Did I Ask You If You Wanted To Sit Down?!!

I never used to have the barely controllable urge to curse at children. Now, I find myself wanting to shriek like a banshee, hurling expletives at 7 year-olds. What has happened? Have I changed or have children become more irritating?

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Let me illustrate with a true example: the other day while volunteering at the Nature Center, I escorted a group of first graders into our exhibit room for a brief introductory lesson. I gathered them together and nicely instructed them to have a seat where they could view the pictures I had put up on the board. One little demon continued standing. I again instructed him to please take a seat, at which point this Devil's spawn stated, "I don't want to sit down," and remained standing. My immediate urge, which I had to suppress, was to grab this mini schmuck in sneakers by his collar, get up in his grill, and yell, "Sit your ass down, you little shithead!" Let me reiterate, I did not do this. I did, however, firmly and non-too-nicely say, "I said, 'sit down,'" at which point, he finally did.

This incident left me wondering whether kids' behavior has become more oppositional and defiant or whether I have just lost my patience in dealing with it. Or both. And I'm not talking about kids who have emotional issues that affect their behavior, are truly ADHD, are autistic, etc. These kids I can still deal with just fine. I'm talking about your run of the mill brats. They seem to be getting brattier. And to have more of a sense of entitlement. These are the kids that seem to think that rules don't apply to them, that they are somehow special.

Perhaps we should look at the parents for a clue to why these children are so out of control. I have the opportunity to interact with parent chaperones during field trips to the Nature Center, and often, the parents behave worse than the children! Talking on cell phones during instruction, interrupting teaching with their private conversations, disappearing for smoke breaks, blatantly ignoring instructions not to disturb wildlife, eating on the trails-these are just some of the behaviors in  which I commonly see parents engage when they are supposed to be assisting the children with their assigned tasks. That's in addition to showing up for a day of hiking at a Nature Center dressed in designer leather boots, mini skirts, high heels, expensive sweaters, and all other manner of inappropriate clothing.

Then there are the parents (typically the dads) who fancy themselves "nature boys." They seem to think that the field trip is for them and forget that they have kids to chaperone. I often find these dads wandering around the exhibit room, chatting with the Nature Center staff, or asking me dozens of questions unrelated to the field-trip. While I appreciate the interest these guys take in the natural environment, I find that I frequently have to redirect them to the task at hand. "It looks like your group may be wandering into that patch of poison ivy over there instead of looking for woodpecker holes in trees. You may want to try to bring them back to the group." (Translation: Wake up, jackwagon!)

I find that I am often tempted to take two of these parents' heads and bash them together. My theory is that the hollow sound it might make may be akin to the sound of the redbellied woodpecker pecking holes in the rotting trees to search for insects. I could have the children listen as I smashed their oblivious parents' empty heads together and compared the sound to a woodpecker. Violent impulses relieved and teachable moment. Now, that's a good field trip!

Your Nature Center Field Trip

Tips for Parent Chaperones on Nature Center Field Trips

1. Dress appropriately.  You were informed that you would be doing a moderate amount of walking on trails through a swamp, a meadow, and a forest.  In some cases, you may be catching frogs and fish in a pond.  Skirts, hose, and high heeled shoes or boots are generally not considered hiking attire.  If you choose to wear these items, please refrain from complaining when mud gets on your Jimmy Choos or you get algae on your silk blouse.

2. You have a child in the class that is attending this field trip.  You are on this field trip to chaperone this child and possibly other children as well.  You are not on this field trip to network or socialize with the other parents, have a conference with your child's teacher, or show off your knowledge of natural phenomena to the staff.  Please be aware that if you do choose to show off your superior knowledge to the staff of the Nature Center, you will immediately be recruited to become a volunteer at the site.

3. We assume that you have successfully completed the grade level that is attending this field trip.  You are not required to complete any classwork during the field trip.  However, the students are required to complete classwork.  While it may enhance your self-esteem to demonstrate how quickly and proficiently you can answer questions and complete the work assigned on this field trip, it is not meant for you.  Please allow the students to complete the work. You will receive no extra credit for doing the students' work on this field trip.

4. Your child is one of many children on this field trip. We understand that your child is special.  However, it creates a problem when you allow your child to buy souvenirs, eat candy, and/or leave the group when other children are not allowed to do so.  Yes, we understand that your child is special. Don't do these things anyway.

5. When you volunteer to chaperone a field trip, it is assumed that you will be both physically and mentally present during the field trip.  If you are standing by your car smoking, hanging out in the ladies' room gossiping with another parent, or buying souvenirs in the gift shop, you are then not supervising your child and the other children in your group.  This creates unsupervised children. Unsupervised children disrupt activities, get hurt, and break things. This is bad. Likewise, if you are engaged in a business or personal call on your cell phone during the field trip, it is exceedingly difficult to supervise your child and/or group adequately.  Supervision of children often requires you to speak to them, explain directions and/or rules, and intervene when they show disruptive behavior.  It is often quite helpful to actually watch the children in order to know when they require these actions on your part.

6. This is a field trip for your child, not an adult education course for you.  The staff is here to educate your child. Please do not ask me esoteric questions to which I will not possibly know the answer and that have nothing to do with your child's field trip.  I can not name each of the birds you hear by their calls. I do not know every plant that grows here. I'm a frickin' volunteer. You want to pay me? I'll be glad to look up the answers for you!

7. Everything your child does is not cute, funny, or a sign of his or her high IQ.  If your child is being a pain in the ass and you do nothing about it, I will. You may love your child unconditionally; I don't. I think your child is a brat.

I hope you enjoy your day at the Nature Center and that you let me enjoy mine as well.

Whinin' In The Rain!

Cover your sensitive ears, folks! The Southeastern Juvenile Whiners have returned and their shrill calls fill the autumnal air! You may remember the Southeastern Whiner (juvenile) from one of my earlier posts describing my volunteer work as a guide for first graders at a local nature center. However, unlike their distinctive summer call ("It's hoooot; I'm tiiiiiired"), the fall call of the juvenile Southeastern Whiners, or SEWers, includes some different sounds that, to the trained ear, are as welcome as the yearly invasion of stink bugs. Listen closely...do you hear them? No, not that clicking and beeping-that's the parent chaperones trying to get a cell phone signal in the woods (you guys just keep trying; it'll keep your fingers from getting numb in the fall chill!) "It's cooooold! I caaan't ziiiip my jaaacket!" That's them! Listen to how they form a chorus of SEWers once one starts to whine. The whines increase in volume and intensity until they reach a near fever pitch. It's astounding!

Today was an exceptionally active day for the SEWers, as it was both slightly chilly and rainy. Now I don't know about you, but when I was a child, I LOVED playing in the rain. I would beg my mother to let me go outside and splash in the puddles. If there was a summer downpour, I would put on my swimsuit and stay outside for as long as possible.  I even remember my mother giving my soap and shampoo to shower in the rain because I refused to come inside. Not so these first graders! As soon as we stepped outside onto the damp ground, it started. "It's weeet. It's raaaaaining!" We are not talking about a monsoon here. It was drizzling. No scary thunder. No lightning. Just light drizzle. Up went the protective hoodie hoods and umbrellas to shield our young SEWers from having contact with the nasty water, lest they become   damp. Most of the forest walk was spent with the most vocal whiners notching up the decibels of their distress calls ("I'm getting WEEEEET! My shoes are MUD-DY!!! Can we walk FAAAASTER?!!)  Perhaps the Juvenile Southeastern Whiner melts when exposed to water? I promise I will conduct further research on this issue when my next flock of SEWers arrives at the Nature Center on a rainy day. Maybe I can score a National Science Foundation grant! And donations to advance this important scientific research are always welcome!