Take the Bait!

One of my favorite websites/blogs, Neatorama, has a "Name That Weird Invention" contest in which you, well, name a weird invention. I was inspired by the swim/fishing gear to the left and entered. Alas, I did not win, but my entry was mentioned by the artist, of which I am oh-so-proud! Three guesses which one is mine, and if it takes you more than one guess, you don't know me at all!

The artist, Steven Johnson, said, “I was blown away by the cleverness of many of the names. I also noticed that a well-conceived name made my art seem funnier!” So he wanted to recognize these entries as Honorable Mentions: The Flopcatch, Masterbaiters, Toe Tacklers, Self Contained Underwater Baiting Apparatus (SCUBA), Flipplures, Trollfins, FlipperDippers, SCUBait, Flip-o-bait, Flip Service, Kickbait, Flipping Hookers, Toe-Bait-O’s, and Stuck in pro-bait.

Here's the link for the Neatorama home site. Check it out!  http://www.neatorama.com/

Frito-Lame or It's Not Easy Being Green

The Frito-Lay Company has proven that when it comes to saving our planet, Americans are willing to be inconvenienced not one damn iota!!! In a stunningly progressive move back in April 2009, the company launched biodegradable bags for their Sunchips snack chips in response to consumer interest in more environmentally friendly products. The company hoped to gain more business and improve their image with consumers by being "green."  Alas, there was a fatal flaw in this plan; the bags were noisy!

Because the biodegradable bags were made from plant material and had a different composition than traditional chip bags, they made more noise when opened and touched. The fact that they were 100 percent compostable and more environmentally friendly than the traditional bags meant nothing to the hoards of Facebook fans who started a campaign to bring back the original, earth polluting but quieter bags. Apparently, given the number of consumer complaints received by Frito-Lay on their new bags, a little noise pollution is much more unacceptable than adding tons of man made, non-biodegradable waste to landfills. So, did the Frito-Lay Company stand strong in its conviction that companies must lead the way in saving the earth? Did it defend its biodegradable product as healthy for the environment despite its small inconveniences? Of course not! They pulled it from the shelves and went back to the original packaging.

Except for "Original Flavor" Sunchips, the bags are now all less noisy and less earth friendly. Keeping one flavor of the bags biodegradable seems like some half-assed attempt to achieve a compromise, but no one is fooled. Money again triumphs over integrity. Common sense takes a back seat to kvetching. Who needs quiet when eating crunchy snack chips!!! Where are these complainers eating? The library? In church? Who the hell cares if the bag is noisy? And if it bothers you so frickin' much, pour your damn chips into a bowl! Can't we as consumers put up with any kind of inconvenience, no matter how slight?

We don't want to take the time to save our paper, glass, and metal and take them to recycling centers; we don't want to reduce our energy consumption; we don't want to wash and reuse storage containers; we don't want to give up our plastic water bottles or our gas guzzling cars. But, hey, we care about our environment! Just let someone else do the work! And, please, do it quietly.

Yoga Thoughts

"...Breathe slowly in and out. Now close your eyes, clear your mind, and bring yourself here." So begins another yoga session. I can breathe; I can close my eyes, but my mind has other things on its mind! This morning, instead of going to a blissful state of nirvana, here is where my mind went instead:

I'm so tired. I could fall asleep right here.
Geez, my eyes are dry. They're going to feel like sandpaper when I open them.
What am I going to make for dinner tonight?
Oh! I know! How about that salmon dish with the noodles?
But I've got a ton of peppers in the fridge. I should do something with them.
Stop thinking about dinner. Clear your mind!
I need to go to the grocery store after this class.
I hate going to the grocery store in my yoga clothes, but I don't want to go home and back out again.
Why does my back crack so much when we do that twisty move? Maybe I need a chiropractor.
God! My feet are dry! I wish I could splurge on a pedicure!
Okay, feeling relaxed. Nice stretch there. I like leg stretches. I can do those.
Hey! That other chick is stretching farther! Shit! Now I'm pissed.
Don't compare yourself to other people. And she's fatter than you anyway.
But these yoga pants really don't do much for the old muffin top.
Ooh, muffins....
You're thinking again! Clear your mind, girl!
We look SO stupid in this pose!
God, I hope my tampon's not leaking!
How does the instructor repeat this sequence of asanas by memory? She's like a yoga savant!
Hey, I think she missed a pose!
Nope. My mistake. She nailed the sequence (as always).
Why is it so freakin' hot in here? Is anyone else sweating or am I having a hot flash?
I wonder how often I'd have to work out to have a butt like my instructor's?
Who am I kidding?!!
I hope we finish on time.
Why does my mind wander like this? Stop it!

That's a useless pose. What am I supposed to get from that one?
Hey, we're almost done! I see the light!
Oh no! Balancing asanas!
My tree is falling....
I hate balancing poses. I have no coordination. I'm not a gymnast dammit!
We're done! Yay!
I love yoga. It's so relaxing.
 

Do These Panties Clash With My Cleats?

It's football season!!! The knee pads, shoulder pads, elbow pads, helmets, cleats, panties, bras, garters...No, J. Edgar Hoover hasn't arisen from the dead and joined the Redskins (although maybe that would help them!) It's the Lingerie Football League! What fresh hell is this? The Lingerie Football League (LFL) is an American women's tackle football league inaugurated in 2009. It is the brainchild of Mitch Mortaza and originated from a Superbowl halftime special called the Lingerie Bowl on pay-per-view. The 2010-2011 season will be broadcast on MTV-2.

Lingerie football is similar to American arena football except, of course, the players wear lingerie along with their protective football gear. There are 10 teams in the league, with names like the Chicago Bliss, Dallas Desire, and the San Diego Seduction. Talk about Fantasy Football! Although the women do play "real" football, and most have a background in athletics, "the first criteria to play here is looks. And then we find out if they're athletic. They have to be phenomenally beautiful and can play football," admits coach Keith C. Hac, of the Chicago Bliss. No uglies or fatties on these teams! And in a move that would make the creators of Title IX have a seizure, in March of this year, 2 Miami Caliente players were put on probation for appearing in magazine cover shots wearing too much! What did these women dare to cover themselves up with? Shoulder pads! It seems that when they're off the playing field, LFL players must appear in photos in team lingerie only, minus the football gear.

I must admit that Mortaza's sleazy idea of combining sexy women, skimpy outfits, and football is brilliant. What 2 things do most men love? Women and football! Lingerie football is like the bacon cheeseburger of television! And if there's a market for it, you know someone is gonna provide it. This is where I have an issue, though. Why do we always cater to the lowest common denominator? Just because there are people who will eat them, did KFC have to invent the Double Down? There are women's athletics at all levels that can't get funding or sponsors because women's sports just aren't as popular as men's. Do we have to strip to get money? No, wait, Brandi Chastain created controversy for throwing off her jersey after a soccer win and celebrating in her (modest) sports bra. I guess women have to take their clothes off seductively and for the amusement of men in order to get funding for their teams. There will always be a market for sleaze, and selling sleaze is easier and more profitable than trying to sell people culture, intellectual challenge, true talent, or real effort. But we need people willing to raise the bar because if we keep lowering it, we're all going to end up back in the primordial ooze.