The Jersey Shore (The Real One, Not the TV Show)

I'm back from the shore (they don't say "beach" up in NJ), and it's a huge relief to be out of the land of Guidos! For those who don't watch that TV show or have the pleasure of visiting a mother-in-law at the Jersey Shore, a Guido (or Guidette if female) is an inhabitant of New Jersey with a distinctive appearance and manner. They prowl the seaside towns of NJ in wild, often same-sexed packs, talking loudly, cursing, and smoking.

Being a Guido is not about being Italian per se, although many Guidos are, in fact, Italian. My husband is Italian, and he is most definitively NOT a Guido nor are any members of his family that I've met. Actually, when we were in Italy this summer, I didn't see one Guido. The Italian Italians were WAY too classy to be Guidos. Even the Italian homeless men were pretty hot! Now the uber religious Italian beggar women outside the cathedrals were pretty scary looking, asking for money and praying to Saint Psycho, but they still were not Guidettes. But I digress...

After spending a week observing Guidos and Guidettes in their natural habitat (the Jersey shore and its boardwalks), I have prepared a short tutorial for transforming a "normal" person into a Guido. We begin with the fellas:

1. Lose the neck. Guidos look like a preschooler's drawing of a person: head, body, arms, legs -no neck. This will present no sartorial disadvantages, as Guidos never wear ties.

2. Drastically enlarge the upper body (biceps, triceps, pecs, etc.) while keeping waistline and lower body the same size. Guidos are distinctly disproportionate. When walking, one must appear as if about to topple over.

3. Haircut should be cut in a crewcut and then pomaded or slicked back away from forehead with pomade. "What's pomade?" you ask. Puh-leaze.

4. Tan. Even in winter. Spray on tans are perfectly acceptable. Orange tint not a problem.

5. Accessorize with one or more: tattoos, toothpick, Italian horn necklace.

And now for the ladies:

1. Stand in a large trash compactor and compress your entire body by about 15-20 %. The effect should be to make you shorter, squatter, and more brick-like.

2. Get stacked. If your girls are not naturally ginormous, have Daddy pay for bigger ones. No such thing as "too big."

3. Hair should be increased in volume and height. The use of "Snook-Its" is strongly encouraged.

4. Brunettes are acceptable but bleached blond (roots showing and streaky) is also a strong look.

5. Tan. Even in winter. Spray on tans are perfectly acceptable. Orange tint not a problem.

6. Accessorize with one or more: oversized sunglasses, tramp stamp, condoms in purse.

2 Aging Guidettes: Left One's Shirt Reads "Team Snooki"

Now that you've achieved the look, you have to tauwk da tauwk. Remember, never say "the"; it's "da." Usually, the "o" sound in words like "dog," "frog," and "wrong" can be pronounced as "aw." Likewise, "coffee" is pronounced, "cawfee." However, the "o" sound in words like "Florida" and "horrible" is pronounced "a," making them "Flarida" (Flar-i-da) and har-i-ble. Don't ask why.

As for me, I'm happy to be back among my people. There's no place like HOME (said with the annoying Maryland "o"!!!)