All I (Don't) Want for Christmas

When is bigger not better? When is more too much? I’ve been pondering these questions as the holidays approach and as I see increasing evidence of the eagerness of the American public to buy into every ridiculous fad that is offered up in the name of beauty, luxury, or pampering.

With this blatant over-the-top consumerism in mind, I offer you a sampling of some of the items that are NOT on my Hanukkah or Christmas lists this year:

      Collagen enhanced lips: When did it become sexy to look like you're having an allergic reaction to something you've eaten? Or maybe it's that "I've just been punched in the mouth" look that you're going for?  If you want to look pouty, just pout. It’s not that hard. If you really want that swollen lip look, come on over to my house and I’ll hit you for free. I enjoy hitting really stupid people. 

      Beach ball boobs: Okay, I get it that if you’re in the entertainment industry and you have little tits, you’re going to get a boob job. I understand going from A to C or even D or maybe even larger. But have you seen some of the boobs that are NOT bouncing around these days (real boobs bounce, people!) They look like over-inflated beach balls! Not only are they huge, but they’re perfectly round! Natural breasts are not spherical!  Why do men ogle these monstrosities? I don’t think I’d find it sexy if a man had tennis ball sized implants in his testicles, so why are freak-of-nature breast implants so effin’ drool-worthy? 

Flesh eating fish pedicures: I am so not making this up! There is a species of fish that eats human flesh.  Someone has seen the money making potential in this weirdness and thought, "Someone will pay for this!" and he  was right! There are nail salons where you can pay to stick your feet into a tank full of these little flesh suckers (they technically don't have teeth) and have them eat your feet as a part of your pedicure. Sounds like bliss, no?                       

                                                                                                                           

Vajazzling: Somehow I didn't get the notice that pubes are now "out." When did this happen? Seems that once a woman is old enough to have any hair "down there," she goes in for a Brazilian to get it waxed off. Ouch, I say. Ouch. Certainly, one doesn't want rogue hairs poking out from a bathing suit, but totally bare? I don't quite get this trend. If the guy I'm with insists that my lady parts be totally bare, that seems a tad pedophilic to me. But I digress...Vajazzling. Once the canvass is blank, so to speak, Swarovski crystals and glitter are applied to decorate. Why I would need my nether regions to sparkle is beyond me, but apparently Jennifer Love Hewitt made this stupid trend popular. Kathy Griffin had it done on national TV before her PAP smear, so at least hers was a "public cervix" or "pubic service" or, oh, forget it! 

      Botox: I know it's bothersome. You look in the mirror and see smile lines, creases by your forehead, wrinkles, etc.  Add those to the gray hairs and you don't look quite as young and nubile as you used to. Sigh. "I know!" you think to yourself. "Why don't I pay hundreds of dollars every few months and have a known toxin injected into my face to make me look younger?!!" What asshat sold this to the American public as a viable option and why do so many people blindly buy it? It's Bo-tox, people. The -tox part stands for "toxin." It just stuns me that so many folks are so desperate to retain their youthful looks that they are willing to have poison injected into their faces, no once, not twice, but on a regular basis! And, frankly, most don't end up looking youthful; they end up looking like victims of Medusa, with faces frozen in stone.

And by the way, I don't want a Chia Pet, a Snuggie, a Ginsu Knife, any type of cleaning appliance, or cheap-ass scented candles either. Cash is always good. Happy Holidays!