What Does Your Condom Say About You?

Ladies, how many times has this scenario happened to you? You're in your favorite trendy bar. Suddenly, you spot some gorgeous hunk of man meat across the room and advance upon said specimen to introduce yourself. You chat for a bit, and he graciously buys you a couple of expensive cocktails. You see no ring on his finger and no tell-tale tan line where a ring should be. You hightail it out of the bar back to his place in his Porsche. He takes you up to his apartment, in a very high-rent part of town. You glance around his place and notice chic furnishings and upscale artwork on the walls. Now it's go-time. You slink back to his bedroom with him and fall upon his king sized bed with the 500 count Egyptian cotton sheets. He reaches over to his nightstand and discreetly grabs...A TROJAN?!! Oh, hell no. Game over. You're outta there right NOW!

Or gentlemen, does this vignette sound all too familiar? You've scored a table at the newest and most desirable restaurant in town. You and your date haughtily walk past the throngs of peons trying to make a reservation for months from now and enter the dining establishment. You give the maitre de your name and a hundred dollar bill and are escorted to a premium table where you can see and be seen. You order an uber-expensive bottle of wine and hope to get your date a little drunk. The lady you've chosen to accompany you this evening is lovely; she's from a wealthy family, attended an Ivy League school, has a well-paying job, and is a knock-out! She's dressed in a tasteful yet expensive dress, with jewelery to match. Just perfect. After dinner you head back to your place as planned. She's a bit tipsy, as planned. One thing leads to another, and out of her Ferragamo clutch she pulls out...A DUREX CONDOM?!! Oh, hell no. You feign food poisoning and get her out of your apartment immediately!

You drive an expensive car. You live in an expensive house or apartment. You eat at the best restaurants. You wear only the finest clothes. Why should you settle for anything other than THE BEST CONDOM?!! That's why 2 French aristocrats decided to introduce a luxury condom to the market. Company vice president Count Gil de Bizemont, who co-founded the Original Condom Co., with His Royal Highness the Prince Charles Emmanuel de Bourbon Parm, claims that there is a demand for prestige in prophylactics. "There [is] always a need for quality, good taste (insert sophmoric joke here!) and beautiful objects."  "Condoms protect everyone from disease, ours protect from tackiness," stated G. de Bizemont.  And isn't that really the most important thing? Any old condom can prevent sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy, but how many can look good while doing it? How many condom brands would you be proud to carry around in your pocket or purse? How many come with their own faux black suede pocket or elegant display box, inspired by the world of jewelery? Or, as one of the founders of the company asks, would you be proud to have a "traditional" condom on your table when Mom visits? This, of course, makes me question why he would have any condom out on a table when his mother visits. Um, yuck.

The Original Condom is pricey, as any luxury good can be expected to be. One condom is $2.00, the "Pocket," which contains 3 condoms and can be refilled, is $13.50, and the "Regular," which is a  refillable box, contains 6 condoms for $20.00.  Instead of a tacky, foil envelope shouting "RIBBED FOR HER PLEASURE," these precious gems are neatly packaged in discreet, little black boxes or packets, more like English tea than a contraceptive. The company expects they will be sold at "finer" hotels and restaurants, as well as online. No gas station restrooms for these babies! Those of us with high standards owe a debt of gratitude to the founders of this company for finally allowing us to differentiate riff-raff rubbers from prestige prophylactics. We now have one more weapon in our arsenal to strain out the commoners from our pool of possible sexual partners. Bravo!

WATCH THE COMMERCIAL!!!

Is The Pope Catholic? Redux

My Hanukkah gift came early this year with the Pope's announcement that some condom use was morally justified, for example, to prevent the spread of AIDS by male prostitutes. Today, I feel like I spun the dreidel and got gimmel for the jackpot! Benedict XVI outdid himself by further stating that condoms are "the lesser of two evils" when used to curb the spread of AIDS even when their use may prevent pregnancy! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the Vatican, in a stunning shift of policy, has put human life before church dogma! What's next? Women priests? Nah, that's way too radical!

The Catholic Church hastened to add that condom use is still considered immoral as is any means of artificial contraception. By making this announcement, however, the Pope is opening up grounds for debate on the issues of condom use, birth control, AIDS, and other urgently significant topics. Lest we liberals don our party hats too soon, George Weigel, a conservative Catholic writer, wanted to make clear that the Vatican was certainly not endorsing condom use as a method of AIDS prevention. Weigel stated, "... someone determined to do something wrong may be showing a glimmer of moral common sense by not doing that wrong thing in the worst possible way — which is not an endorsement of anything." Uh, okay, George.

Whatever the Pope's detractors and George Weigel may say, this is HUGE! The Vatican is now declaring that a form of contraception is more morally acceptable than possibly passing on a potentially lethal virus to another person. Of course, this is just common sense to most of us, but to strict Catholics, this is a seismic shift in their way of thinking. Now, about those women priests....

Is The Pope Catholic?

Is the Pope Catholic? I had to wonder this myself when I heard that Pope Benedict XVI recently stated that some condom use may be morally justified. Jewish girl sez, "WHAAAAT???" It must be my early Hanukkah gift this year that a reasonable statement has emerged from the Vatican! Maybe my liberal, Jewish juju infiltrated the place when I visited Rome this summer!

In a move that has mortified conservative officials at the Vatican and in the Catholic Church, the Pope has declared that condom use may be justified in order to prevent the spread of infectious diseases, such as AIDS. He cited the case of male prostitutes as an example of those who may be morally justified in using condoms as a "first step" in living a more moral life. The Pope made no mention of female prostitutes and continued to assert the Church's opposition to artificial means of birth control (some progress is better than none, right?) Some Catholics fear that Benedict has now opened up debate on the issue and that this ruling could lead to other "justified" uses of condoms, to which conservative Catholics strongly object.

I cannot fathom how anyone could possibly object to something that has been shown to prevent a deadly, infectious disease.  If you personally feel that condom use, or any artificial contraception is morally wrong, then abstain from sex. But how can you call yourself a moral person if you would prefer to condemn someone to a preventable death sentence than allow him or her to use the means to prevent it? It heartens me to see that the Pope is beginning to see the gray areas in these moral questions and allow for some real world reasoning to balance out his moral absolutes. There's still a LONG way to go as far as I'm concerned, but I give a big AMEN to Pope Benedict on his latest call. I hope it's just the beginning of the Catholic Church entering the 21st century with moral guidance that real people can actually use in today's world.

How Big is Your Love?

You've gotta give it to the DC schools--when they say they want to prevent teen pregnancy, they mean it. Their latest prevention effort is a revamped condom distribution plan. The previous plan was a failure partly because the kids said they hated the brand of condoms that were distributed by the schools. Uncomfortable and "not cool." Now, I know some people say that if you're given something for free and it's something that you need, then you shouldn't complain about it. Do those people have teenagers? Do those people even know a teenager? Branding is everything. Being cool matters. Thus, the DC schools are now giving away Magnum XLs, the preferred brand of condom for the hip urban youth. And I'm not being sarcastic when I state that I think this is a GREAT IDEA!!! Sure, teens should wait to have sex. Sure, those who are sexually active should use whatever is available and not complain about it, but prevention is about working with what is, not what should be. If Magnum XLs are mentioned in rap lyrics, if they're more comfortable, if they're more cool, then use Magnum XLs! Anything to get teens to use condoms. It probably doesn't hurt that the label says XL either (think Magnum "Averages" would be as popular?) I can think of some great ad campaigns too: "I never go anywhere without my Magnum!" "Show her how big your love is with Magnum XL!" "Can you fill a Magnum?" "Let tonight be explosive with Magnum XL!" I could just go on and on....Maybe I should write ad copy! Anyway, a toast to one smart thing the DC schools has done (anyone have a magnum of champagne?) Let's just hope the abstinence harpies don't ruin it!