm Civet Cat eats only the best coffee fruits, and the coffee beans partially ferment inside its digestive track. It then poops out the coffee beans, which are collected and cleaned and sold to YOU for a unique and delicate coffee flavor experience. Perhaps Ms. Piepgras could serve Kopi Luwak coffee at her next art installation or exhibition. Seems fitting somehow.

All I (Don't) Want for Christmas

When is bigger not better? When is more too much? I’ve been pondering these questions as the holidays approach and as I see increasing evidence of the eagerness of the American public to buy into every ridiculous fad that is offered up in the name of beauty, luxury, or pampering.

With this blatant over-the-top consumerism in mind, I offer you a sampling of some of the items that are NOT on my Hanukkah or Christmas lists this year:

      Collagen enhanced lips: When did it become sexy to look like you're having an allergic reaction to something you've eaten? Or maybe it's that "I've just been punched in the mouth" look that you're going for?  If you want to look pouty, just pout. It’s not that hard. If you really want that swollen lip look, come on over to my house and I’ll hit you for free. I enjoy hitting really stupid people. 

      Beach ball boobs: Okay, I get it that if you’re in the entertainment industry and you have little tits, you’re going to get a boob job. I understand going from A to C or even D or maybe even larger. But have you seen some of the boobs that are NOT bouncing around these days (real boobs bounce, people!) They look like over-inflated beach balls! Not only are they huge, but they’re perfectly round! Natural breasts are not spherical!  Why do men ogle these monstrosities? I don’t think I’d find it sexy if a man had tennis ball sized implants in his testicles, so why are freak-of-nature breast implants so effin’ drool-worthy? 

Flesh eating fish pedicures: I am so not making this up! There is a species of fish that eats human flesh.  Someone has seen the money making potential in this weirdness and thought, "Someone will pay for this!" and he  was right! There are nail salons where you can pay to stick your feet into a tank full of these little flesh suckers (they technically don't have teeth) and have them eat your feet as a part of your pedicure. Sounds like bliss, no?                       

                                                                                                                           

Vajazzling: Somehow I didn't get the notice that pubes are now "out." When did this happen? Seems that once a woman is old enough to have any hair "down there," she goes in for a Brazilian to get it waxed off. Ouch, I say. Ouch. Certainly, one doesn't want rogue hairs poking out from a bathing suit, but totally bare? I don't quite get this trend. If the guy I'm with insists that my lady parts be totally bare, that seems a tad pedophilic to me. But I digress...Vajazzling. Once the canvass is blank, so to speak, Swarovski crystals and glitter are applied to decorate. Why I would need my nether regions to sparkle is beyond me, but apparently Jennifer Love Hewitt made this stupid trend popular. Kathy Griffin had it done on national TV before her PAP smear, so at least hers was a "public cervix" or "pubic service" or, oh, forget it! 

      Botox: I know it's bothersome. You look in the mirror and see smile lines, creases by your forehead, wrinkles, etc.  Add those to the gray hairs and you don't look quite as young and nubile as you used to. Sigh. "I know!" you think to yourself. "Why don't I pay hundreds of dollars every few months and have a known toxin injected into my face to make me look younger?!!" What asshat sold this to the American public as a viable option and why do so many people blindly buy it? It's Bo-tox, people. The -tox part stands for "toxin." It just stuns me that so many folks are so desperate to retain their youthful looks that they are willing to have poison injected into their faces, no once, not twice, but on a regular basis! And, frankly, most don't end up looking youthful; they end up looking like victims of Medusa, with faces frozen in stone.

And by the way, I don't want a Chia Pet, a Snuggie, a Ginsu Knife, any type of cleaning appliance, or cheap-ass scented candles either. Cash is always good. Happy Holidays!

Give Thanks That This Isn't Your Dog or Amazing But Totally Disgusting Dog Tricks

As some of you know, we adopted a 4 year-old Maltese about 2 weeks ago from a local humane group. The Maltese was described by his foster mother as friendly, housetrained, and completely non-aggressive with both people and other dogs. After meeting him twice, we liked him, brought him home, and named him Robin Goodfellow aka "Puck," after the mischievous spirit in Shakespeare's Midsummer Night's Dream.

Oh, how names are fate! Our little Puck has turned our home into his own private urinal as well as leaving us several other more materially substantial "gifts" on our carpet. He has a penchant for chewing, whether it be dog toys, chew treats, napkins, grass, trash, Chapstick, or hands. His preferred manner of greeting new people is to growl menacingly, which considering his diminutive size, makes him sound like Gizmo from Gremlins (another name we considered and luckily rejected; Gizmo tried to kill people!) Both my husband and I have been bitten several times by our little non-aggressive dog for the unpardonable sins of 1. attempting to remove garbage from his mouth before he swallowed it  2. trying to move him from the top of the couch to a cushion so he wouldn't fall  3. leaning over him to kiss.  In other words, if we do anything to irk this dog, back off or prepare to be bitten. If we had a small child in our house, he would have gone back to the rescue group already, but I am trying to study up on dog training and have contacted the group to see if someone can help. I hate to send him back and have the abandonment cycle start all over again.

Today, our little doggie wonder displayed a new talent so truly awesome and amazing that I was speechless. We were having family over for Thanksgiving dinner and the table had been set on Wednesday evening. Today, my daughter, bless her observant nature, asked me, "Mom, did you put something in one of the glasses on the table?" Odd question. Why would I do that? Then, slowly, a thought formed in my brain. I tried to fight it, but it kept reaching for consciousness. Puck. "No effing way," I thought. Then I went in the dining room, peered into the glass in question, and the evidence was indisputable. PEE. IN THE GLASS. Mind you, there was no disturbance of any china, no wet spots on the table cloth, nothing else amiss. This was truly incredible. Somehow he had managed to jump up on the table, lift his leg, aim his little pecker, and pee directly into my glassware! It was just like giving a urine sample! If it weren't so absolutely disgusting, I'd be proud of the little guy.

For those who don't believe this story, I have the pictures. Yes, I took pictures because I'm that type of person. And yes, I washed and disinfected the glass and all the dishes around it.. And no, I didn't tell any of our guests!

Wondering what to drink with the turkey? Monsieur Puck has a suggestion.

Is The Pope Catholic? Redux

My Hanukkah gift came early this year with the Pope's announcement that some condom use was morally justified, for example, to prevent the spread of AIDS by male prostitutes. Today, I feel like I spun the dreidel and got gimmel for the jackpot! Benedict XVI outdid himself by further stating that condoms are "the lesser of two evils" when used to curb the spread of AIDS even when their use may prevent pregnancy! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the Vatican, in a stunning shift of policy, has put human life before church dogma! What's next? Women priests? Nah, that's way too radical!

The Catholic Church hastened to add that condom use is still considered immoral as is any means of artificial contraception. By making this announcement, however, the Pope is opening up grounds for debate on the issues of condom use, birth control, AIDS, and other urgently significant topics. Lest we liberals don our party hats too soon, George Weigel, a conservative Catholic writer, wanted to make clear that the Vatican was certainly not endorsing condom use as a method of AIDS prevention. Weigel stated, "... someone determined to do something wrong may be showing a glimmer of moral common sense by not doing that wrong thing in the worst possible way — which is not an endorsement of anything." Uh, okay, George.

Whatever the Pope's detractors and George Weigel may say, this is HUGE! The Vatican is now declaring that a form of contraception is more morally acceptable than possibly passing on a potentially lethal virus to another person. Of course, this is just common sense to most of us, but to strict Catholics, this is a seismic shift in their way of thinking. Now, about those women priests....