HOT Yoga

As some of my regular readers (bless your insane little hearts!) know, I've been practicing yoga for several years now (you'd think with all this practice, I'd be decent by now!) My yoga teacher (she of the impossibly tight, round butt and not an extra ounce of body fat on her 40 something year-old frame) likes to lead her classes outdoors in her yard when the weather is warm. Now, I'm all for this in the fall and spring, as the birds and butterflies provide a lovely distraction from my own pain, and frankly, I'd much rather watch Mother Nature than my own flabby self in the wall mirror. HOWEVER, most of the country has probably noticed a nasty HEAT WAVE recently, which we also have here. The temperatures had already climbed into the 80s by early morning with high humidity, so when I approached my yoga class, I thought to myself, "There's no way she's going to make us do this class outside today." How wrong I was!

Now I know that some people pay big bucks for bikram yoga, which is a form of insanity where they heat the room to 105 degrees and force you to do 90 minutes of impossible yoga asanas in the heat. This laugh riot was dreamed up by Bikram Choudhury, who claims that "...the heated studio facilitates deeper stretching and injury prevention, while reducing stress and tension." That is, if you don't die of heat exhaustion first. I, however, do NOT pay for bikram yoga. I want my yoga room temperature, thank you very much. I do not choose to pay extra for heat stroke.

Today's class, however, would have done Bikram Choudhury proud. The sun was burning, the air was stifling, and the humidity was sticky. I was dripping sweat before the warm-up was even finished. Not my yoga teacher! What a bitch inspiration she was! Her blond hair glistening in the sun, her tanned face and body radiating a warm glow, and not a drop of sweat on her svelte, toned body. It just made me want to stick a fork in her neck work even harder! Which, of course, she made us do! Balancing poses! My absolute worst and a total nightmare with the gnats buzzing in my ears and ants crawling up my legs. No, I was not experiencing drug induced hallucinations-there were really ants crawling on my legs! Yeesh!

I don't think my hour of yoga has ever gone so slowly. By the end, I had done Downward Panting Dog, Roasted Pigeon, Warrior with Heat Stroke, Cat On a Hot Tin Roof, and Lunge for the Water. If I didn't lose at least 5 pounds of water weight, I'll be really pissed off! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with an air conditioner, some ice cream, and a long shower! Namaste.

I'm melting, melting.