The Big O (No, Not That One!)

I'm just a vessel for God...

I was flipping TV channels last night for my evening's mind candy (don't judge!) and came upon OWN, the new Oprah Worship, I mean Winfrey, Network. Out of curiosity and the law of inertia, I remained on OWN and watched for a while. I have come to the conclusion that Oprah Winfrey is a bit scary.

Unless you live under a rock, and perhaps even if you do, you know that these days Oprah is EVERYWHERE. She has her own TV show, her own magazine, and now her own TV network. She's richer than God and probably more famous. Her visage is pasted all over billboards, television, internet, magazines, and newspapers, and she's one of the most recognizable people anywhere. Her rags to riches story is a tale of self-empowerment, and there are many worse celebrities who could be held up as role models than Oprah. At some point, however, Oprah seems to have slipped down that slippery slope from self-esteem to self-aggrandizement. She sees herself on a "mission" to save the rest of us from our pathetic non-Oprah'd selves. And whenever someone speaks of having a "mission," I start to get worried.

It's not enough for Oprah to be a TV personality, a movie star, a magazine magnate, a famous celebrity, and a gazillionaire. She sees herself as a "vessel" for God. Oprah isn't doing all of these things for herself; she is doing the Lord's work. And from her recent ubiquity, Oprah could possibly challenge God for omnipresence! The Church of Oprah is spreading across the land, and her followers are tuning in to hear her speak the gospel. Just listen to Oprah and you too can be all you were meant to be. Oprah will tell you what books to read with her book club, what magazines to read ("O," her magazine, obviously), and what shows to watch (you have an entire network from which to choose now). Oprah acolytes will tell you how to manage your money, your relationships, and your health. Just follow, and let your inner Oprah emerge in pseudo-religious, wishy-washy spirituality!

I have visions of an Oprah tinted future. It has begun with "programming that reflects her world view, her vision for the future, and her very sense of purpose, not just in the media universe, but in the grander scheme of life."  Her divine Oprahness will spread beyond multimedia and reach farther and wider. Soon, there may be Oprah Reeducation Bureaus (ORBs), Oprah Holidays (OHs), Oprah Winfrey's Own for Women (OWOW), a clothing line, Oprah Winfrey Land (OWL) Theme Park,  and, of course, the Oprah Worship Network (OWN), which will begin with the TV station but will expand to include meeting places and internet sites for followers of Oprah to study her teachings and eventually become certified Oprah masters (OMs). Conversely, those who don't hop on the bandwagon, Oprah Doubters and Deniers (ODDs) and Oprah Unbelievers and Taitors (OUTs), will soon find themselves outcasts from society.

Before we find ourselves with a close-up of Oprah's face on our next $100 bill, I suggest we think about whether any one person should be so influential. Sure, I give the woman props for the good works that she's done. And her personal story is inspirational. But it should inspire us to find our own personal bliss in our own time, not because Oprah says we should. If Oprah's book club got you into a book store or library for the first time in years, great! Now, after you've finished one of her picks, find some books that inspire you that aren't on her list. In a true spiritual paradox, to achieve genuine Oprahness is to do whatever the hell you want to do and not give a damn what Oprah says.

Are You Jewish?

Are you Jewish? I don't care! Why is someone's religion or the church he or she attends (or doesn't attend) such a BFD to some people?!! If you're a decent, kind, interesting person, then I'm happy to know you.  If you're a schmuck, get lost. Very simple.  Just because I'm Jewish doesn't mean I'm going to like you if you're Jewish, and I hope that you won't dismiss me because you're Christian or Muslim or Zoroastrian.  Alas, I am so often disappointed.

"The Look" maybe I'm a Vampire?

So much of the social machinery runs on church affiliations.  If I had a dollar for every time someone asked upon meeting me what church I go to, I'd have enough money to treat myself to a nice massage, maybe even 60 minutes with some hot stones! Then, when I say that I don't go to church, I get "the look." It's bad enough that I don't attend their church, but to eschew church altogether? What could this mean? I must be a blasphemous sinner, a demon, or (whisper) a Jew.

When I lived in South Carolina, a woman I worked with actually asked me if "you Jews celebrate Thanksgiving?"  Then they kept inviting me to their Wednesday evening Baptist services, telling me that "some Jews do believe in Jesus."  Did they ever just invite me over for coffee? Nope.

Then there's the opposite phenomenon, which is just as annoying.  It's the "we love you because we think you're one of us" maneuver.  I experienced this one the other day.  I was introduced to a woman at a volunteer event.  She was pleasant but not overly friendly.  Then during the course of the morning, I happened to mention that I did not want to work on Yom Kippur, a Jewish holiday. Boing! My new acquaintance sprung to life as if someone had just given her a blood transfusion.  She fixed her gaze at me and excitedly asked if I was Jewish. I said I was but that I didn't attend services.  No matter; there was no stopping Jew Woman now!  She was my new instant best friend. She reached out her hand to high five me and began to happily chatter away about the Jewish congregation in the county, who I knew, who I was married to, whether I had kids, blah, blah, blah.  Suddenly I was the most intriguing person in the room!  What utter BS!

If you find your faith gives you comfort, that's great. I don't mean to disparage religion.  I just find that it's one facet of who a person is (perhaps).  There is so much more to know about people than their religious affiliations, and it really ticks me off that people use religion to band together like a pack of jackals and exclude those who don't "belong."  So join me, High Priestess Lolamouse in my Divine Temple of the Unaffiliated. Or don't; I don't care.