How Big is Your Love?

You've gotta give it to the DC schools--when they say they want to prevent teen pregnancy, they mean it. Their latest prevention effort is a revamped condom distribution plan. The previous plan was a failure partly because the kids said they hated the brand of condoms that were distributed by the schools. Uncomfortable and "not cool." Now, I know some people say that if you're given something for free and it's something that you need, then you shouldn't complain about it. Do those people have teenagers? Do those people even know a teenager? Branding is everything. Being cool matters. Thus, the DC schools are now giving away Magnum XLs, the preferred brand of condom for the hip urban youth. And I'm not being sarcastic when I state that I think this is a GREAT IDEA!!! Sure, teens should wait to have sex. Sure, those who are sexually active should use whatever is available and not complain about it, but prevention is about working with what is, not what should be. If Magnum XLs are mentioned in rap lyrics, if they're more comfortable, if they're more cool, then use Magnum XLs! Anything to get teens to use condoms. It probably doesn't hurt that the label says XL either (think Magnum "Averages" would be as popular?) I can think of some great ad campaigns too: "I never go anywhere without my Magnum!" "Show her how big your love is with Magnum XL!" "Can you fill a Magnum?" "Let tonight be explosive with Magnum XL!" I could just go on and on....Maybe I should write ad copy! Anyway, a toast to one smart thing the DC schools has done (anyone have a magnum of champagne?) Let's just hope the abstinence harpies don't ruin it!

Not Fit for Print

Well, Dave and I both entered the Style Invitational for the Natalie Portmanteau contest. This is where you take a name and combine it with another name or an object and define the result. An example that I submitted that won NOTHING: Elton John Kennedy: the first gay, Catholic president. Unfortunately, neither Dave nor I were "losers" this week (that is, we didn't win), but being the obsessive compulsive that those of you who know me know that I am, I checked out the Style Conversational, which is the blog for the contest where each week's contest is discussed in more detail. Lola and behold! My "not fit for print" entry got e-ink (enk?) Eminemeril is mine, folks! Should I be proud or ashamed? Too hard to find on the web unless your as OCD as myself, so I copied it here for your prurient perusal.

Risque Business

Well, really, it's hard to beat the "eat a peach" allusion in this week's runner-up. But it was an opaque allusion, not a direct reference, and hence entirely printable.

Not printable, on the other hand:

Jenna Jameson Irish Whiskey: You Won’t Believe How Easy It Goes Down. (Phil Battey, Alexandria)

Eminemeril: "Bitch don't like my cooking?! BAM! Right in the f-in' face!" (The entrant specified "not for print," so I don't know if she wanted to take credit for this one. If it's you, feel free to identify yourselves

Done. I am id'd.

Palin Makes Teen Motherhood Bristol Clear

Want to make $30,000 for talking to people? Want to be on TV? Want to have premarital sex and be a teen mom like me? Of course not! It's BAD!!! Don't do it! Well, of course, I did, and I'm famous now and making TONS of money, but YOU shouldn't. I ditched my baby daddy like so much used tissue and now make a mint marketing my darling little mistake, but it's wrong for you. In fact, I so strongly believe that teen sex and motherhood are wrong that I have my own foundation (how cool is that?!!) to promote abstinence. People pay me to tell you not to do what I did! So, listen to the words I'm speaking from both sides of my mouth; I'm a role model (sort of). Now that we're clear on that issue, I'm going to go get a latte, buy a new outfit from my speaking engagement money, and hire a nanny.

It's WAR!!!

"You lookin' at me?"

The war is on! Sheri vs. the evil squirrel empire (Part...I lost count). Those rabid little psychopaths have been swinging maniacally from my seed feeder all winter and scattering sunflower seeds all over the ground to eat (and I WILL get photographic evidence of this, despite their uncanny ability to scamper away the minute I point a lens at them). They may have won the birdseed battle, but now the war is really ON! It's hummingbird season, and I just hung my feeder full of nectar. I am determined to look out of my kitchen window and gaze contentedly upon the graceful beauty of a hummingbird sipping from my feeder and NOT have my sight assaulted by a furry, fat rodent dangling clumsily off my hummingbird feeder, tipping it backward to drunkenly chug my carefully concocted sugar water and spill it all over the deck to attract armies of ants! This summer I may just allow Soni the attack poodle to chase them away. They'll be running for their mortal little lives! HA! This summer I WILL NOT coddle them by offering the squirrels their own dish of sugar water near the trees in the vain hope that they will leave my hummingbird feeder alone. They're a squirrel mafia! Give them a little; they demand more and more until they own you! No, I must take back my yard from these fluffy tailed delinquents! I'm ready; I'm mad; I will not fear the squirrels!!!

I'm a Loser! Again!

Guess what?! I "made ink" in the Washington Post's Style Invitational a second time! My first was with my lovely title for a Bob Staake book cover and this one is for a "googlenope," which is a set of words that get no hits when entered into Google. I won 4th place (again!) and another Loser t-shirt! Yay me! I'm a born LOSER! Mom will be so proud. Here's the link to this past Saturday's Invitational (scroll down to the entries for Week 865) so you can read all the entries that were more clever than mine! http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/05/14/AR2010051402491.html

Stankee Candles

I know I'm igniting controversy by making this statement, but here goes; I HATE YANKEE CANDLES! Not just Yankee Candles but all scented candles, potpourri, air fresheners, perfumes, and other chemically concocted fragrances. I prefer to have my air smell like air, not like a mad scientist's laboratory experiment in creating some artificial hybrid flower-fruit smell. If there's a bad odor in the air, here's a novel idea--open a window! Turn on a fan! Find the source of the odor and get rid of it! Don't light a candle or spray a room freshener to cover up the smell. It doesn't work! You end with the smell of rotting garbage with overtones of lilac perfume and undertones of vanilla spice. Ummm. The minute one of these sins against nature reaches my nostrils, the nasty chemical molecules rise up to my brain and proceed to set off a migraine. I try not to inhale, but one can only hold one's breath or mouth breath for so long. Then, those noxious vapors call forth an ice pick in my eyeball (if you have migraines, you undoubtedly know this feeling intimately). And people pay for this faux fragrance phenomena when there are REAL flowers, pine trees, herbs, and fruits to be had and savored. And what's with the crazy combination of smells that candle manufacturers insist upon inventing? Did Yankee Candle run out of smells for their new line of candles and decide to put every scent they manufactured in a bag, draw out names, and make whatever came out into a new scented candle? Let's see: mango/freesia/cookie dough! Perfect! How about chocolate linen? That one makes you hungry and sleepy! So, I'm sorry if I offended any fragrance fanatics out there, but in my opinion, Yankee Candles blow!

Kentucky Fried Stupid

Does anyone else think the current KFC promotion "Buckets for the Cure" is a tad...off? While I applaud corporate donations to worthy causes, this particular combination strikes me as miscalculated. I mean, I LOVE fried chicken, KFC in particular, even though I know it's terrible for me and my ever expanding waistline. I also donate to the Susan G. Komen foundation for breast cancer research. However, pink buckets of KFC are just wrong. Research has shown that a high fat diet increases the risk of breast cancer. Just what is the fat content of all that KFC oozing its delicious greasiness down the sides of that pink bucket and making a translucent blob on the bottom? Also, something about ordering up a big pink bucket for dinner that contains...BREASTS....well, it's just weird! Maybe McDonald's should consider donating to the American Heart Association every time a customer supersizes! I think I'll go have a salad.

MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU!

HAPPY 5/4!!! Get it? Thanks to the Book Club for today's witty post.
And thanks to all who've emailed me about my blithering idiocy. If you want to continue reading the rant (masochists!), you can find my scripto-therapy at http://lolamouse.blogspot.com You can leave comments on the various rants and/or join the "followers" group, of which I now boast "0" (yay me!)

Scrap the Strap

Summer is fast approaching, ladies. It's time we address an issue of utmost importance: visible bra straps. Soon tank tops, halters, sundresses, and spaghetti straps will be rampant and with them, a most unfortunate accessory, visible bra straps (VBS). Don't allow this warm weather plague to infect you, my friends. If your girls are no longer perky enough to permit you to go braless when wearing these summery items, then please, please, PLEASE invest in a strapless bra or perform some other method of strap subterfuge. No one wants to see a cute little summer dress or sexy sleeveless number and then see your dingy, fraying bra strap crawling out from under it like some pillbug from under a rock! YUCK! Nuff said.



VBS with tank top (and Amy Winehouse is usually so classy!)