Why Is This Night Different?

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I got the phone call. My mother called me the other day to ask if we'd be able to come up for Passover Seder this year. For those of you "goys" or non-Jew readers, Passover is a Jewish holiday commemorating the Jews' escape from Egypt following their persecution at the hands of the Pharoah. Seder is the meal eaten at Passover. This is pretty much the gist of all Jewish holidays: 1. Jews are persecuted. 2. God helps us overcome our persecutors. 3. We eat.

Passover is a particularly groan inducing holiday. Prior to eating the Passover meal, one must participate in the Seder ceremony. This ceremony includes many blessings, readings, odd foods, hand washings, songs, rituals, and thankfully, glasses of wine. Now, being raised in the "Jewish Light" tradition, the Passover Seders of my childhood were typically no longer than 30 minutes and usually left out songs (no one knew them), more than one hand washing (except for my obsessive compulsive uncle), and many of the readings (snore...) As I was often reminded, "back in the day," Seders often lasted over 3 hours, were conducted entirely in Hebrew, and children had to sit through the entire ceremony before they could eat anything. I guess this was supposed to make me appreciate the shorter duration of the boredom and oddness of our Passover Seders.

I do remember fondly one year when I was about 11 or 12 and had a migraine. My mother gave me one of my prescription painkillers before Seder and then I had the requisite 4 small glasses of Manischewitz kosher wine with the Passover meal. After about the 2nd glass, I began giggling at what was not really a funny passage in the Passover Haggadah (the "script" you read that has the blessings, stories, etc.) My inappropriate behavior continued until somewhere in the middle of dinner, I fell out of my chair and lay on the floor in hysterics, at which point my mother stated, "I think she's drunk." Ah, holiday memories...

Then there is always my uncle to contend with at our family holiday gatherings. I believe his lifelong goal is to demonstrate every symptom in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders, and he is succeeding quite well thus far. We never know whether he will arrive in a depressed state, a manic state, with obsessions/compulsions ablaze, with a disordered personality leading the way, or as some wild card. Or he may not show up at all because he is in jail. Again. I have one particular childhood memory of my uncle unexpectedly bringing a "friend" to a family holiday (Thanksgiving this time). This "friend" was a skinny, young, blond kid (I pray he was at least over 18) with stringy hair and dirty clothes who would not make eye contact with anyone. My uncle announced that they were going to the red light district of a nearby city after dinner, so he hoped we would eat early. Then he told my mother that his friend wasn't comfortable eating in front of other people (great choice to bring to a family holiday meal, Uncle Inappropriate!) So, while the rest of us ate turkey at the dining room table, "friend" took a plate and sat by himself in my brother's room. But, back to Passover...

Unfortunately for us, the Seder has grown longer as my parents have grown older. I attribute this phenomenon to 4 things: First, both my brother and I married non-Jews, so I think my parents feel the need to make sure some "Jewishness" remains in my life and in the lives of their grandkids. Second, as all old Jewish people must, they have moved from their house to a condo in an "over 65" community, which is comprised of many other old Jewish people. This, by unwritten Jewish law, must be done if one does not move to Florida. Thus, they have become more involved in Jewish "stuff." Third, I think they are trying to hedge their bets with God as they get older. And fourth, there is always "the Guest."

"The Guest" is a non Jewish friend invited by one of my parents, usually my father, who makes the fatal mistake of expressing some tiny modicum of interest in the Jewish culture. This person then gets issued an invitation to Seder so that my father can educate him or her about the Passover Seder, its meaning, and its rituals. This can make the Seder drag on and on and on. Much ado is made of the fact that "The Guest" has never been to a Seder, and meaningful glances are cast in the Guest's direction during the service to make sure he or she is appreciating the significance of this occasion. Several times during the Seder, my father likes to add little tidbits of information to enlighten "The Guest," many of which are factually inaccurate, such as "We often fry matzoh (the unleavened bread eaten during Passover) in oil to commemorate the Miracle of the oil in the Temple," (no, that's Hanukkah.) "The Guest's" job is to nod solemnly and act impressed.
 
Last year my daughter and I suffered through Passover Seder at my parents' house. My husband wrangled his way out of it by working or something and still owes me big for not having to attend. We initially amused ourselves by kicking each other under the table and then surreptitiously trying to tap each other without the other one noticing. These amusements only entertained us for a minimal time. We spent the rest of an agonizing evening listening to my parents' friends complain about various aches and ailments, rail about the faults of the Obama administration, and brag about their son (recently divorced and also present at Seder.) My daughter and I dubbed this son "The Mumbler" due to his exasperating yet entertaining habit and beginning a sentence, only to have it trail off into incomprehensible mumbling by the tail end of it. We couldn't comprehend a single thing he said all evening! He could have been the most brilliant man on earth or he could have been confessing to a string of murders; we couldn't tell the difference!

So it looks as if come April 19 I will be subjected to the funfest of Passover with the parents once again. Because I have to drive over an hour in heavy traffic to reach their home, I won't even be able to get myself snockered on the wine and let the evening pass by in a Manischewitz soaked blur. Why go, you ask? If there's one thing we Jews understand better than persecution, it's GUILT! I couldn't live with myself the rest of the year knowing that they were disappointed in me. I just hope they don't read this!

Dan Snyder: Oy Vey!!!

If you live in or around the D.C. area or follow the politics of football, you may be familiar with the latest stunt of Dan Snyder, owner of the Washington Redskins. He is suing the Washington City Paper for an article that ran several months ago (The Cranky Redskins Fan's Guide to Dan Snyder From A to Z [for Zorn], an encyclopedia of the owner's many failings) which listed numerous mistakes and unethical behaviors Snyder has committed over the years. Mr. Snyder claims that the article contains "lies and half-truths," constitutes defamation of character, and that the cover illustration, which contains a doodle of him with devil horns, is anti-Semitic. Now, typically I don't give a fig about football, sports teams, or the goings-on thereabouts. However, being born and raised in the D.C. area and being Jewish, I feel I must say this: Dan, you're a complete disappointment and an embarrassment to my people!!!

Is it not enough that you have taken a beloved sports team and run them into the ground? Not even the return of our iconic Coach Gibbs could reanimate the team while you were in charge. Let's not forget that you moved the Washington Redskins out of Washington and into Maryland. Their practice facilities are even in Virginia. Despite the pitiful performance of the team, you continue to raise ticket prices to the point where longtime season ticket holders can't afford to keep their tickets and then sue them when they can't pay! Is that any way to treat loyal fans?!! Dan, I'm very disappointed in you.

Now about this article. I understand that it was not very nice. It may have even contained some hyperbole or misleading statements (I know you didn't really use Agent Orange to get rid of the federally protected trees blocking your view of the Potomac River. You just had them cut down after having a little chat with a Park Service official who okayed it for you). But here's what you don't seem to understand. Public figures are fair game. You are a public figure. You are a public figure because you own the Washington Redskins and because you are rich. People are going to write things about you. Look, I'm writing about you now. If you are smart, you behave in a way that will cause people to want to write positive things about you. If you are a whiny crybaby, people will want to write negative things about you. Suing the Washington City Paper falls into the whiny crybaby category. 

Furthermore, claiming that "...the cost of litigation would presumably quickly outstrip the asset value of the Washington City Paper," is a threatening remark that pegs you as a bully in addition to being a whiny crybaby. This is not a flattering portrait, Dan. Didn't your mother ever teach you that the best way to respond to teasing is by ignoring it? You not only didn't ignore it, you ran crying to the teacher and then threatened to have the whole school shut down!

Lastly, there's the claim of anti-Semitism. The City Paper article featured a photo of Snyder with devil horns and a goatee drawn on. Snyder claimed this was a historically anti-Semitic representation of Jewish people. When I read this, I did a spit-take on my morning coffee! So, now Dan Snyder is the Ethnic Avenger! When did you suddenly develop your cultural sensitivity, Dan? Was it before or after you defended owning a football team with an ethnic slur for a name that is demeaning and insulting to Native Americans? Do you no longer find the name "Redskins" an honor and a tribute or do you now find it ironic given the claims made in your litigation? How do you feel about the name "Fighting Kikes?"

Dan, I don't usually kibitz, but take my advice and stop this nonsense. Stop worrying about what the papers say about you and focus on your work. More importantly, focus on your wife and your kids. Spend some time with your family. Eat some good food. Have a glass or two of wine. Read a good book instead of scouring the papers for journalists to sue. And if you still feel like whining to someone, instead of hiring a lawyer, use your gobs of money and hire yourself a good shrink!

Happy Holidays (Sorry, Didn't Mean to Offend You!)

Would you be offended if someone were to wish you a happy holiday? Apparently the good folks at the Liberty Counsel would be. They want to hear "Merry Christmas" at this time of year, and nothing else will do. In fact, they find reference to anything other than Christmas so abhorrent that for the past 8 years they have carried on a "Friend or Foe Christmas Campaign" in which they publish a list of "Naughty" or "Nice" retailers based on whether or not the Counsel finds the store "Christmas friendly." Their concern is that Christmas is no longer being properly acknowledged in America.

Mathew D. Staver, Founder and Chairman of Liberty Counsel and Dean of Liberty University School of Law, stated, "...Retailers that profit from Christmas while pretending it does not exist will find that consumers will shop elsewhere.” Now, I don't know about you, but from where I stand, the Liberty Counsel need not worry about Christmas ceasing to exist or losing its stronghold over retailers during the time between approximately early November and January 1. While I may spy a few Hanukkah or Kwanzaa cards or decorations in some corner of a store or two, the overwhelming majority of retailers are inundated with red and green decorations, Christmas greetings, Santas, costumed salespeople, and Christmas music. The word "Christmas" is not difficult to find anywhere. It's precisely the opposite; if you're looking for a holiday card or gift without Christmas connotations, good luck!

The Liberty Counsel doesn't approve of the idea of generic winter themed school parties either. They want the traditional Christmas party restored to our children's schools, replete with Christmas cookies, Christmas carols, and Christmas trees. They don't really specify whether or not children of other faiths should have their traditions included in the party as well or just pretend to be Christian for the day and fit in dammit!

I will be the first to admit that I'm hardly objective about this issue. Growing up Jewish in a predominantly Christian environment, I sometimes felt left out, isolated, and overlooked. I appreciate when someone says, "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" to me because I never personally celebrated Christmas, although I do now with my family. I don't assume everyone I meet celebrates my holiday, so why should they assume I celebrate theirs? Although I enjoy seeing the Christmas decorations in stores, I feel a certain sadness when I can't find even one thing for Hanukkah. From where I stand, every retailer is "Christmas friendly."

So, here's what I have to say to Mathew D. Staver and the Liberty Counsel: You think you have it hard? Feh! You should see what I have to go through in the stores! I could plotz from the frustration! I should have it so hard as you. Oy vay. Quit your kvetching, get off your tuchis, and go shopping already or you'll miss all the good sales! Oy vay iz mir!

Are You Jewish?

Are you Jewish? I don't care! Why is someone's religion or the church he or she attends (or doesn't attend) such a BFD to some people?!! If you're a decent, kind, interesting person, then I'm happy to know you.  If you're a schmuck, get lost. Very simple.  Just because I'm Jewish doesn't mean I'm going to like you if you're Jewish, and I hope that you won't dismiss me because you're Christian or Muslim or Zoroastrian.  Alas, I am so often disappointed.

"The Look" maybe I'm a Vampire?

So much of the social machinery runs on church affiliations.  If I had a dollar for every time someone asked upon meeting me what church I go to, I'd have enough money to treat myself to a nice massage, maybe even 60 minutes with some hot stones! Then, when I say that I don't go to church, I get "the look." It's bad enough that I don't attend their church, but to eschew church altogether? What could this mean? I must be a blasphemous sinner, a demon, or (whisper) a Jew.

When I lived in South Carolina, a woman I worked with actually asked me if "you Jews celebrate Thanksgiving?"  Then they kept inviting me to their Wednesday evening Baptist services, telling me that "some Jews do believe in Jesus."  Did they ever just invite me over for coffee? Nope.

Then there's the opposite phenomenon, which is just as annoying.  It's the "we love you because we think you're one of us" maneuver.  I experienced this one the other day.  I was introduced to a woman at a volunteer event.  She was pleasant but not overly friendly.  Then during the course of the morning, I happened to mention that I did not want to work on Yom Kippur, a Jewish holiday. Boing! My new acquaintance sprung to life as if someone had just given her a blood transfusion.  She fixed her gaze at me and excitedly asked if I was Jewish. I said I was but that I didn't attend services.  No matter; there was no stopping Jew Woman now!  She was my new instant best friend. She reached out her hand to high five me and began to happily chatter away about the Jewish congregation in the county, who I knew, who I was married to, whether I had kids, blah, blah, blah.  Suddenly I was the most intriguing person in the room!  What utter BS!

If you find your faith gives you comfort, that's great. I don't mean to disparage religion.  I just find that it's one facet of who a person is (perhaps).  There is so much more to know about people than their religious affiliations, and it really ticks me off that people use religion to band together like a pack of jackals and exclude those who don't "belong."  So join me, High Priestess Lolamouse in my Divine Temple of the Unaffiliated. Or don't; I don't care.