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Poetry and snark blogger who also has a creative side (who knew?)

Monday, July 25, 2011

Imagine That!!!

Do you love art? Are you looking for that perfect something for that blank wall in your home or office but just can't seem to find the exact right piece? Well, have I got a place for you! The pieces in this museum's collection won't clash with your living room color scheme or make your ugly shag carpeting look old because they DON'T EXIST. That's right, folks. The art is "non-visible" in that it exists only in the imagination! What total bullcrap originality! Here is their explainer video:

The Museum of Non-Visible Art (MONA) calls itself "an extravaganza of imagination." Their promotional site claims that we live in 2 separate worlds, one visible and one of the mind. "Composed entirely of ideas, the Non-Visible Museum redefines the concept of what is real. Although the artworks themselves are not visible, the descriptions open our eyes to a parallel world built of images and words. This world is not visible, but it is real, perhaps more real than the world of matter, and it is also for sale." By the way, they also have a nice bridge to sell you!

If their description was not crystal clear, the gist is this: someone, whom MONA deems an "artist," imagines a work of art. It may be a painting, a sculpture, a work of media, or something else. The person then describes this artwork but does not actually create it. Then, for a certain amount of money, you, the dupe buyer, purchase this work of imagination and then "display" it in your own home or wherever. You then describe it to others, who will then "see" it in their imaginations. Brilliant, right?!! Now, don't think that you get absolutely nothing for your money. Oh no! You get a "card" to hang on your wall, to prove that you bought the piece of art to describe to your "audience."

This is all a joke, you say? No one would actually spend money on someone else's imaginary art, you say? WRONG! Aimee Davison, a "new media producer," recently paid $10,000 (that's  ten thousand dollars, not ten dollars!) for a MONA piece entitled "Fresh Air." This piece was described as "A unique piece, only this one is for sale. The air you are purchasing is like buying an endless tank of oxygen. No matter where you are, you always have the ability to take a breath of the most delicious, clean-smelling air that the earth can produce. Every breath you take gives you endless peace and health. This artwork is something to carry with you if you own it. Because wherever you are, you can imagine yourself getting the most beautiful taste of air that is from the mountain tops or fields or from the ocean side; it is an endless supply." You may think, "Why can't I just imagine fresh, clean air from the mountain tops or fields or ocean myself and not have to pay thousands of dollars for it?" Clearly, you are a philistine and don't appreciate that this imaginary air was dreamed up by an actual artist, not just by a schlub like you!

So, go check out MONA and see imagine all the innovative art you could proudly own! I'm saving up my money-there's a big wall in my rec room that's totally empty and it's going to take a LOT of imagination to fill it up!

The actor James Franco is standing next to his art work. You can't see it, of course, because it exists only in his head.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Darwin Weeps

For the first time ever, viewers were allowed a sneak peek behind the scenes of the Miss USA Pageant!!! (Who the hell cares?!! I know, I can't believe our luck either!) Take a look at these interviews with the contestants as they answer the question "Should evolution be taught in school?" Then poke your eyes out with a fork and pour acid in your ears because once seen and heard, it can't be unseen and unheard. I'm thinking of becoming an ex-pat.

Now, how about "Should math be taught in school?" Gotta love Miss Vermont!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

HOT Yoga

As some of my regular readers (bless your insane little hearts!) know, I've been practicing yoga for several years now (you'd think with all this practice, I'd be decent by now!) My yoga teacher (she of the impossibly tight, round butt and not an extra ounce of body fat on her 40 something year-old frame) likes to lead her classes outdoors in her yard when the weather is warm. Now, I'm all for this in the fall and spring, as the birds and butterflies provide a lovely distraction from my own pain, and frankly, I'd much rather watch Mother Nature than my own flabby self in the wall mirror. HOWEVER, most of the country has probably noticed a nasty HEAT WAVE recently, which we also have here. The temperatures had already climbed into the 80s by early morning with high humidity, so when I approached my yoga class, I thought to myself, "There's no way she's going to make us do this class outside today." How wrong I was!

Now I know that some people pay big bucks for bikram yoga, which is a form of insanity where they heat the room to 105 degrees and force you to do 90 minutes of impossible yoga asanas in the heat. This laugh riot was dreamed up by Bikram Choudhury, who claims that "...the heated studio facilitates deeper stretching and injury prevention, while reducing stress and tension." That is, if you don't die of heat exhaustion first. I, however, do NOT pay for bikram yoga. I want my yoga room temperature, thank you very much. I do not choose to pay extra for heat stroke.

Today's class, however, would have done Bikram Choudhury proud. The sun was burning, the air was stifling, and the humidity was sticky. I was dripping sweat before the warm-up was even finished. Not my yoga teacher! What a bitch inspiration she was! Her blond hair glistening in the sun, her tanned face and body radiating a warm glow, and not a drop of sweat on her svelte, toned body. It just made me want to stick a fork in her neck work even harder! Which, of course, she made us do! Balancing poses! My absolute worst and a total nightmare with the gnats buzzing in my ears and ants crawling up my legs. No, I was not experiencing drug induced hallucinations-there were really ants crawling on my legs! Yeesh!

I don't think my hour of yoga has ever gone so slowly. By the end, I had done Downward Panting Dog, Roasted Pigeon, Warrior with Heat Stroke, Cat On a Hot Tin Roof, and Lunge for the Water. If I didn't lose at least 5 pounds of water weight, I'll be really pissed off! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with an air conditioner, some ice cream, and a long shower! Namaste.

I'm melting, melting.

Happy Birthday (La La)

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


Well, had to remove my entire previous post here because all of the links to the adorable video of the kid meeting his first gay couple were removed from the universe. Such a shame because it showed how nonthreatening and utterly non-traumatic it is for children to encounter gay people. They take it in stride because it's no big deal. Wish adults could get that.

So, today, one of my favorite bloggers posted this video, which will serve to replace my absent video. Although I'm not a huge Lady Gaga fan, this video is so beautiful and so perfectly representative of how things should be, I had to post it. There's enough hate in the world as it is. We should celebrate love wherever it is found.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Parenting 101: How to Embarrass Your Teen

Okay now. I don't ever want to hear from my 15 year-old daughter that I embarrass her again! After viewing this video, visiting this guy's blog, and reading about what this father has done to his 16 year-old son, I now believe that I deserve a Cool Parent of the Year Award.

Imagine, if you will, that you are a tired, probably self-conscious, adolescent male boarding the bus for a day of high school. Then imagine that on the first day of school, your father sends you off to school by waving at you from the front porch. Embarrassing enough, no? Apparently, no. On the second day of school, your father decides to don a Chargers helmet and jersey while waving at the school bus. Okay, Dad, you're really embarrassing me. Day 3 brings out the Anakin Skywalker helmet, and Day 4, the swim trunks, flippers, and snorkel. By Day 5 and the sombrero and Mexican poncho, we've now entered serious humiliation territory, and Dad is not to be stopped.

You can visit "Wave At the Bus," this guy's blog and see all 170 days of his son's utter mortification. Show it to your kids--maybe they'll appreciate you a bit more!

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Eating Dormice Isn't Nice!

A Tribute to the Edible Dormouse

by Alice Shirrell Kaswell (Source)

The edible dormouse (Myoxus glis) is the star of Giuseppe Carpaneto and Mauro Cristaldi’s 1994 study “Dormice and Man: A Review of Past and Present Relations.” The two Rome-based scholars—Carpaneto at Terza University, Cristaldi at the University of Rome—savor one of the tasty rodent’s two major historical roles. Though some scorned it an agricultural pest, many prized the critter for its succulence.
Carpaneto and Cristaldi suggest that dormouse cuisine and dormouse documentation owe much to the Romans, and almost nothing to earlier civilizations. “The ancient Greeks,” they write, “were not very interested in dormice because they did not eat them.... Oribatius (Fourth Century A.D.), a Byzantine author on medicine, wrote that their meat is untasty and purgative.”
Carpaneto and Cristaldi tell of how things changed once the Romans got cooking:
“A recipe was reported by the gourmet Marcus Gavius Apicus (First Century A.D.) in his work De Re Coquinaria: dormice were served with sophisticated sauces containing fish and spices (pepper, ‘laserpicium’ pine-seeds) often filled with pork meat and with dormouse entrails. Petronius (20?-66 A.D.) in his novel Satyricon described edible dormice served with honey and poppy-seeds during a luxurious dinner.”
The foodstuff became so well appreciated in Calabria, the southwesternmost part of the Italian mainland, that Calabrian dialects now have about 110 words for dormouse. There are also terms for related items, including dormouse-hunter (agglzjiraru), the jars for keeping dormice (ciglirera), and dormouse litter (carfata).
The earliest known drawing of a dormouse, done in 1607.
Modern dormouse hunting in Calabria is often done at night, by smoke-flushing the animals from their den, or by trapping or shooting. There can be a certain romance to this. The study remarks that “Nocturnal hunting consists of shooting at dormice walking on tree branches, silhouetted against the moon-light.”
In Corsican dormouse cooking, “the animals are eviscerated and burnt but not skinned in order to protect the fat layer between the skin and the muscles. Then they are roasted on a grate and the dripping fat gathered on slices of bread.”
Ukrainian chefs “used the fat of the Edible Dormouse in their cookery,” while the French and some of their neighbors “ate roasted dormice after having thrown them into boiling water.”
Carpaneto and Cristaldi say that Lord Rothschild introduced the edible dormouse into England in 1902. (Other sources specify that this occurred in Tring, Hertfordshire, a neighborhood where dormouse is now nearly impossible to find on a restaurant menu.) But some 37 years earlier, a curious book called Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland documented the preparation of dormouse at a British tea party. Midway through the party, a young visitor named Alice reportedly “got up in great disgust, and walked off; the Dormouse fell asleep instantly, and neither of the others took the least notice of her going, though she looked back once or twice, half hoping that they would call after her: the last time she saw them, they were trying to put the Dormouse into the teapot.”


“Dormice and Man: A Review of Past and Present Relations,” Giuseppe M. Carpaneto and Mauro Cristaldi, Hystrix, vol. 6, nos. 1-2, 1994, pp. 303-30.
Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll, 1865.
“Carolus Linnaeus and the Edible Dormouse,” C. Violani and B. Zava, Hystrix, vol. 6, nos. 1-2, 1994, pp. 109-115. The authors report that:
Carolus Linnaeus was totally unacquainted with the Edible Dormouse Myoxus glis (L.), a species not found in Sweden : while describing Mus Rattus in the 10th Edition of the “Systema Naturae” (1758), the Swedish naturalist confessed his ignorance concerning the “Glis” of the ancients

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