New Year Wishes

Orgasm In a Jar

No, this post is not about the private goings-on in my bedroom, so sorry to disappoint you! I can't even begin to fathom what you thought a "jar" had to do with my sex life, you sickos! No, this post is about food, which, like sex, is one of my favorite things when done well!

For several years while completing my graduate degree, I lived in South Carolina. Aside from the heat, which made you feel like you were living in Satan's armpit, the abject poverty, the ignorance and bigotry ("Do you Jews celebrate Thanksgiving?"), and the backassward school system (morning prayer over the PA system and a big paddle in the principal's office called the "Helping Hand,") it was a lovely place to live. I did grow quite fond of the food, too fond, as a matter of fact. If I had stayed in SC, I'd probably weigh over 200 pounds by now, in addition to having lost several of my teeth and having "big hair" (shudder). Ah, but the food...You can take the girl from the pulled pork, but you can't take the pulled pork from the girl! Or the mac and cheese, or the sweet tea, or the corn bread, or the banana pudding...pardon me, I'm drooling.

Anyway, this brings me to last night's dinner at Clyde's Tower Oaks in Rockville, MD. Clyde's has always been a favorite restaurant for our family, but it has now been elevated to mythical status in my heart and mind due to one appetizer that I have dubbed "Orgasm In a Jar." This beautiful concoction of ingredients perfectly melds several of my all-time favorite Southern foods into one compact package. There is nothing the least bit nutritious about this dish. It probably contains enough salt and fat to kill an ox, but I worship the person who said, "Fuck it! I'm going to make on ode to Southern gluttony and calories be damned!" It's a good thing I don't live closer to this restaurant because I would eat one of these every day. Behold its glory.

This sinful beauty is comprised of fried onions, cole slaw, pulled pork, corn bread, and macaroni and cheese, all packed into a mason jar. Put some hot fudge and whipped cream on top of that baby and I'd never have to eat anything else in my life (except maybe bacon and french fries!)

To those of you out there who are thinking, "OMG, how could she possibly eat all of that?" I have your answer. Easily.

Based Upon a True Story (part 2)

(the 2nd and final installment of the greatest story known to man, woman, and perfect princess-for part 1, see previous post)
co-written by my beautiful, one-of-a-kind, frabjous, goddess-like daughter Allison (Temari)

At last the Christmas feast had arrived. The dining hall was adorned festively with pine boughs and holly wrapped in red and green ribbon. Everything was perfect. The family had just begun to take their seats when Princess Temari ran in to announce the arrival of their newest guests. "The trolls are here...again," she stated flatly. As if on cue, the trolls burst into the room, happily oblivious to the others' discomfort. "Oh it's so...good to see you again," Princess Lolamouse chirped. "Do join us." "I hope you didn't come for the gingerbread, I doubt there's any left," SteeDee muttered. The trolls wobbled over to the table and plopped down in the empty seats across from Princess Temari, much to her chagrin.

"Have I told you about the new boards I put on the bridge?" asked Papa Troll. "Yes," groaned Princess Temari, for the third time that evening. "Well they really are spectacular. They're made of a new composite material. You should come by and see it some time." The next remark was directed at Prince Luke Warm, M.D. "What are your castle floors made of? I could replace them if you want." "Yeah," Prince Luke Warm, M.D. said, clearly not listening. "Speaking of flooring, did I tell you I'm having my fangs sharpened? That's why I can't eat anything," babbled Gramma Troll. "And last week I had my hump enlarged, and before that..." "Tomorrow I'll be replacing the ropes on the bridge. I could use what's left to replace the ones on your drawbridge," interrupted Papa Troll.  "Did Luke Warm ever tell you all about the time he saved the king's life?" bragged SteeDee. "He's sooo smart." The princesses couldn't help but notice Deven looking utterly dejected.

"How about dessert?" asked Princess Lolamouse, hoping to change the tone of the evening. "That sounds great! I wish I could eat it!" clucked Gramma Troll. "Is there even any dessert left?" SteeDee grumped. "Deven's been eating nonstop!" Princess Temari entered the dining hall bearing trays of exquisitely prepared delicacies. "It looks so good!" Gramma Troll exclaimed. "I really wish I could eat it!" "Well, why did you schedule your fang sharpening for this week? That wasn't too bright," Papa Troll teased. With that, the trolls began bickering loudly over everything. Prince Deven reached for some gingerbread but was stopped by SteeDee. "Are you going to eat more cookies?!!" "Yes, hers are better than yours anyway! Eating cookies makes me happy! What's your problem with that?!!" Deven yelled. SteeDee looked as if she had just sucked a large lemon. "I just want my sons to be happy. I won't come here anymore if you're just going to treat me this way!"

While the family feud raged, Prince Luke Warm, M.D. had slipped away unnoticed. Suddenly, he burst back in to the dining hall and exclaimed "Horrible news, folks! The astrologer just read on her Starpad that the castle is about to be attacked! We're all in terrible danger!" Though it seemed impossible, more chaos erupted. Desserts were left unfinished, chairs were flung aside as the Christmas feast guests rushed to make a fast escape. Within minutes, the guest were gone.

"Should I get the swords?" Princess Temari asked eagerly. Prince Luke Warm, M.D. chuckled, "There's no need for weapons. I made the whole thing up! I thought it would get them out of here fast. Merry Christmas!"

Princess Lolamouse smiled brightly. "Can we invite my family for New Year's?"

Based Upon a True Story (part 1)

 Co-written by my fabulous, wonderful, and utterly flawless daughter Allison (Temari)

Once upon a time there were two princesses, both shining examples of consummate perfection. Unfortunately, the rest of their family was not, and this family was coming over to the castle for a Christmas feast. The princesses toiled away for days preparing for the family's arrival until all of the food, decorations, and entertainment were nearly as perfect as they were. Princess Lolamouse had only just finished an intricate plating design with the gingerbread when her husband, Prince Luke Warm, M.D., obliviously thrust his hand in the middle of it to snatch up a reindeer. "That was for company, dear," squeaked Princess Lolamouse. "Mmpfpmfpfm," he said around a mouth of crumbs.

Suddenly Princess Temari ran in, a look of urgency and disgust gracing her perfect features. "Sister, sister, " she cried. "Deven and SteeDee are here!" Princess Lolamouse groaned. Why her husband had insisted on inviting his brother and stepmother she would never understand, but being the supportive and perfect princess that she was, she accepted it graciously. Princess Temari opened the castle gate and warmly welcomed Deven and SteeDee. As she attempted to bestow a hug upon her step grandmother, she was promptly ignored as SteeDee flew past her to complain to her son the doctor. "This was such a miserable trip! That carriage was so bumpy! I'm not coming next year! I'm not getting any younger, you know! And that boy nearly got us lost 3 times-he couldn't steer a horse to save his dear mother's life!" Prince Deven, looking haggard, trudged into the castle rubbing his temples. "She didn't shut up the whole trip. I'm going to take a nap." And he disappeared into the castle dungeon for the rest of the afternoon.

SteeDee gave an exaggerated sigh. "I think he sleeps way too much!" The princesses exchanged a knowing glance, sensing that their perfect serenity was about to come to an abrupt end.

That evening the family gathered for a glorious repast made much less glorious by SteeDee's constant harping upon Prince Deven to find a more stable job. "What happens when the king tires of mimes? Then what will you do, hmm? I always insisted that my husband have a steady, reliable job, and I'll tell you, he made a fine tailor!" Prince Luke Warm, M.D., in a vain attempt to distract Deven from SteeDee's insults, said, "Deven, I'm having a horrible time getting the trees in my orchard to grow. Perhaps you could give me some advice out in the garden?" Prince Deven replied, "No need to go outside, bro. I already know what the problem is. You're trying to grow pear trees in soil that isn't right for them. What you need are apple trees! They'll grow like weeds!" SteeDee, never one to drop an issue, squawked "Well, if you know so much about apples, maybe you should sell them for a living!" "Yes," said Deven. "And after my first day of work, I could go home and throw myself in the moat." He then grabbed several pieces of gingerbread and returned to the dungeon. "Watch how many cookies you eat, Deven! You're getting fat!"

The next morning the princesses entered the dining hall to find SteeDee on another endless tirade. Prince Luke Warm, M.D. was nodding along to appear sympathetic. "...got no sleep at all! Deven and his lyre had me up all night! He was up way too late! That boy doesn't sleep enough!" The princesses made a prompt exit without comment.

Later, at lunch, the dysfunctional family sat around the table; only Deven was missing. "Is that boy sleeping again?" SteeDee whined. "I swear, all he does is sleep!" Just then, Deven ascended from the dungeon to grab more gingerbread. "I'm glad you like the gingerbread, Prince Deven," Princess Lolamouse exclaimed. "SteeDee told me it was your favorite." "Yes, they're really goo-" "Are you eating more cookies? Save some for other people!" SteeDee interrupted. Deven sighed and slumped back to the dungeon.
To Be Continued...