Happy Thanksgivukkah!

Nationwide Insurance Salutes Miyazaki?

Anyone else find the new Nationwide Insurance ad creepy?

Every time I see that big baby, I think of Boh from "Spirited Away!"

I Am The People of Walmart!

I hang my sorry head in shame as I write this post. It's almost too painful to admit, but admitting is the first step in healing.

I AM THE PEOPLE OF WALMART!

If you haven't had the pleasure of meeting The People Of Walmart, take a moment to acquaint yourself  by perusing the photos (or better yet, don't-do something useful with your life!) If you live near a Walmart, you know the type, right? They look like they're dressed up for a "Most Dirty and Deranged" contest or have just wandered in for some smokes after a tough night of heroin and whoring. Yeah, those people.

Well, friends, I can no longer look down my nose at The People Of Walmart (and believe me, it was a LONG way down!) Due to a confluence of circumstances that occurred a few weeks ago, I found myself in the local Walmart looking like a page torn from Homeless Monthly (Special Summer Edition). And just how did such an unthinkable situation happen to moi? Let me tell you...

It was a typical summer morning in Southern Maryland.  By 8:00 a.m., the sun was burning holes in the roof shingles, and the air was moist with humidity and nuclear waste from the power plant. I went downstairs to let my dogs, a poodle and a Maltese, out in the yard. I was wearing my usual pre-shower outfit: "fat" shorts (baggy gray cotton drawstring-ooh, sexy!), yesterday's T-shirt sans bra, no make-up, matted hair, and bare feet. Yes, I'm a perennial vision of femininity and loveliness! I opened the basement door, and the dogs shot out into the yard. 

After about a minute, however, I heard the unmistakable whine of a dog. I glanced out the door and saw my miniature poodle nose to nose with a large copperhead snake! If you are not familiar with copperheads, they are the only venomous snake species in Southern Maryland and look like this: 

The snake was hissing and bobbing its head, and my dog was trying to sniff it. Meanwhile, the other dog was running around barking and jumping like he had placed a bet on the fight (I don't know whom he was rooting for.) I couldn't take the time to go upstairs to get my shoes, so I grabbed what was available in the basement closet: big, black snow boots, and out I ran. I grabbed my stupid poodle in one arm, the Maltese in the other and tossed them both back inside the house. The dogs, of course, were incensed that I had cut short their fun and tried to escape. That was when I made the fatal error: I slammed shut the basement door.

It took me only a second to realize that I had locked myself out of the house. "Not to worry," I naively thought to myself. "I can just use the key pad on the garage door to get into the garage, where I keep a spare house key." I breezily trotted off to open the garage door. No such luck. The key pad would not work. The battery was dead.

I assessed my situation. The dogs were safe, and I was outside with the sun blazing and the temperature quickly rising (the predicted high that day was in the upper 90s). I had nothing on me: no car keys, no money, no water. After trying to pry open a few windows on the ground floor, I also had no fingernails. What to do?

Reluctantly, I walked over to a nearby friend's house to see if she might have a battery to fit my key pad. After banging on the door several times, her teenage son answered. She was not home. So, picture me, in all my sweaty, floppy boobed, ridiculously clad glory, explaining my situation to a 19 year-old guy. Awkward, to say the least. I must give this young man credit, however. Instead of laughing and closing the door on my sorry ass, he looked for a battery, which he could not find. Then he offered to Google "How To Pick a Lock" on YouTube and try to assist me in breaking into my own home. What a guy!

Armed with bobby pins and paper clips, we went back to my house. After about an hour of trying to pick the locks on the basement and front doors to no avail, we gave up. It sure looks easier in the videos! I declared my house burglar-proof and myself up the proverbial creek. Then came the words that would forever change my life: "I can drive you to Walmart to buy a battery."

On the one hand, I was hot, thirsty, tired, and really, REALLY wanted to get back in my house. On the other hand, I had no money and was wearing my fat shorts, a dirty T-shirt, no bra, and black snow boots. I really, REALLY did not want to be seen in public. In the end, thirst and fatigue won out. I swallowed what was left of my pride and got into his car. He drove me to Walmart, where I had to borrow money from a 19 year-old to buy a battery.  Yes, my life had come to this. I looked not significantly different from all the rednecks, hoochy baby mamas, and wackadoos that normally convene at Walmart. I could not judge. I had become one of "them."

So, if you happen to come across a photo of a 50ish woman with sweat soaked hair, floppy boobs, dirty T-shirt, and baggy shorts who is sporting snow boots in the middle of the summer while shopping at Walmart, please be kind. Remember, I was once a nice, normal, respectable person. Now, I am one of "The People of Walmart."

Mother Nature Can Be a Bitch!

Okay, I know I probably asked for it. You know the saying "Be careful what you wish for; you just might get it?" Well, I have always wished for a home surrounded by wildlife. Yes, I am teasingly called "Nature Girl" because I volunteer at our local nature center, love animals, and think snakes are cool. However, even Nature Girl has her limits.

This summer in Southern MD has brought more and varied flora and fauna to my doorstep (and, at times, over the threshold!) than I could ever imagine! I love the abundance of swallowtail butterflies that are all over my yard. My dog is enjoying trying to catch the skinks that seem to be popping out everywhere. I didn't even mind the cicadas that recently swarmed us for their 17 year orgy. But, recent sightings have made even me a tad squeamish about the natural "wonders" in our part of the world.

Centipedes have invaded Southern MD this summer. I find them clinging to the backyard screen door and creepily crawling around my basement. I even found a few in bathtubs! Besides having multitudes of long, skinny legs, they move incredibly fast, which makes them hard to catch. Remember those rubber bugs that you could buy out of gumball machines as a kid? Yeah, they look like that!

Not pretty centipede

Our basement also seems to be home to hundreds of camel crickets. I have nothing against crickets, but these guys aren't the Jiminy Cricket shiny, black musical kind. Oh no. These are Quasimodo's cousins! They are brownish, hunchbacked, and tend to drop a leg whenever I try to catch them. Who does that?!! And why are their antennae so long? Are they trying to broadcast radio signals from Kazakhstan?

not cute cricket that we have

cute  cricket

this guy is on the small side!

While I'm on the subject of our basement, can we talk about wolf spiders? These things are freaks of nature! I'm not arachnophobic. I find spider webs beautiful and fascinating. I even took photos of the black widow spider I found in our rafters (then got rid of it!) Wolf spiders, however, are a blight on spiderhood. These monstrosities don't even have the courtesy to make webs. They just lurk about in dark places waiting to scare the crap out of you. If you've never had the pleasure of meeting a wolf spider, think dark, furry, and BIG! Too big to squish. With legs included, wolf spiders can easily grow to be the size of your hand. I've seen one who's body alone was as big as my palm! That's the size of pet, not a bug! I've had to trap more than my fair share of wolf spiders this summer, and I don't even want to think about how many are still hiding in the dark corners of my basement. Shiver. 

slime mold, a lovely addition to any garden!

Lest you think that it's only insects (I know, spiders are not insects. Let it go.) that have infested my house and made this summer less than enjoyable, I have some flora to show you that will make you want a concrete yard! First, let me introduce you to slime mold. This beast likes to make its home in our mulch. It begins its wretched life as a bright yellow blob, then transforms itself to look like dog vomit. It makes a lovely complement to your summer flowers! It also spreads, so you can be assured that when you find slime mold in your garden, more is on the way! Yay!

in its dog vomit stage

Here's one for you fans of nature porn! In addition to being disgustingly phallic in its presentation, the stinkhorn mushroom also emits a nauseating smell! What fun! I think stinkhorn mushrooms were Mother Nature's idea of a practical joke. I'm not laughing.

no comment

While I'm on the subject of undesirable phallic objects, I'll tell you about the snakes I've encountered this summer. Now, I like snakes. I think they're cool looking and I've held some at the Nature Center. I generally don't mind finding a snake in my yard because chances are, it's not venomous. There is only one venomous snake in our area, the copperhead. Guess what snake decided to visit my backyard several days ago? If you guessed copperhead, go to the head of the class!

not a dog toy!

Of course, the copperhead was in the yard at the same time as my dogs, a miniature poodle and a Maltese. They are both oblivious to the fact that copperhead snakes are not dog toys and thus, should not be approached, sniffed, and put into a dog mouth. When I entered the scene, the copperhead was bobbing its head and lashing out to bite my poodle, who just kept jumping in the air and then trying to catch it again! Luckily, all involved escaped unharmed, including the copperhead, who, I'm hoping will find somewhere else to catch the sun.

Probably the most common snake I find here is the black rat snake. As I mentioned previously, they are not venomous (though they will bite) and are helpful in eradicating small rodents. I typically like finding them. Typically. This summer has not been typical. I found a pair of black rat snakes mating on my grill! I'm all for snake love, but we cook our food on that grill! Yuck.

found one of these chillin' in my basement

I've also found snakes lounging on the blinds on my basement door (inside) and having a rest in the middle of my basement carpet! This is too close to nature for my comfort!

So, it's been an eventful summer here is Southern MD! Spiders, and slime mold, and snakes, oh my! Nature Girl is looking forward to her trip to New York City next month! At least there, the slime and snakes will be human!