No, Just No

Imagine you are a third grade teacher. Little Britney raises her hand in the middle of math class for the second time that day. "Yes, Britney, what is it?" you ask, a little peeved. "Can I go to the bathroom?" "Again?" "I really have to!" she whines. "Okay, you may go as soon as Amber gets back." You try to regain focus on the math lesson. Not 5 minutes go by when another girl wants to be excused to the bathroom, and you notice that Britney has not yet returned. WHAT IS GOING ON? You have another teacher briefly watch your class while you march down to the girls' bathroom to discover...a bunch of  8 year-olds fixing their make-up!!! 

photo from tywkiwdbi

The marketing geniuses at Pacific World Brand have partnered with Walmart, the arbiter of all things tasteful, to produce Geo Girl, a line of cosmetics specifically formulated for tween girls. This is not the Bonne Bell Strawberry Lip Smackers that some of us remember from our early teens, but mascara, eye shadow, blush, and anti-aging products with "anti-oxidant exfoliants" because you're never too young to start looking younger! The products have "texting" names to emphasize the fact that these cosmetics are for the younger generation and not for us old fogies. Can you figure out what the names of these products are?
            
1. SPF 15 Lip Balm—J4G                     
2. Cleanser—T2G                  
3. Mineral Blush—QTPi 
4. Liquid2Powder Shadow—iCU 
5. Body Mist—TiSC    
6. Feather Lash Mascara—FYEO    
7. Lipshine—GR8
8. FaceShimmer—URA*                                                                   

In case you don't spend your time texting you BFFs, here are the answers:
1. Just 4 Grins
2. Time To Go
3. Cutie Pie
4. I See You
5. This is So Cool
6. For Your Eyes Only
7. Great
8. You Are A Star

Wait! you say. Most 8 to 11 year-olds don't wear make-up. But just think of all the money that a savvy cosmetics company could make if they did! Here's how Joel Carden, executive vice president for marketing and sales for Pacific World  explained the strategy behind Geo Girl:  "These are real cosmetics with natural ingredients that will create return purchases and create a true beauty consumer.'' See? You don't have to worry! They have natural ingredients! They are also eco-friendly because the marketing research suggested that tweens were aware of environmental issues and found them to be important. So your little girl can be an environmentally conscious skank!

I think Pacific World needs to take their marketing one step farther. What about the toddler demographic? How about Geo Baby? Not only would the cosmetics be made with natural ingredients but they would be safe to eat! It would be perfect for the Toddlers in Tiaras set. When they got hungry waiting for their turn at a pageant, they could just snack on their make-up! I can envision it- lipsticks in the shape of pacifiers, foundation that tastes like pudding...I'm going to go puke now. Excuse me.

My Underwear Is Broadcasting Messages!

"How would you like it if, for instance, one day you realized your underwear was reporting on your whereabouts?" —California State Senator Debra Bowen, at a 2003 hearing<sup>[85]

You better watch your back(side) if you shop at Walmart because that's not just the paranoid ramblings of someone who needs her Risperdol dose upped. The RFIDs are here, there, and everywhere, and they may just be in your Fruit of the Looms.

For those who are less tech-savvy than myself (is anyone less tech savvy than myself? Maybe the Amish?), RFID (pronouned ARE-FID) is Radio Frequency Identification. RFIDs are little transmitter thingies that can be programmed to transmit information about whatever object they are attached to. They are used now in Easy Pass Smart Lanes where the RFID on your transponder sends a signal to the reader in the toll lane, and your toll is automatically deducted from your account. Some libraries use them instead of barcodes to keep track of who checks out books and which books are in their inventories. Stores have begun using RFIDs to keep track of inventory also. By having an RFID on each item as it leaves the distribution center, that item can be tracked to a store, to a shelf, to a customer. The store knows when more items need to be ordered. Eventually, lines in grocery stores may become passe as a scanner "reads" the RFIDs on each item in your grocery cart as you walk out the door and automatically deducts the money from your bank account.

Walmart is a big proponent of RFID technology. They claim it will save money by helping them keep track of inventory and decrease theft. As Walmart goes, so go most other big retailers.

Many identity documents, such as passports, credit cards, loyalty cards, etc. already have RFID technology embedded in them. Soon, many of our purchases will also. All of this is convenient, efficient, and smart, but consider: Do you really want a record of where you go, what you buy, what you read available not just to the people and/or companies who are "supposed" to have the information (what happened to privacy anyway?) but to anyone who is smart enough to figure out how to hack into the system? And if they can hack into the system to get your information, what about hacking into RFID systems to change information? "No, really, honey, I didn't check out the complete Marquis de Sade and buy a leather whip and handcuffs! That must be someone else's info!"

I've heard that RFIDs can be disabled by putting them in the microwave for a couple of seconds. Maybe after I remove all the labels on any new undies, I'll nuke them for a second or two just to be sure. I'll have nice, warm undies and they won't be able to rat me out!</sup>