The Thin Mint Defense

In Florida last week, a woman was charged with aggravated battery and aggravated assault with a deadly weapon for attacking her roommate over a box of Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies. Seems that Hersha Howard (31) became distraught upon discovering that her Thin Mints had been eaten and went into her roommate's bedroom to confront her. She woke the roommate and accused her of bogarting the cookies. The roomie denied the charge, claiming that she gave the cookies to Howard's children, who had awakened hungry that night at 1 a.m. The roommate offered to pay $10 for the box of cookies, but Howard refused. The two women began to argue, and it became physical. Despite intervention from the roommate's husband, Howard was able to grab a pair of scissors and attack the roommate, who fled down the stairs. Howard then struck the roommate with a board and continued to attack her as she fled outside the house. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried!

If I were the judge on this case (oh, how I would LOVE to be the judge on this case!), I see several ways to place the blame for this unfortunate, yet entertaining, incident. Let's start with...

1. The Defendent: Hersha Howard: OK, I understand coming home at 2 a.m. with a mondo case of the munchies, looking forward to stuffing your face with your Thin Mints to find only a box of baking soda and some sad looking onions in your fridge. You were angry. And hungry. But does this warrant an attack with scissors and/or a board? You could have taken the $10 your roommate offered and bought yourself 2 more boxes of cookies plus had some money left over for beer. Do you think you'll have Thin Mints on the women's ward in the Florida State Pen? Take a chill pill, sister. Buy yourself a Snickers and think about it first.

2. The Victim: Roommate: Sorry, honey, but I really don't feel all that sorry for you. You're a couple of crayons short of a box. Anyone who has lived in the United States for a year or longer knows that Girl Scout cookies are a coveted item. Steal someone's cookies at your own risk! I, for one, know what it's like to have a jones for Thin Mints. You wait all day for that moment when it's just you and those chocolately, minty cookies. You know you shouldn't, but you get your drink of choice and sit down to "do a sleeve," only to find that your cookies are gone! I, too, would feel homicidal.

Wait, you say! Roomie claims she fed the purloined cookies to Howard's hungry children when they awakened at 1 a.m. I say, YOU CALL THAT A DEFENSE, LADY?!! First off, everyone knows that you don't give Girl Scout cookies, which cost a whopping $3.50 a box, to a bunch of snotty nosed little kids who don't know the difference between them and a piece of cardboard coated in sugar! You give the kids the cheap, store brand cookies, you idiot! Second, unless they still require the breast or a bottle, the proper response to children who wake up at 1 a.m. and say that they are hungry is not to offer them a box of Thin Mints. The proper response goes something like this: GET YOUR ASSES BACK IN BED RIGHT NOW AND I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN UNTIL MORNING! Basic Parenting 101. So, victim shares some of the blame here too.

3. The Girl Scouts of America: The Girl Scouts organization itself shoulders some of the blame for this Thin Mint melee. As devotees of Girl Scout cookies know, one can purchase the cookies for only a few weeks out of the entire year. Unless you stock up (and who can really afford to stock up at $3.50 a box?!!), your Thin Mint window of opportunity is limited. Thus, the organization itself creates crazies like Hersha Howard who go ballistic when their supply is interrupted. What kind of crack-like substance do they put in those cookies that gets us hooked so quickly and so thoroughly?

Also, why is it that for $3.50 a box, only about 50 cents goes to the scout troop itself? The rest of the money goes UP the ladder to various councils and offices. The Girl Scouts themselves get a badge (ooh!) and some lame ass token gifts depending on how many boxes of cookies they sell. "Hey, I sold 300 boxes of cookies and got a genuine imitation zirconia necklace that turns my neck green!" And who exactly sells those cookies anyway? If you've ever had a daughter in Girl Scouts, you know that it's Mom and Dad who do the cookie whoring. You send out the emails; you post the flyers at work; you call relatives; you collect money; you drive around town and deliver everyone's cookies. And what do you get for all this? Ab-so-fuckin'-lute-ly nothing!

What does all this have to do with Hersha Howard assaulting her roommate over a box of Thin Mints? I just felt like railing on the Girl Scouts while I was on a rant! Now I think I'll go get my Thin Mints and have a snack. And they had better be there (I like mine cold from the freezer) or somebody's gonna have to hide the scissors!!!