Campbell's Soup Goes Halal: M'm, M'm, Good for the Jews?

Have you heard that the Canadian branch of Campbell's Soups has released a line of halal certified products, which means that they have been prepared according to Islamic dietary laws?  They carry the seal of the Islamic Society of North America (ISNA), which offers halal certification. This can only mean one thing: the Jews' attempts at world domination are failing, and in our time of weakness, the Jihadist Muslims are encroaching on what should be our territory!

Sure, we've got Hollywood locked up tight, and we still have a viable chunk of the medical and financial markets, but we're losing our population base! We need to have NUMBERS! More young people are leaving the fold by marrying shiksas or goys and weakening our stock (although it is improving our eyesight and silhouettes as a group.) We've had the kosher certification seal on numerous foods throughout the country for dozens of years (you might have seen it; it's that circle with a U in it). Everyone knows that if you eat food that has been blessed by a rabbi, you get indoctrinated into Judaism. So, with all the Hebrew National hotdogs being eaten, where are all the new Jews? Obviously, there's a fatal flaw in our plan. And now, the Muslims are trying to grab our market share in the groceries with their halal soups! What chutzpah! They'd better not try to Islamify my matzohball soup! The borscht, they can have.

We Jews need to get to work if we want to spread our Christ-killing propaganda throughout the world! The Muslims aren't waiting to spread the word. They've already got a school holiday in Massachusetts, folks! That was our plan! Give the kiddies a school holiday for Rosh Hashanah, Passover, etc., and they will come to love the Jewish religion. But only a handful of school districts honor our holidays. And they still make kids sing the same lame "Dreidel" song year after year at Christmas concerts. How is that helping our cause?

Pamela Geller,  executive director of Freedom Defense Initiative (FDI)/Stop Islamization of America and author of the book "The Obama Administration's War on America: The Post American Presidency" writes a  blog, atlas shrugs, which eloquently elucidates the imminent threat of Islamic sharia, or law, taking over the world. Bravo, Pam! Throw 'em off our trail! Get the attention of the borderline IQ masses off our backs and onto the burqas and head scarves of the terrorists! Goodness knows, we ordinary Jews need something to distract people from the black suits, hats, scarves, fringed tallits, overgrown beards and weird sideburns of the Hassidic Jews! Oy! Geller's exposé of Campbell's Islamic connection begat a Facebook group dedicated to boycotting Campbell's soup. Perfect! With thousands of hungry people denied their chicken noodle, they'll be all the more ready to convert to kosher brands like Goodman's, Manischewitz, or Streit's. Then they'll be putty in our hands! We Jews make a mean chicken soup-what's not to like?

We must stop the spread of halal certified foods from Campbell's into America! The Canadians have already slipped their evil poutine past our borders; who knows what could be next?!!  Americans should eat American food! Oh, and Chinese food too. Jews like good Chinese food. And to make sure your food is of the highest quality, made from the best ingredients, under the most sanitary conditions, look for the Kosher symbol.

What Would Jesus Burn?

You've just gotta love those charismatic churches, right? Makes me wanna throw up my hands and shout "Amen!" Actually, it just makes me want to throw up.

Terry Jones of the Dove World Outreach Center, a non-denominational church in Gainesville, Florida, announced that his church would be sponsoring a "Burn a Koran Day" on September 11th. According to the "International Burn a Koran Day" Facebook page, the event is meant to "bring to awareness to the dangers of Islam and that the Koran is leading people to hell."  September 11 was chosen, natch, because of the terrorist attacks on the U.S. on 9/11/2001. However, this year it also happens to correspond to the Islamic holiday of Eid, which marks the end of Ramadan, the holy month of fasting.  Thus, burning a Koran on this date is doubly offensive to Muslims.

It should also be noted that many Islamic leaders have called for a day of service instead of the usual parties this year on Eid in order to show respect for the tragedy of 9/11. Others have encouraged their congregations to make sure their festivities are on a day other than 9/11.  This move by the Muslim community seems respectful , thoughtful, and peaceful, why, something sort of like Jesus would do!

I wonder whether Dr. Jones of the Dove (aren't doves symbols of love and peace BTW?) World Outreach Center church asked himself, "What Would Jesus Do?" before preaching to his flock of inbred, borderline IQ lemmings? Did he then answer, "I know! Jesus would want us to burn the holy book of the Islamic faith thus igniting the hatred and resentment of thousands, if not millions, of Muslims both here and abroad!  Why, our actions might even put our troops in Afghanistan in more danger!" Indeed, the top U.S. and NATO commander in Afghanistan, Gen. David Petraeus, has warned that Islamic extremists would undoubtedly use images of a burning Koran to incite violence. Dr. Jones, in his defense, did say that he would "pray about it."  Sounds mighty Christian to me!

Of course, we shouldn't judge Terry Jones and the Dove World Outreach Center by their "Islam Is of the Devil" campaign alone. (T-shirts with this fun slogan are available on their website! C'mon Christmas and Hanukkah are coming soon!) This is also the church that launched the "No Homo Mayor" protest of August 2, 2010 in Gainesville, FL to protect its citizens against a gay mayor.  They proudly declare that homosexuality is "detestable, indecent, wicked, offensive, perverted, shameful, unnatural, degrading, impure, futile, foolish, godless, dishonorable, a lie." See? They don't just hate Muslims!

I really hope that come 9/11, Terry Jones has a change of heart.  Perhaps he'll decide to cancel the Koran burning in order to avoid causing harm to our troops overseas.  At least he can appear patriotic that way. I know he won't have a change of mind about the sheer ridiculousness of his ideas. One must first have a mind in order to change it.  If he decides to go ahead with his ill planned idea, perhaps Gen. Petraeus could order some sort of small scale air strike or land attack on the Dove World Outreach Center.  I might even volunteer for that mission!