Do These Panties Clash With My Cleats?

It's football season!!! The knee pads, shoulder pads, elbow pads, helmets, cleats, panties, bras, garters...No, J. Edgar Hoover hasn't arisen from the dead and joined the Redskins (although maybe that would help them!) It's the Lingerie Football League! What fresh hell is this? The Lingerie Football League (LFL) is an American women's tackle football league inaugurated in 2009. It is the brainchild of Mitch Mortaza and originated from a Superbowl halftime special called the Lingerie Bowl on pay-per-view. The 2010-2011 season will be broadcast on MTV-2.

Lingerie football is similar to American arena football except, of course, the players wear lingerie along with their protective football gear. There are 10 teams in the league, with names like the Chicago Bliss, Dallas Desire, and the San Diego Seduction. Talk about Fantasy Football! Although the women do play "real" football, and most have a background in athletics, "the first criteria to play here is looks. And then we find out if they're athletic. They have to be phenomenally beautiful and can play football," admits coach Keith C. Hac, of the Chicago Bliss. No uglies or fatties on these teams! And in a move that would make the creators of Title IX have a seizure, in March of this year, 2 Miami Caliente players were put on probation for appearing in magazine cover shots wearing too much! What did these women dare to cover themselves up with? Shoulder pads! It seems that when they're off the playing field, LFL players must appear in photos in team lingerie only, minus the football gear.

I must admit that Mortaza's sleazy idea of combining sexy women, skimpy outfits, and football is brilliant. What 2 things do most men love? Women and football! Lingerie football is like the bacon cheeseburger of television! And if there's a market for it, you know someone is gonna provide it. This is where I have an issue, though. Why do we always cater to the lowest common denominator? Just because there are people who will eat them, did KFC have to invent the Double Down? There are women's athletics at all levels that can't get funding or sponsors because women's sports just aren't as popular as men's. Do we have to strip to get money? No, wait, Brandi Chastain created controversy for throwing off her jersey after a soccer win and celebrating in her (modest) sports bra. I guess women have to take their clothes off seductively and for the amusement of men in order to get funding for their teams. There will always be a market for sleaze, and selling sleaze is easier and more profitable than trying to sell people culture, intellectual challenge, true talent, or real effort. But we need people willing to raise the bar because if we keep lowering it, we're all going to end up back in the primordial ooze.