Say "Squeeze!!!" Redux

"Do it to me one more time, once is never enough...." Oh, for shit's sake, I have to get another mammogram and an ultrasound of the ol' girls now. I just knew they didn't smile pretty and cooperate for their pictures this last time! According to the highly personal, warm, and fuzzy radiology report I was sent, I have "heterogeneously dense parenchyma which could obscure detection of small masses. There is nodular asymmetry in both breasts." From what I can gather, this means that my boobs are dense and lumpy, kind of like overcooked oatmeal. The good folks at American Radiology Services don't want to just come out and say, "Hey, lady, we can't see for shit through your tits! For all we know, you could be hiding not only a tumor but a kilo of cocaine in there! You're full of more lumps than my grandmother's Thanksgiving gravy!" So, it's back to the squish machine for me and before they're done with me, it'll be boob scallopini all around!

Say "Squeeze!!!"

Had the girls' pictures done today. Couldn't get them to smile, though! Oh, how I do love the annual mammogram! I know I need to do it, and I'm thankful the technology exists, and blah, blah, blah, but I still can't help but think that there's a Nobel Prize waiting for the person (who am I kidding-it's got to be a woman!) who figures out how to x-ray our boobs without having to shove them between two metal plates and compressing them into a booby panini! Hold the cheese on mine please-I'm lactose intolerant!

I remember the first time I went for a mammogram almost 2 decades ago.  I was mortified to see what that horrible machine did to my poor little breasts. I had been warned about the discomfort, which honestly, was just that-discomfort, not pain. When you've been a migraine sufferer for nearly your whole life, it takes a lot for you to call something "pain." But, what, dear God, was happening to my boobs? Never very rotund to begin with, they were getting flatter and flatter by the second! I honestly began to doubt that they'd ever spring back to life!

Now, of course, I'm an old pro. I warm up for the annual ritual by standing sideways next to the refrigerator with my upper body unclothed and slowly closing the door tighter and tighter while grasping the hinges on the other side. This method is much more sanitary and draws fewer odd looks from neighbors than my old method, which involved lying naked on the garage floor and closing the garage door on my boobs. Since we installed the child proof doors, I haven't figured out a work around for that method.

So today, well-prepared, I bravely strode into the mammography suite to wait my turn. Have you ever noticed that when you're waiting for a mammogram, all the articles in the magazines you pick up are about cancer? Do they do this on purpose?!! I think they should only allow cooking and Cosmo mags in waiting rooms. My turn arrives, and I have my girls' pictures taken. Lefty was being a pouty bitch this morning and wouldn't smile nicely. At least the tech's hands were warm this year! I should hear the results in 7 to 14 days (I call this stretch of time the "Days of Diazepam.") Maybe if the pictures come out good, I can order extras for my holiday cards!