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Poetry and snark blogger who also has a creative side (who knew?)

Friday, October 29, 2010

You Deserve $17,500 Today...

In the latest issue of "News of the Irresponsible but Entitled," we discover that a Brazilian judge has ruled that McDonald's must pay a former franchise manager the equivalent of $17,500 because he gained 65 pounds over 12 years. The obese former McDonald's employee claimed that he felt obligated to sample the food each day to ensure it met quality standards because the company hired "mystery clients" to report on the food, service, and cleanliness of the restaurants. The company also provided free lunches to McDonald's employees, which apparently, this man also felt obligated to eat, and this, too, increased his caloric intake.

Let's all give a collective "Awww" for this poor, put-upon, dedicated man who so selflessly gave to his company that he neglected his own well-being and seeks only thousands of dollars in return for his years of free food.  Apparently, he was too dedicated to delegate the task of quality assurance to anyone else in the restaurant and had to sample all the food himself. One might think that after all that sampling, this man wouldn't even desire lunch, or perhaps just a small salad and diet drink, but perhaps he felt the need to re-sample at midday to make sure that standards remained high. One can never have high enough standards in a McDonald's.

I have to wonder if during this man's 12 year tenure as a franchise manager he ever tried to lose any of the weight he was gaining. He obviously didn't put on 65 pounds overnight. At some point, did he ever think to himself, "Maybe I'd better cut back on those Big Macs and large fries because I'm getting kinda supersized myself." I don't recall reading anything that said his contract stated that he had to personally sample the food every day. Did it ever occur to him NOT to eat the food at his restaurant on a daily basis? I wonder what he'll do with his $17,500? Join a gym? Hire a personal trainer? Meet with a dietician or nutritionist? My guess is he'll splurge on a big, expensive dinner (but probably not at McDonald's!)

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

It Was Great When It All Began

Rocky Horror has gone mainstream!!! This is a bit, er, horrifying to me. Brad, Janet, Rocky, Magenta, Columbia, Riff Raff, Eddie, and Dr. Frank - N- Furter have made the voyage from a tiny club in England in the early 1970s to Fox television in 2010. Now, you don't have to go to a midnight movie, buy the DVD, or (gasp!) attend a live audience participation performance to hear some of the classic Rocky Horror tunes. You can get a family friendly, edited, sanitized but sexy enough to garner the ratings Glee version of Rocky Horror. Oh, Rocky, that's no way to behave on your first day out!

The Rocky Horror Show (stage version) and subsequent Rocky Horror Picture Show (movie) are all about dealing with sexual and moral ambiguity, sexual freedom, and breaking down societal mores. They are also vampy parodies of horror films. Rocky Horror is filled with decidedly adult content, crude language, sexual innuendo, violence, implied sexual activity, and, when accompanied by audience participation, shouting crass comments at the screen or actors, acting out parts in the story, and throwing objects at the screen or stage. This is all part of the Rocky Horror experience (first timers are ridiculed as "virgins.") It is also what makes the experience such fun and gives a sense of community to those who experience it.

Making Rocky Horror acceptable for prime time kills it just as dead as Riff Raff's ray gun kills Frank. While it's great to hear the old songs sung by new voices, we RHPS fans know our lyrics too well not to cringe when Glee cast members sang of "Sensational" Transylvania instead of Transsexual, Transylvania. Oddly enough, they kept in the reference to being a "sweet transvestite." I guess transvestites are PG but transsexuals are R? Either way, it didn't make much sense, as Glee had a girl sing the song, and she wasn't dressed in men's clothes. They pretty much "de-gayified" that whole aspect of Rocky Horror. Then there was the song "Toucha, Toucha, Toucha, Touch Me." While it was deemed acceptable to show the two adult singers rubbing, touching, and panting over each other in an overtly sexual manner, it was apparently not acceptable to use the phrase "heavy petting," which was changed to "heavy sweating."

While I applaud Glee's efforts to expose the current generation to previous generations' music, sometimes it works better than others. I'll be the first to admit that I don't think ANYONE will EVER do as great a job in the role of Dr. Frank as the awesome Tim Curry. When he struts out of that elevator in his fishnets and heels, this straight girl's heart goes all aflutter. This is the chance one takes when presenting a cover version of a beloved song. But when the song is changed so much that the original meaning is lost, some of the original joy (dare I say glee?) is lost too. As Frank so eloquently and dramatically put it, "It's not easy having a good time! Even smiling makes my face ache!"

Monday, October 25, 2010

Don't Tell Me You're Not Thinking It Too!!!

Wow! What a great gift idea! You can satisfy several cravings at once! Look, it has ribs! And it comes in your choice of flavors! It's even big enough to share, if you're into that. Open wide!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Missy Smith Is a Conniving Shitweasel** (This Is a Protected Political Message)

**In honor of the Empress's Phraseology,  (check out her fabulous blog The Ranter's Box) I have retitled this post

It's campaign season, so I expect to see all sorts of sordid, exaggerated, and nasty political ads on TV. But then I saw D.C. House of Representatives candidate Missy Smith's baby ad. This was not the typical politician kissing a baby ad or even the hazy "Candidate X will ruin our children's future, so vote for Candidate Y" ad, but an intensely graphic ad with images of mutilated, dead babies. The voiceover for this ad is Missy Smith talking about her anger and regret over having been "exploited" into having two abortions and her mission to "end legalized child killing."

Although she is running as a Republican and Tea Party member against incumbent Eleanor Holmes Norton, the Republican party does not endorse her. Why? Most probably because she isn't a true political candidate but an anti-choice zealot who is abusing the political process to gain air time for her extremist views. Her ads (I've only seen one, but there is another) are so brutally graphic that You Tube rejected them. I'm not going to post them, but if you want to see them, you can go to her website.  How did this whack job manage to get her disgusting pictures on television, during daytime and primetime viewing no less?  By exploiting a law for her own crusade. Local television stations are required by law to air political campaign ads during a small window of time during election season. By calling her fanatical invectives political ads, Missy Smith was able to get them on TV.

Now whether you support a woman's fundamental right to decide what happens to her own body or you support religious zealots and paternalistic legislators making a woman's choice for her (you can guess which side of this issue I'm on), Missy Smith's approach is out of line. Although she claims to have opinions on other issues and briefly mentions them on her website, she makes it clear that "the number one duty of true patriots is to end the legalized slaughter of unborn babies." All of her campaign contributions go toward airing her anti-abortion ads. She is clearly using a loophole in campaign law to publicize her message in a manner that, in any other situation would be unacceptable. 

Her ads are not only graphic but misleading. The images in the ad I saw showed fully developed babies that had been mutilated in some manner. Missy Smith says, "When people see the truth - these images of healthy and dead unborn children - they cannot escape the reality that abortion is murder." Well, these images are NOT the truth. Most abortions are performed during the first trimester, when the fetus is nowhere near fully developed.  I'm not even sure the images in her ad are from abortions at any stage, as I couldn't find their source. I won't even begin to address her claim that the "abortion industry" is in cahoots with the "body parts industry" and is selling body parts of aborted babies for huge profits. I'll leave that task to her psychiatrist.

I'm sure Missy Smith won't win the Congressional seat in the D.C. race. I'm pretty sure that she doesn't expect to either. She's just using her pseudo-candidacy to take advantage of the opportunity to broadcast her reprehensible rhetoric to those unfortunate enough to be tuned in to their local TV station when her ads air. Too bad real life doesn't have a mute button.

cartoon by Stephanie McMillan, 2006

Friday, October 22, 2010

Your Nature Center Field Trip

Tips for Parent Chaperones on Nature Center Field Trips

1. Dress appropriately.  You were informed that you would be doing a moderate amount of walking on trails through a swamp, a meadow, and a forest.  In some cases, you may be catching frogs and fish in a pond.  Skirts, hose, and high heeled shoes or boots are generally not considered hiking attire.  If you choose to wear these items, please refrain from complaining when mud gets on your Jimmy Choos or you get algae on your silk blouse.

2. You have a child in the class that is attending this field trip.  You are on this field trip to chaperone this child and possibly other children as well.  You are not on this field trip to network or socialize with the other parents, have a conference with your child's teacher, or show off your knowledge of natural phenomena to the staff.  Please be aware that if you do choose to show off your superior knowledge to the staff of the Nature Center, you will immediately be recruited to become a volunteer at the site.

3. We assume that you have successfully completed the grade level that is attending this field trip.  You are not required to complete any classwork during the field trip.  However, the students are required to complete classwork.  While it may enhance your self-esteem to demonstrate how quickly and proficiently you can answer questions and complete the work assigned on this field trip, it is not meant for you.  Please allow the students to complete the work. You will receive no extra credit for doing the students' work on this field trip.

4. Your child is one of many children on this field trip. We understand that your child is special.  However, it creates a problem when you allow your child to buy souvenirs, eat candy, and/or leave the group when other children are not allowed to do so.  Yes, we understand that your child is special. Don't do these things anyway.

5. When you volunteer to chaperone a field trip, it is assumed that you will be both physically and mentally present during the field trip.  If you are standing by your car smoking, hanging out in the ladies' room gossiping with another parent, or buying souvenirs in the gift shop, you are then not supervising your child and the other children in your group.  This creates unsupervised children. Unsupervised children disrupt activities, get hurt, and break things. This is bad. Likewise, if you are engaged in a business or personal call on your cell phone during the field trip, it is exceedingly difficult to supervise your child and/or group adequately.  Supervision of children often requires you to speak to them, explain directions and/or rules, and intervene when they show disruptive behavior.  It is often quite helpful to actually watch the children in order to know when they require these actions on your part.

6. This is a field trip for your child, not an adult education course for you.  The staff is here to educate your child. Please do not ask me esoteric questions to which I will not possibly know the answer and that have nothing to do with your child's field trip.  I can not name each of the birds you hear by their calls. I do not know every plant that grows here. I'm a frickin' volunteer. You want to pay me? I'll be glad to look up the answers for you!

7. Everything your child does is not cute, funny, or a sign of his or her high IQ.  If your child is being a pain in the ass and you do nothing about it, I will. You may love your child unconditionally; I don't. I think your child is a brat.

I hope you enjoy your day at the Nature Center and that you let me enjoy mine as well.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

New Toy!!!

Well if you're already reading this, the message in this animated short is redundant, but what a cool program! It's so easy, even I could make a movie in less than an hour! Have fun my pets!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Campbell's Soup Goes Halal: M'm, M'm, Good for the Jews?

Have you heard that the Canadian branch of Campbell's Soups has released a line of halal certified products, which means that they have been prepared according to Islamic dietary laws?  They carry the seal of the Islamic Society of North America (ISNA), which offers halal certification. This can only mean one thing: the Jews' attempts at world domination are failing, and in our time of weakness, the Jihadist Muslims are encroaching on what should be our territory!

Sure, we've got Hollywood locked up tight, and we still have a viable chunk of the medical and financial markets, but we're losing our population base! We need to have NUMBERS! More young people are leaving the fold by marrying shiksas or goys and weakening our stock (although it is improving our eyesight and silhouettes as a group.) We've had the kosher certification seal on numerous foods throughout the country for dozens of years (you might have seen it; it's that circle with a U in it). Everyone knows that if you eat food that has been blessed by a rabbi, you get indoctrinated into Judaism. So, with all the Hebrew National hotdogs being eaten, where are all the new Jews? Obviously, there's a fatal flaw in our plan. And now, the Muslims are trying to grab our market share in the groceries with their halal soups! What chutzpah! They'd better not try to Islamify my matzohball soup! The borscht, they can have.

We Jews need to get to work if we want to spread our Christ-killing propaganda throughout the world! The Muslims aren't waiting to spread the word. They've already got a school holiday in Massachusetts, folks! That was our plan! Give the kiddies a school holiday for Rosh Hashanah, Passover, etc., and they will come to love the Jewish religion. But only a handful of school districts honor our holidays. And they still make kids sing the same lame "Dreidel" song year after year at Christmas concerts. How is that helping our cause?

Pamela Geller,  executive director of Freedom Defense Initiative (FDI)/Stop Islamization of America and author of the book "The Obama Administration's War on America: The Post American Presidency" writes a  blog, atlas shrugs, which eloquently elucidates the imminent threat of Islamic sharia, or law, taking over the world. Bravo, Pam! Throw 'em off our trail! Get the attention of the borderline IQ masses off our backs and onto the burqas and head scarves of the terrorists! Goodness knows, we ordinary Jews need something to distract people from the black suits, hats, scarves, fringed tallits, overgrown beards and weird sideburns of the Hassidic Jews! Oy! Geller's exposé of Campbell's Islamic connection begat a Facebook group dedicated to boycotting Campbell's soup. Perfect! With thousands of hungry people denied their chicken noodle, they'll be all the more ready to convert to kosher brands like Goodman's, Manischewitz, or Streit's. Then they'll be putty in our hands! We Jews make a mean chicken soup-what's not to like?

We must stop the spread of halal certified foods from Campbell's into America! The Canadians have already slipped their evil poutine past our borders; who knows what could be next?!!  Americans should eat American food! Oh, and Chinese food too. Jews like good Chinese food. And to make sure your food is of the highest quality, made from the best ingredients, under the most sanitary conditions, look for the Kosher symbol.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Don't Hate; Spiders R GR8!!!

Well, folks, it looks like Señor Araña is on a roll again! He's apparently considering getting together a group of spiders to go to the Rally for Sanity on the Mall on October 30 to protest Jon Stewart's comment about his brethren. He's made some posters and asked for me to show them here for comment. Here's his latest missive:

My Fellow Americans,

Arachnids are not your enemy. We are a humble, quiet, self-sufficient predatory species who wish only to live in harmony with humans. We don't wish to frighten you but want only to live our lives without having our legs pulled off or our sons and daughters squished beneath your feet. We bite only to protect ourselves. Let's all spin a web of understanding and mutual respect.

Señor Araña

P.S. I've made some posters for the Rally for Sanity and would welcome your input. Any spiders interested in attending the rally, please contact me. There's safety in numbers! Show your spider pride!                                                                                                                                                

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Proud to Be an Arachnid American!

I received a puzzling letter today. It's from a "Señor Araña" (Mister Spider) in response to Jon Stewart's upcoming Rally to Restore Sanity on the National Mall on October 30. Why he chose me to receive his missive I do not know, but he asked that I publish it on my blog for the world (all 5 or so of you!) to see. As I believe that he means only to educate and has no terrorist intentions, I will comply with his request. Here is his letter:

Dear Señor Stewart,

My name is Juan Araña, and I am an arachnid. I am also a huge fan of the Daily Show and tune in regularly for your humorous and informed take on the current events in our world.  I was so excited when you announced your Rally to Restore Sanity on the National Mall and immediately began planning my trip to Washington for this historic event.  Now, because of your fearmongering, I worry that my life may be in danger should I attend.

You, Señor Stewart, are usually such an educated and rational man and display more than tolerance, but acceptance, toward minorities of all persuasions.  This is why I am so disappointed in your statement about my brethren, arachnids. You stated, "I'm not afraid of Muslims, Tea Partiers, socialists, immigrants, gun owners or gays, but I am kind of scared of spiders." Shame on you, Señor! As a gay, Hispanic, Arachnid American, I have been subject to all sorts of prejudice and discrimination.  I am in this country legally. I and my 367 brothers and sisters hatched out of our eggsack in America to an American born mother, who ate our American born father. Nevertheless, there are those who think I do not belong in this country. I am harassed for my sexual orientation as well. I ask you, if mating with a female could end in literally being killed and devoured, might you not try the other team? And even though only just a few of the many thousands of spiders that exist are poisonous to humans, we arachnids are feared and reviled. You could have helped our cause by educating the public about our usefulness and beauty, but, no, you heightened the hatred. If I had tear ducts, I would cry. 

Señor Stewart, you are a good man. Please reconsider your stance on spiders. It's time to end the fear and the hatred and the squishing and join hands and legs and legs and legs and legs and...well, you get the point, in unity.   Arachnid Americans have rights too!

Juan Araña

Don't Ask, Don't Tell, and Don't Play Show Tunes in the Barracks Just Yet!

It's about frickin' time someone had the cajones to do the right thing! For those who may not be aware, this Tuesday, U.S. District Court Judge Virginia Phillips issued an immediate injunction on the military's 17 year-old "don't ask, don't tell" (DADT) policy banning gay service members from serving openly.  This ruling also ordered the government to stop all pending discharges and investigations under the DADT policy.

While I'm happy to wave goodbye to a ridiculous policy that was a lame compromise, open to abuse, and difficult and counterproductive to enforce, it should not have been a federal judge who overturned DADT.  DADT should have been repealed by Congress. Alas, November elections are on the way, and politicians don't want to rock the boat by voting for anything ethical, sensible, or intelligent right before an election! Although the House passed a bill, approved by President Obama,  that would have lifted the ban on openly gay service members,  it was blocked by Republicans in the Senate. Now, it's likely that the federal injunction will be appealed, putting the Obama administration in the position of having to defend a law it opposes. Why? Because, as Defense Secretary Robert Gates "explained," the military needs to move slowly on this issue in order to assess the impact of gays serving openly in the military, the attitudes of service members, and to complete preparation and training. 

Hunh??? Gay people are not alien beings or wild animals that require "preparation and training" to interact with, folks! These are people who are our friends, family, neighbors, teachers, and business owners, many of whom are already serving alongside straight service members right now! They just can't serve openly and can be thrown out if their sexual orientation is discovered. Someone with a secret to hide seems like much more of a security threat to me than an openly gay service person.  And the best way to change the attitudes of service personnel is to start from the top. When the president, the Congress, and the Secretary of Defense issue a clear order that they not just tolerate but welcome gays in the military and that discrimination and harrassment of gay personnel will not be tolerated, it will decrease.

In 1948, President Harry S. Truman integrated the military and made it illegal for anyone to make a racist remark.  Did this end racism against African Americans in the military? Of course not, but today, it is unthinkable that blacks and whites would not serve together. Were all the studies in place about how integration would affect the troops? Had everyone received "preparation and training?" Had service members attitudes towards integration been thoroughly assessed? I doubt it. At some point, the waffling needs to stop, and bad policy needs to go.

Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara issued Department of Defense Directive 5120.36 in 1963, which stated, "Every military commander has the responsibility to oppose discriminatory practices affecting his men and their dependents and to foster equal opportunity for them." Seemed like a good policy in 1963. Still seems like a good policy today. How about it, Mr. Gates?

Monday, October 11, 2010

Perdue's Cluckin' Stupid Idea

Thanks to my friend Kirsten who, during her coupon clipping, noticed this unfortunate choice of product sponsorship. It was just calling out for a rant, don't you think?

"Perdue Farms proudly supports Susan G. Komen for the Cure® in its promise to save lives and end breast cancer forever. In 2010, Perdue Farms Incorporated will donate $150,000 to Susan G. Komen for the Cure. During Breast Cancer Awareness Month, specially marked packages of PERDUE® PERFECT PORTIONS Boneless, Skinless Chicken Breasts and PERDUE® SHORT CUTS® Carved Breast Strips will reflect this sponsorship."

While I'm all for corporate donations to worthy causes, what moron at Perdue Farms chose these two particular products to "reflect this sponsorship?" Out of the dozens of chicken and turkey products this company markets, someone thought it wise to put the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer logo on boneless, skinless breasts (perfectly portioned, may I add?) and carved strips of breast! Anyone else getting flooded with images of mastectomies and breast implants besides me? Perhaps, like their chicken, tasteless is what they were going for. Groan.

Take the Bait!

One of my favorite websites/blogs, Neatorama, has a "Name That Weird Invention" contest in which you, well, name a weird invention. I was inspired by the swim/fishing gear to the left and entered. Alas, I did not win, but my entry was mentioned by the artist, of which I am oh-so-proud! Three guesses which one is mine, and if it takes you more than one guess, you don't know me at all!

The artist, Steven Johnson, said, “I was blown away by the cleverness of many of the names. I also noticed that a well-conceived name made my art seem funnier!” So he wanted to recognize these entries as Honorable Mentions: The Flopcatch, Masterbaiters, Toe Tacklers, Self Contained Underwater Baiting Apparatus (SCUBA), Flipplures, Trollfins, FlipperDippers, SCUBait, Flip-o-bait, Flip Service, Kickbait, Flipping Hookers, Toe-Bait-O’s, and Stuck in pro-bait.

Here's the link for the Neatorama home site. Check it out!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Frito-Lame or It's Not Easy Being Green

The Frito-Lay Company has proven that when it comes to saving our planet, Americans are willing to be inconvenienced not one damn iota!!! In a stunningly progressive move back in April 2009, the company launched biodegradable bags for their Sunchips snack chips in response to consumer interest in more environmentally friendly products. The company hoped to gain more business and improve their image with consumers by being "green."  Alas, there was a fatal flaw in this plan; the bags were noisy!

Because the biodegradable bags were made from plant material and had a different composition than traditional chip bags, they made more noise when opened and touched. The fact that they were 100 percent compostable and more environmentally friendly than the traditional bags meant nothing to the hoards of Facebook fans who started a campaign to bring back the original, earth polluting but quieter bags. Apparently, given the number of consumer complaints received by Frito-Lay on their new bags, a little noise pollution is much more unacceptable than adding tons of man made, non-biodegradable waste to landfills. So, did the Frito-Lay Company stand strong in its conviction that companies must lead the way in saving the earth? Did it defend its biodegradable product as healthy for the environment despite its small inconveniences? Of course not! They pulled it from the shelves and went back to the original packaging.

Except for "Original Flavor" Sunchips, the bags are now all less noisy and less earth friendly. Keeping one flavor of the bags biodegradable seems like some half-assed attempt to achieve a compromise, but no one is fooled. Money again triumphs over integrity. Common sense takes a back seat to kvetching. Who needs quiet when eating crunchy snack chips!!! Where are these complainers eating? The library? In church? Who the hell cares if the bag is noisy? And if it bothers you so frickin' much, pour your damn chips into a bowl! Can't we as consumers put up with any kind of inconvenience, no matter how slight?

We don't want to take the time to save our paper, glass, and metal and take them to recycling centers; we don't want to reduce our energy consumption; we don't want to wash and reuse storage containers; we don't want to give up our plastic water bottles or our gas guzzling cars. But, hey, we care about our environment! Just let someone else do the work! And, please, do it quietly.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Yoga Thoughts

"...Breathe slowly in and out. Now close your eyes, clear your mind, and bring yourself here." So begins another yoga session. I can breathe; I can close my eyes, but my mind has other things on its mind! This morning, instead of going to a blissful state of nirvana, here is where my mind went instead:

I'm so tired. I could fall asleep right here.
Geez, my eyes are dry. They're going to feel like sandpaper when I open them.
What am I going to make for dinner tonight?
Oh! I know! How about that salmon dish with the noodles?
But I've got a ton of peppers in the fridge. I should do something with them.
Stop thinking about dinner. Clear your mind!
I need to go to the grocery store after this class.
I hate going to the grocery store in my yoga clothes, but I don't want to go home and back out again.
Why does my back crack so much when we do that twisty move? Maybe I need a chiropractor.
God! My feet are dry! I wish I could splurge on a pedicure!
Okay, feeling relaxed. Nice stretch there. I like leg stretches. I can do those.
Hey! That other chick is stretching farther! Shit! Now I'm pissed.
Don't compare yourself to other people. And she's fatter than you anyway.
But these yoga pants really don't do much for the old muffin top.
Ooh, muffins....
You're thinking again! Clear your mind, girl!
We look SO stupid in this pose!
God, I hope my tampon's not leaking!
How does the instructor repeat this sequence of asanas by memory? She's like a yoga savant!
Hey, I think she missed a pose!
Nope. My mistake. She nailed the sequence (as always).
Why is it so freakin' hot in here? Is anyone else sweating or am I having a hot flash?
I wonder how often I'd have to work out to have a butt like my instructor's?
Who am I kidding?!!
I hope we finish on time.
Why does my mind wander like this? Stop it!
That's a useless pose. What am I supposed to get from that one?
Hey, we're almost done! I see the light!
Oh no! Balancing asanas!
My tree is falling....
I hate balancing poses. I have no coordination. I'm not a gymnast dammit!
We're done! Yay!
I love yoga. It's so relaxing.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Do These Panties Clash With My Cleats?

It's football season!!! The knee pads, shoulder pads, elbow pads, helmets, cleats, panties, bras, garters...No, J. Edgar Hoover hasn't arisen from the dead and joined the Redskins (although maybe that would help them!) It's the Lingerie Football League! What fresh hell is this? The Lingerie Football League (LFL) is an American women's tackle football league inaugurated in 2009. It is the brainchild of Mitch Mortaza and originated from a Superbowl halftime special called the Lingerie Bowl on pay-per-view. The 2010-2011 season will be broadcast on MTV-2.

Lingerie football is similar to American arena football except, of course, the players wear lingerie along with their protective football gear. There are 10 teams in the league, with names like the Chicago Bliss, Dallas Desire, and the San Diego Seduction. Talk about Fantasy Football! Although the women do play "real" football, and most have a background in athletics, "the first criteria to play here is looks. And then we find out if they're athletic. They have to be phenomenally beautiful and can play football," admits coach Keith C. Hac, of the Chicago Bliss. No uglies or fatties on these teams! And in a move that would make the creators of Title IX have a seizure, in March of this year, 2 Miami Caliente players were put on probation for appearing in magazine cover shots wearing too much! What did these women dare to cover themselves up with? Shoulder pads! It seems that when they're off the playing field, LFL players must appear in photos in team lingerie only, minus the football gear.

I must admit that Mortaza's sleazy idea of combining sexy women, skimpy outfits, and football is brilliant. What 2 things do most men love? Women and football! Lingerie football is like the bacon cheeseburger of television! And if there's a market for it, you know someone is gonna provide it. This is where I have an issue, though. Why do we always cater to the lowest common denominator? Just because there are people who will eat them, did KFC have to invent the Double Down? There are women's athletics at all levels that can't get funding or sponsors because women's sports just aren't as popular as men's. Do we have to strip to get money? No, wait, Brandi Chastain created controversy for throwing off her jersey after a soccer win and celebrating in her (modest) sports bra. I guess women have to take their clothes off seductively and for the amusement of men in order to get funding for their teams. There will always be a market for sleaze, and selling sleaze is easier and more profitable than trying to sell people culture, intellectual challenge, true talent, or real effort. But we need people willing to raise the bar because if we keep lowering it, we're all going to end up back in the primordial ooze.